20181113 Tuesday
What is it that makes one personality always live in fear and other people just enjoy life and go with the flow. Is it purely genetic? Is it environmental? Something from childhood? Why is it that some of us always have to feel like there is something wrong when there is not?
I get so tired of dealing with myself. I look in from the outside and I can see how ridiculous it is to just have random fear of the unknown and be unable to live in the peace of the moment.
I have been in the new apartment over a month now. It’s the best decision I have made in a long time. I am so happy not to have that horrible woman and her kids living above me anymore. Things are going pretty well with the new boyfriend.
Overall I would have to say the anxiety has been pretty mild this season but more constant and vague…I haven’t had any full on attacks where I thought I was going to throw up...instead I have this general unease that is my constant companion.
Clearly my desire to journal on a more regular basis has not worked out either as I am now looking back at my last post. I’ve never had a very interesting life and now that I am no longer with the alcoholic maybe I just don’t have that much to write down.
Steve came on Saturday morning and brought the rest of my stuff that he found at the house. It was super quick and hardly even any communication. I did ask him if he wanted to see the dog…he said no because it would be too hard.
I was surprised that it really upset me seeing him. Maybe because I was pretty sure that was the last time? It’s been almost two years already and it still feels like yesterday. I don’t know which would be worse…to have your spouse die and know you could never see them again…or to separate and know they choose to not be with you.
I feel directionless and adrift…can’t I just enjoy this adjustment period and go with the flow? Nope apparently not.
Since Steve was dropping off my stuff and I needed to stay home my boyfriend Danny came down and stayed with me and helped me put some pictures up and stuff.. It was cold and it’s very smoky here being about 4 hours from the horrible Camp fire near Chico. I took my first cold Harley ride….I think I did pretty well at improvising layers to keep warm. It was sunny and nice up in the foothills although still a little smoky.
Replies
Glad you got Harley ride even if it was cold. Glad things are getting better for you.
I used xanax for awhile, mostly to convince myself that not having anxiety all the time was possible. I don't have a script for it anymore, but I'm doing ok without it. There is general anxiety, but not to the level of disorder. Hope yours gets better soon.
ahh life, why cant i be easy? even the ones who make it look easy, I think are faking, or performing! haha:) I read somewhere that Marlon Brando used to wrap newspapers around his waist/back while riding mototorcycles- guess that was a 'thing; back in the day- less bulky, and kept in the body heat, just a thought... its nice to see u post again...your expressing, getting things out, thats good..
That's a true preventative Cachetteen1. Placing newspapers under a jacket or coat will break the wind from chilling you. I''ve rode for years. Now, they make heated vests, gloves, riding suits to keep riders warm. Wish they would have made these years ago., LOL!!!!!
ps*** OLDBIKER** I read his autobiography, "Brando, songs my mother taught me' (hes before my generation, but hes quite a fascinating guy - not at all what u would think, and its in his own words, I bet u would like it, u can find it in the libraray, Im sure)