today

i want to journal but i don't feel much but blankness right now. letter upon letter from court-appointed attorneys for debts that i can never pay. depression and meds and work and school make everything impossible these days. i am a persistent motherfucker, but i can only do one thing at a time right now, and right now that one thing is surviving. i'm doing a pretty good job, considering i'm not dead. i decided not to entertain my suicidal thoughts anymore. i just notice them. stopped thinking up plans. i have days where i suffer beyond my own comprehension. and days where i feel pretty decent. it's a constant fluctuation anymore. i don't even know if i'm taking care of myself properly, but i know i am tying. trying to eat well. trying to do the basics. trying to get at least some exercise. trying to meditate. trying to sleep well. going to the doctor. honestly, when i look at myself from the outside i really think i need to go on disability. but i am too proud. too stubborn. i want to finish school. 6 months left... and i like my job. it's been so long since i actually really completely enjoyed being where i work. i feel like i should be doing more creative activities but i have no motivation. i feel like i want to go to sleep but i have trouble sleeping. i feel like i want to join a gym but have no money. i feel like i want to start playing hockey but have no money, time, and what experience i have is from so long ago it doesn't hardly count. i feel like i wish i was not existing, but my people love me, and i can't do to them what my cousin did to us. yesterday i cried so much. night before last i had such helpless, grief-filled dreams. i used to never watch tv, now i'm on netflix all the time, just trying to escape. i want to escape right now. i want to start getting wasted again. for the first time in decades a couple weeks ago i took a razor to my left calf and drew blood, and kept it a secret from everyone. i thought about telling my therapist today but didn't have the nerve to assert it, and was afraid of the consequences. i don't understand what is happening. i get some of it, but not much. i know there is a beast of grief and guilt inside me. i know that with all the massage it is finally being released from the confines of my tissues. but i don't understand the process. i don't know what is going to happen and when. i feel such a loss of control that all i can do sometimes is just be alive and be kind to myself. i know that i am not the only one with this problem, but i also feel that in many ways it is unique. i don't hate myself. i am proud of my talents and intelligence and compassion. for years i believed depression was a weakness, but now i know that not to be true. i truly do love who i am and want to feel better. but i have no idea why this is not enough to save me. i need an answer. an explanation. anything to make sense out of all this. i'm so fucking proud of who i am, why isn't this enough? am i dying? do i have a brain tumor? i love my medication and i hate it. i can't really feel anger and i can't really feel anxiety and i can't really feel guilt or fear or shame, but i also can't really feel happy or content or elated or connected to the outside world in the way that i used to feel pre-meds. but i sure as hell can feel sadness. i sure as hell can feel the pain of grief. and i sure as hell can feel what it's like not to want to be alive. it's like i'm either in neutral, sometimes with a hint of feeling ok, or i'm struggling to exist. and my pain, it's like it's keeping itself a secret from me now. a secret that i know exists but we pretend i don't know. i can feel it some days. it pulses through me. but i have no emotional reactivity to it. i can just keep going like it's not a big deal. but it's a big deal. and i keep telling myself i might be making it up. but i know i'm not. nothing makes sense anymore. all i can do is desperately try to believe i am experiencing some kind of rebirth. it gives me purpose. it makes me think there is a light at the end of the tunnel. i can get there. i hate giving up. i hate failing. and i hate this fucking tunnel.