2016 Preparing for the worst year of my life
It is now January 1st 2016. While everyone else around me is celebrating the memories of the past year and setting goals for the new year, I am preparing for the worst year of my life.
My wife has made an appointment with a bankruptcy lawyer. Her intention is for both of us to file jointly. This may be out of my hands as even if she files individually which puts everything squarely on my shoulders alone, I could not make it work and be forced to follow her. What is worse is I believe she is in a rush to do this so she can start saving for the divorce fees and moving out. My cooperation will only enable her in this divorce I so do not want.
After visiting family from out of town departs, I get to look forward to a very painful talk with my dear children. Again she is in a rush to do so, claiming for their own good but I suspect there are ulterior motives.
Mid January, we have an appointment with a marriage counselor. That would seem hopeful to some, but I know better. She has denied all attempts for such counseling in the past. I believe she will use this as a stage to officially announce the marriage is irreconcilable, hoping to get the counselor's confirmation. I also dread to hear the reasons supporting this and my worst fears are a proclamation of love to another.
Then of course the divorce process and proceedings will begin. My wife believes everything will be amicable and smooth but only because she envisions everything will be agreed upon as she plays it out in her mind. The first time I disagree on a point or try to negotiate something different, she will go nuclear. Then it will be all my fault we couldn't have an amicable divorce (just as it is somehow all my fault she no longer wants to stay committed to this marriage.)
Forgive my pessimistic dread of this new 2016 year. I pray to somehow find a ray of light in the darkness to come. Only with my faith in God and the love of my children, will I survive.
My wife has made an appointment with a bankruptcy lawyer. Her intention is for both of us to file jointly. This may be out of my hands as even if she files individually which puts everything squarely on my shoulders alone, I could not make it work and be forced to follow her. What is worse is I believe she is in a rush to do this so she can start saving for the divorce fees and moving out. My cooperation will only enable her in this divorce I so do not want.
After visiting family from out of town departs, I get to look forward to a very painful talk with my dear children. Again she is in a rush to do so, claiming for their own good but I suspect there are ulterior motives.
Mid January, we have an appointment with a marriage counselor. That would seem hopeful to some, but I know better. She has denied all attempts for such counseling in the past. I believe she will use this as a stage to officially announce the marriage is irreconcilable, hoping to get the counselor's confirmation. I also dread to hear the reasons supporting this and my worst fears are a proclamation of love to another.
Then of course the divorce process and proceedings will begin. My wife believes everything will be amicable and smooth but only because she envisions everything will be agreed upon as she plays it out in her mind. The first time I disagree on a point or try to negotiate something different, she will go nuclear. Then it will be all my fault we couldn't have an amicable divorce (just as it is somehow all my fault she no longer wants to stay committed to this marriage.)
Forgive my pessimistic dread of this new 2016 year. I pray to somehow find a ray of light in the darkness to come. Only with my faith in God and the love of my children, will I survive.
Replies
My heart still hurts for you. It this point that is what you should focus on, your faith & your children.
You will get through this day by day or minute by minute.
It is so sad when we can\'t change another person\'s heart. I know, I have been there. I walk outside always helped me a bit, and every bit counts.
Thoughts & prayers, TCB
Ok, so you should think about the right ordering here. Do you actually need to file bankruptcy? Would you do it if you weren\'t separating? If not, then I\'m worried that may not be the best first step.
You need to do some work to figure out what is best for you. If you haven\'t talked to a lawyer yet, you should do that first - get a sense of what to expect wrt asset division and obligations. Then you should talk to a financial planner/CPA to figure out what is best for YOU. Then you can consider filing for bankruptcy.
Personally, I would talk to marriage counselor before telling your kids. She/he can give you good advice on getting thru that conversation and what to expect.
But, from all you\'ve written, I wouldn\'t drag this out. Sounds like she has made up her mind and the faster you get into your own place the better for your healing.
On her \"going nuclear\" if you want something ---- this is why you need your own lawyer ASAP. Rules are different depending on where you live. But, where I am, there really isn\'t a lot of room for negotiation. We are each entitled to 50 of assets, child support is non-negotiable. The two biggest issues are where the kids live and spousal. Even on those, there isn\'t a lot of give. Where I am, joint custody is the bias - there has to be a strong reason otherwise. And with spousal support there is a fall back formula if you can\'t agree.
You can give up those rights (except child support) - but that is your choice. I good lawyer will keep you from being bullied. All you have to be is keep quietly and calmly insisting on your rights. Don\'t escalate. Don\'t ask for \"more\" - just insist on your 50 percent.
Now, that may burn because it sucks to think that the ex can make this decision to leave and still get their share. But, it is what it is. Acceptance will help you move thru this more quickly. Take the high road (but don\'t give up your rights)