20180828 Tuesday

I feel very contemplative this morning and hoping it helps me to journal some things out.  I keep wanting to get back to regular journals but the words just won’t flow. 

The summer is drawing to a close and I can feel the change in the air.  Schools have started back up again and the traffic is back to awful…ick.  The days are starting to get shorter.  Not sure how that is going to play out with commuting to Sacramento to see the boyfriend on the weekends.  I am trying not to stress too much about it and see how it goes.

I keep getting this feeling that I am at a crossroads and I need to be careful and figure out what the next chapter of my life is going to be...like there is something I should know that is just out of my reach of consciousness…if I could only dig it out.  The more I try to get a hold of it, the more it just slips away so then I try to just be open, a sponge, Switzerland, and let it come forward on its own but so far I haven’t figured it out. 

This last year since I split from the drunk and started to get out and meet people, I get a LOT of déjà vu.  People I see and meet all seem so familiar to me and conversations feel like something I have done before.  I have no idea what that means either.  I have been dreaming a lot more...or maybe just remembering them more.  Lots of dreams about when I had the horses especially.

I have wondered if part of that has been my new boyfriend.  Being out on his Harley is his therapy, his peace, as the horses used to be mine.  My ex had me so down all the time that I thought I would never be able to have horses in my life again and that thought was awful.  Seeing how much that rejuvenates him I am thinking that whatever changes I make in my life in the near future…. They have to be included in my goals.  California is so expensive and so hard to make it here…I still think about trying to go somewhere else that is cheaper…and AZ still calls to me.

How do you get to be almost 50 and not know where you belong?  Keeping busy has been a band aid…one that if ripped off still shows how broken I am underneath…that one weekend where my boyfriend was busy showed me that.  I will never really be any better.  I have fewer massive anxiety attacks where I am sick but it’s still there…underneath.  I have gotten better at hiding it most of the time…but after always comes the depression of knowing you will never really be whole again.  I guess that is why I let so many years go by staying with the drunk and wasted so many years.  One of the last things he said to me is that I will never truly be with anyone else because no one else will put up with my crazy for long.  Standing on the outside looking in at myself…I can see where that may be true.  What is wrong with me that I can’t just learn to be happy by myself??   Part of it comes from being abandoned by a parent I’m sure. …and I think that leads to a lot of my control freak issues also.

Last week there was a moment that I thought my boyfriend might cancel me coming on the weekend again because of how badly this remodel is stressing him out.  In that moment…I was like “fuck it...maybe I just shouldn’t see him anymore at all” Rip off the band aid and deal with the pain.  I know I never truly let anyone in anyway.

Talking to another DS friend, he pointed out that it was a control issue… that I could not stand to not be in control of the situation.  It was like a lightbulb was turned on.  I realized he was completely right!  I had recognized this behavior in myself before…I just never put it together with being a control thing.  So I guess I have learned something from this if nothing else.