well...?
"did you get a good fuck at the ruby room?" (the bar i went to tonight to see a band play while he hung out at a different bar with a friend of his.)
never an apology for this kind of talk. i don't deserve this. if he cannot offer any remorse for this kind of behavior, regardless of whether or not he attributes it to a disorder or to drunkenness or bad temper, then it is abuse. then i am in an abusive relationship.
all of my efforts to understand him and accept him mean nothing at this point. i am out of anything to offer. i am out of hope. i am out of everything but survival.
no, that's a lie. i DO have hope. i have hope that my being out of everything will make him realize that he needs to recognize that he has something seriously damaged within himself that is sabotaging our relationship.
but it's so easy for him to threaten to leave. does he really know what that would mean, or is it control? i think it is control. either that or i am not, in his mind, as great as he tells me i am, and leaving me would be easy. in which case, why keep my promise to stay? i am so tired. i should not be with someone who tells me that i am so easily disposable. i know that i am worth so much. shit, i know that i am wonderful, compassionate, and as god damned real as anyone could ever hope a person could be. i KNOW this is true about myself, because i recognize all my faults, as well. and i know that this makes me a good person. but if i can never hear this from him, then i am lost in a game of his delusions. and his ideals. then i am in a fucking circus of nonsense that is only sense to one person.
ALERT! this does not mean i am not sensitive to those with bpd. or that my leaving him will make me abandon my efforts to understand the disorder. my god, what a painful infliction, and, on top of all the emotional uncontrollability, a propensity to behave in away that can drive away what someone like this needs most: faithful love.
but i am done. the abuse is not acceptable. somehow i thought if i learned about what he goes through and why that i would be able to reach him. but if his doors are closed then i am left without options. even if he is seeking therapy, if he refuses to acknowledge these problems within our relationship then i am left with nothing. we can't talk about it. we can't address my concerns. maybe this is in part my own fault, but without this option this relationship will kill me. so i should leave while it still makes me stronger...
never an apology for this kind of talk. i don't deserve this. if he cannot offer any remorse for this kind of behavior, regardless of whether or not he attributes it to a disorder or to drunkenness or bad temper, then it is abuse. then i am in an abusive relationship.
all of my efforts to understand him and accept him mean nothing at this point. i am out of anything to offer. i am out of hope. i am out of everything but survival.
no, that's a lie. i DO have hope. i have hope that my being out of everything will make him realize that he needs to recognize that he has something seriously damaged within himself that is sabotaging our relationship.
but it's so easy for him to threaten to leave. does he really know what that would mean, or is it control? i think it is control. either that or i am not, in his mind, as great as he tells me i am, and leaving me would be easy. in which case, why keep my promise to stay? i am so tired. i should not be with someone who tells me that i am so easily disposable. i know that i am worth so much. shit, i know that i am wonderful, compassionate, and as god damned real as anyone could ever hope a person could be. i KNOW this is true about myself, because i recognize all my faults, as well. and i know that this makes me a good person. but if i can never hear this from him, then i am lost in a game of his delusions. and his ideals. then i am in a fucking circus of nonsense that is only sense to one person.
ALERT! this does not mean i am not sensitive to those with bpd. or that my leaving him will make me abandon my efforts to understand the disorder. my god, what a painful infliction, and, on top of all the emotional uncontrollability, a propensity to behave in away that can drive away what someone like this needs most: faithful love.
but i am done. the abuse is not acceptable. somehow i thought if i learned about what he goes through and why that i would be able to reach him. but if his doors are closed then i am left without options. even if he is seeking therapy, if he refuses to acknowledge these problems within our relationship then i am left with nothing. we can't talk about it. we can't address my concerns. maybe this is in part my own fault, but without this option this relationship will kill me. so i should leave while it still makes me stronger...
Replies
Well put. you ARE a compassionate, loving person. A pwBPD does not understand constant love, because they are as passionate about hating one minute as they are about loving the next.