stress

it's dawning on me that i am really, super-duper, abnormally stressed out. it's been building up, but i'm finally getting it. i mean, i'm finally listening to myself.
if i want to not take life so seriously i have to recognize where i am at. 
i miss working with dogs and just being able to see them as dogs. now all i see them is as money, and i'm trying so hard not to be broke all the time. i miss looking into a dog's face and just appreciating them. and with this came fluid movement and the ability to do my job while the dog moves without losing my patience or temper. i don't want to be the bitch impatient dog groomer. i am afraid, so afraid of becoming abusive. my patience is so limited. but then i catch myself and pet the dog and see the dog as dog, and love the dog as dog. but moments later i go back into stress mode. i don't remember how i used to be before this.
but i need to hurry. i need to make money. but i don't know how to do less of a good job than i do and still have it suffice. even though i am getting paid less. i'm trying to get it, but i was trained by the most obsessive dog groomer in san diego, and, while i learned a hell of a lot from her, i don't know what i can let go of. so, as a consequence, and one that i hate, i have let go of patience. and i hate myself for that.
i really miss loving my job.
bring it back, me.