20180906 Thurs
I am unable to focus. Scattered, my mind keeps drifting from one thing to another. I close my eyes and try to figure out what it is that I am supposed to do. The answer never comes. I belong nowhere...that is always the inner voice. I’m in a dead end job with my brain turning to mush. I don’t know which direction I am supposed to move. I keep trying to be still, to be a sponge and let the answer come…but I keep just remaining in limbo.
What do I want??? That is part of the problem. I no longer have any goals. No hopes. No dreams. Hopes and dreams are only there for other people to try and crush. If you want nothing, then nothing can be taken from you. If you let no one in, then no one can hurt you. ….except you. There it is…that awful ache in my heart when my thoughts move in this direction. The ache that makes you wish you could just sleep forever and not wake up.
Replies
Hey, don't give up on life. There are times when this old world kicks our butt but, it's not the end. Circumstances arise that we dont't expect and yes, sometimes, we are victims of our own decisions but, we must not give up on life. People in this world can be cruel at times and yes, I have been on the receiving end of their lies, deceit and backstabbing. I have had friends and family turn their back on me and my own twin brother turned against me for years. We must not let other people and circumstances, define who we are. If we do, we allow these people to influence our lives, our goals and our major outlook on how we see ourselves.
Being an ex-biker, I have many skeletons in my closet. I define these as what they are, "skeletons". Skeletons can not hurt you. Skeletons are dead. If people judge me for who and what I once was, years ago, they are not those I consider friends nor do I care what their opinions are, in the present. I know who I am, what I am and I strive to be a better person everyday. I am unique, just as you are unique because God made us all different. You are an original, just as I am. There is no-one else, just like us on this earth.
Try to accept the things as they are, strive to the future and leave the past behind. What is PAST is PASSED. Leave it where it is and do what you can to make tomorrow better and more fulfilling in your life. I will be praying for you.
it will help u focus if u get grounded, I know exactly how u feel (it happens to me all the time/ more than I care to admit) getting grounded for me is getting out in nature, sunshine, or what have u, if there is a beach, pond, somewhere u can go, go somewhere different, turn your phone off, watch nature, your mind will naturally fall in sync, have a note pad or note book, and jot down whatever thoughts come to u.... sometimes the only way to find yourself is to lose yourself--- and to do so--- u need a new environment- u need to stimulate your senses, even if its just for a half an hour, it will have a profound effect upon u, I promise. I know in your current state of mind, u probably think 'why bother', GO, when u do it, u will find out... trust me on this...I sense how u feel.....sending u a flicker of hope to light the way, I have faith in u.
Perhaps you would like to try some "free association." Get a pencil and piece of paper, write the very first word that comes to mind, then the next, and the next, and so on. Write single words or short phrases only. Don't try to write sentences. Continue the session until you run out of associations, run out of free time, or fall asleep. I can pretty much guarantee that you will find some focus after no more than a few sessions of this.
The reason it works to bring focus is that the lack of focus is usually the conscious, cognitive mind trying to supress thoughts being brought to our attention by our sub-conscious, instinctual mind. Free association lets the sub-conscious mind provide keys to our innermost thoughts.