20170505

I am so exhausted.  I am barely making it awake til 9pm this week.  I know it is also depression.  The longer I am asleep the less I have to deal with him.  I woke up to a dark quiet house.  Apparently he left either last night or this morning..probably just going to work....but I sat there enjoying the peace in the house this morning wishing I did not have to move.  That house has always had good karma and feels peaceful.  I feel completely isolated and in survival mode.  That being said, now that I feel all alone, I still don't want to deal with him..so I guess that is a sign.  Even if I am going to be alone forever, I just want out.  I feel nauseated again this morning and my stomach is churning.  I'm still waiting to hear back from my friend whether or not her mom will rent a house to me for cheap. The longer time goes by, the less likely the answer is going to be yes, I know.  I feel like I could just walk away and leave everything at this point.  If I ever get out of this, I hope I remember and keep it etched in whatever is left of my brain.  I never want to be under someone else's roof again.  I forgot that lesson that I learned so many years ago.  Especially if you are a loner like me, it leaves you with no safe haven.  I try and just hang out in the bedroom but he stalks the hallway trying to see if I am on my phone...whatever.  Now we are in the gift phase...he came home with a new tea jar that I had said I wanted to try and was on sale cheap.  I said thank you but made no move to look at it or unbox it.  Later he opened it, washed it, and made a batch of tea.  I could tell it irritated him but we didn't really speak unless necesssary.  As soon as dinner was done, I went to bed.  I'm not sleeping well at all.  I am dizzy and lightheaded this morning and trying not to panic...i've been sneezing horribly so I am sure it is also allergies.  Just keep your damn head down bitch and keep going...stay out of the line of fire.  fml