yesterday

yesterday, in the depth of my self pity (regardless of whether or not i deem it to be justified, it is still self pity), i found myself feeling even worse when i intentionally distanced myself from my boyfriend. i didn't do it to hurt him, but he was getting ready to go play a show, and i know that it did, and that it would affect his spirit. i wanted to not have done it, but i needed to do it. so instead when he left i held him and told him to try not to take my moodiness personally. then when he was gone i cried and posted on this site and felt all-around miserable and lost and alone with my feelings. 
i was hoping he would think of me and be able to forgive me for not being the perfect person that he needs. i just felt like such shit, and i wished that he would be sorry for his behavior being a part of the reason i felt like such shit, but that is a tremendous expectation and unfair and uncompassionate to his situation. so i just hoped he would think of me and maybe bring me something, anything, to show me he had been doing just that: thinking of me.
he brought me home flowers. i bawled.
he doesn't have to blame himself for what happens. and i sure as hell shouldn't blame him nor expect that he do so. but i do get caught up in the pain and wish things could magically become different. i'm sure i will always wish that, as will he. but, in the meantime, if i am feeling bad, and he brings me something to try and make me feel good, it doesn't matter WHY i felt bad, just that he acknowledged it, and cared about me during it.
that's why i love the shit outta him- well one of the many reasons....