depression

isn't it one of the stages of recovering from a loss?
i feel fatalistic right now. i feel like he is never going to come home, that he is going to send for his stuff, and i will never see him again, never have the chance to give him the letter, never get to touch him again.
i know that's ridiculous, he can't afford to do that, but it's how i feel.
part of me is wishing i was dead. a part of that part of me is on her period, and so everything is intensified. part of me wishes i could get hit by a car, go to the hospital, and be on loads of painkillers and not have to worry about anything. part of me wishes i could throw myself into a mirror and shatter my own image, have it fall around me in little sparkling pieces at my feet.
and yet another part of me says FUCK HIM, why can't he get help?
i just feel tremendously empty. the rest of me does. and scared. and hopeless. i need something, but i'm not sure what. i had so many weird dreams last night.
am i kidding myself? is it THIS relationship i want, or A relationship? i feel that it is this one, but i've had him tell me so many times that i don't love him. some things i am realizing might be him projecting onto me what he feels inside him. not that he doesn't love me, but that he is afraid to be alone, without a relationship. he tells me that i am. but i do like to be alone. i just like being with him more.
or do i still? ohhhhhhhhhhurrrggghhhhhhhhhh...
DOES this relationship cause me more pain than pleasure? and if so, is that necessarily a bad thing, if i can learn how to handle the pain? working with animals i get bit, punched, bruised, sore, all the time, but i love it so much i don't even feel it anymore. is that comparable?
can i keep asking questions? because i like question marks?
i am drowning at the bottom of a bathwater-warm lake, and i can see the ripples up top, the sunlight coming though. i am losing myself. a new me will be reborn, and i am scared of that person.