20180813 monday
It’s been a really long time since I journaled again. Things with the new boyfriend had been going very well…at least well enough that I have been busy with him every weekend so not a lot of downtime for anxiety.
This last weekend he had some work he had to get done and when it wasn’t going well on Thursday he said it was probably better that I didn’t come for the weekend. He was going to work through it and that he was grumpy. It didn’t have anything to do with me…and I don’t have any weird feelings like he has someone else. It’s all me…I am completely broken.
It should not have been that big of a deal…spend the weekend alone in my apartment. I mean…it’s been a while since I had that much time alone. The anxious personality is never good with too much time on their hands
I had a horrible time….panic, crying, the whole nine yards. He knows I have anxiety disorder but we haven’t really talked about it that much. I knew he was trying to get this work done though, so there was no way I was having that conversation this weekend. He needed to be able to concentrate. Like someone told me, there is not going to be any hiding it…but..that was not the right time.
My neighbor above me is horrible and keeps stomping and freaking the dog out…this is the first time I ever lived in an apartment where someone was above me. This weekend was the worst ever..which totally added to the stress of the weekend. Think I need to start making a plan to move.
I had a couple of friends that I was able to reach out to over the weekend and this morning to keep trying to distract myself…I was not able to relax enough to watch TV much and the heat and smoky conditions here made being outside difficult
Always so much fear..
I get so tired of myself…of dealing with the fear and sickness…for what? There is NOTHING WRONG!!! You would think the rational mind would be able to override it…so STUPID! After the sickness starts to fade then you are left with the depression of knowing…it will never be any better…sure maybe they get fewer and far between but they will always come back to smack you in the ass and remind you …that you are sick and you will never be free.
Replies
but u have moments of freedom, just as u have moments of anxiety- nothing is permanent- the belief that anything is permanent is what creates more anxiety, the only thing permanent in this life is death. Thats it. Everything else is subject to change. You changed boyfriends. You changed living arrangements. Things change, we must adapt. Its understandable that u would be upset- even if u werent prone to anxiety - that a bf- changes a routine that normally involves u- i think u handled it rather well, and u have it in perspective and didnt push it onto him, u gave him his space and sometimes thats the healthiest things for everyone involved, u didnt make any rash decisions, so u have a pretty clear understanding of your anxiety and although it hurts u- u do not allow it to affect your decision making all together. I hope u are feeling better today...
Glad you posted. Hang in there. Life is tough at times but, we can get through the hard times. Anxiety is a butt kicker just like depression is. I am always here for you.