i don't know
so i let him scream in my face. i let him call me names. i let him say things to hurt me. and i just sat there. because i wasn't fighting back, i was just being there. he was obviously letting things out that he needed to let out. my role was more or less to be there. and i observed. he behaved pretty ridiculously. he made all sorts of lewd gestures when i would try and answer something he asked me. he was a little drunk, too, i think. or probably fairly drunk. and when i wouldn't argue with him, he started asking me if i wanted to fight, telling me he would take me on, he could kick my ass, he didn't care. it was like he was trying everything he possibly fucking could to get me to react.
see, there's a reason i was born with the ability to turn off emotions. and that is probably why i have always attracted and been attracted to the nutty types.
he's seriously fucking crazy. when he does that shit? i think i'm past trying to get him to realize he's nuts. he knows, anyways. he gets embarrassed about his behavior, ashamed. he tells me this when he has returned from these states.
what am i supposed to do? i am anxious, of course, but i can't let it consume me. whatever will be will be. i need a more active support group, i think. therapy just felt like bullshit. i have my issues from my past, but those are mine, and i'm not interested in using something that makes me so uncomfortable and irritated to work on that. i think it's bullshit when i'm asked "what do you think would happen if he left you?" or "what goes through your mind when, how do you feel, when he reacts the way he does?"
i feel pissed scared angry insulted devastated annoyed hurt and everything else i should feel! fucking DUH. but what the hell i am i supposed to do??!!!
but they can't say he has bpd. they don't know. i could be lying. or exaggerating. and if they say yeah, sounds like bpd or something similar, i could go running off and say OH LOOK MY THERAPIST SAID YOU HAVE BPD AND SO NOW I'M GONNA BE AN ASSHOLE AND WAVE IT IN YOUR FACE and you can turn around and sue them!
and so many fucking websites seem to portray the disorder as damn near impossible to be in a relationship with. why isn't there a source that tells you how to be with someone with bpd/bpd symptoms?
BECAUSE NOBODY HAS A FUCKING CLUE!!!!! this shit is so hard. what the hell am i supposed to do? i'm just letting him be in his state and telling him i love him and that i'm here when he needs me. and hating it. and hurting.
here's a poem:
i brought you a flower, set it on your table
it was pretty, you said, and you kept it there to look at
a garlic bloom, purple flowers
later, in a rage, you demolished it, flung it, ground it into the carpet
"FUCK YOUR FLOWERS!" you shouted
and as you slept on the couch
the smell of the flower that i had brought you
filled the room
my love for you stinks strong like garlic
see, there's a reason i was born with the ability to turn off emotions. and that is probably why i have always attracted and been attracted to the nutty types.
he's seriously fucking crazy. when he does that shit? i think i'm past trying to get him to realize he's nuts. he knows, anyways. he gets embarrassed about his behavior, ashamed. he tells me this when he has returned from these states.
what am i supposed to do? i am anxious, of course, but i can't let it consume me. whatever will be will be. i need a more active support group, i think. therapy just felt like bullshit. i have my issues from my past, but those are mine, and i'm not interested in using something that makes me so uncomfortable and irritated to work on that. i think it's bullshit when i'm asked "what do you think would happen if he left you?" or "what goes through your mind when, how do you feel, when he reacts the way he does?"
i feel pissed scared angry insulted devastated annoyed hurt and everything else i should feel! fucking DUH. but what the hell i am i supposed to do??!!!
but they can't say he has bpd. they don't know. i could be lying. or exaggerating. and if they say yeah, sounds like bpd or something similar, i could go running off and say OH LOOK MY THERAPIST SAID YOU HAVE BPD AND SO NOW I'M GONNA BE AN ASSHOLE AND WAVE IT IN YOUR FACE and you can turn around and sue them!
and so many fucking websites seem to portray the disorder as damn near impossible to be in a relationship with. why isn't there a source that tells you how to be with someone with bpd/bpd symptoms?
BECAUSE NOBODY HAS A FUCKING CLUE!!!!! this shit is so hard. what the hell am i supposed to do? i'm just letting him be in his state and telling him i love him and that i'm here when he needs me. and hating it. and hurting.
here's a poem:
i brought you a flower, set it on your table
it was pretty, you said, and you kept it there to look at
a garlic bloom, purple flowers
later, in a rage, you demolished it, flung it, ground it into the carpet
"FUCK YOUR FLOWERS!" you shouted
and as you slept on the couch
the smell of the flower that i had brought you
filled the room
my love for you stinks strong like garlic
Replies
shutting it off can only help temporarily. it might even make him worse, force him to escalate in order to get a reaction. he is using you to punish himself. it can\'t be helped. eventually the abuse starts getting to you, and you react badly.
i see what you are saying, but in the past i have already reacted badly, and seen what devastation it has brought. now that i know and can observe that it is him and not me, i actually feel some peace inside myself even when it is hell outside.
you say that he is using me to punish himself. so what can i do to get him to stop punishing himself? i don\'t even understand why he is punishing himself, what he has to punish himself for. this is where my understanding of his condition hits a brick wall.