20 weeks???
Sorry sisters...seems like all of my entries have been terribly sad lately...it's just that I feel so overcome and am trying so hard to find some relief. Tomorrow will be 20 weeks. I am 43 years old. I can't imagine another 20 or 30 years of this...I know you say it will get better and there have been times when it felt better, but it is back with a vengeance. That's my fear, that this grief will always return to attack me, I will only be free of it when I pass on and am with my beloved child...I can't wait that long...I am just existing, marinating in misery...and tired, so damn tired. I want her back so bad...
Replies
Grief is exhausting work!! Why wouldn\'t you be sad?? It has been only 20 weeks. Hell, I was in total shock, for the entire first year. Personally, I think that you put too much pressure on yourself, to stop hurting quickly. It will not happen.
There is no time limit of grief. Nobody grieves in the same exact way. Sept. 1st, will be 3 years for me, since my son died. I still spend days in my gown, refuse to leave the house on occasion, get knocked to my knees on a regular basis. I may have a few days, or a week, where I keep him in the back of my mind, but he is always there.
Please, give yourself permission to grieve and not worry how long it will last. 20 weeks is so new, the wound is so raw, your nerves are shot and hell yes, you are tired. Don\'t fight it so hard Gina, give in to your emotions, whatever they may be. Scream, cry, throw things, hide in the closet floor, wrapped up in her things....I have done all of those things. They help relieve the tension and allow me to sleep, when the storm of emotions pass. They will pass. Yes, they will happen again, but they happen less, as time goes on.
One day at a time and breathe, sweet Gina...
(((((HUGS))))).....Julia
private message coming
Oh my dear Gina. Please do not give up. I can relate to the feelings you are expressing. There is no question that grieving is exhausting. Nobody really understands until they have been there.
I am with Julia. Give yourself time to grieve. Twenty weeks sounds like a long time - and it is. But things do ease - slowly but surely.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Love and huge caring hugs,
Marlene
Grieving is a long slow process, one step forward two steps back. Be kind to yourself, give yourself a break and permission to grieve. It is not easy or fun but so very necessary. Hugs, Ann
Gina, Wishing you strength and rest. I\'m at the 10-month mark and am still numb and in disbelief that this could have occurred. I don\'t know if I will go through the stage you are now experiencing, where the grief is that raw. It\'s so different for each of us. I know our lives will never be the same, but the other strong women on this site are proof that it is possible to go on, no matter how difficult it may now seem. I know you have other people in your life who you love and love you, so try to hold on to them and their love and rest and grieve and rest again. Hugs, Laura
You must ride this grief wave as you are and know that it will turn you inside out and upside down. There will be lulls for you to steady yourself and then it will come again. I cannot even remember 20 weeks and I believe I cannot remember it for a reason. I was simply going through the emotions of living and kept putting one foot in front of the other with the hope that one day I might begin truly living again and not merely existing. It happened over time and it will for you as well.
There have been times on this path when I have known that I need to switch up my healing tools and perhaps scrap a few and find some new ones. This might be such a time even as exhausted as you feel to try to find something, anything that can bring a moment of respite and pause.
Please hold on dear Gina and keep surrendering what you cannot control and give yourself the nurturing that you did your Cassi. You are worth it and matter as do your feelings.
Lots of loving care,
XO Joanie
I have no words of wisdom as my journey in this hell is only 17 weeks and 3 days along......but there are many wise mothers here encouraging us. I was cleaning in my basement a few days ago and thought I was doing ok when I found one of my son\'s shirts that had missed the laundry.....it stilled smelled like him and I just collasped into tears...it knocked me down for a couple of days. I like Livingjuicy\'s description of grief and that it turns you inside out and upside down. I am upright again but who knows how long it will last. Sending you loving thoughts..... Rose (mom to Lewy)
Gina, the love and care you took of Cassi now must be directed to yourself. You are changed forever, but you can rise up with Cassi in you heart to accomplished a live of value. I am trying right here with you. Peace my friend. Kathy
20 weeks feels like an eternity, but it is do recent. Your pain is so great now...we say it gets better...but it takes a long time. It is work. You have to grieve your past present and future...but you can do this. It may feel impossible but you are stronger than you know. One moment at a time my friend. AND, never worry about sad journals...you should read some of my early journals 7 years ago..love and gentle hugs...Karen
No need to apologize for sad journals, we\'ve all written heart wrenching journals and that\'s what we are here for, to support each other with love and understanding. You really are very early on this rollercoaster our lives are now. I\'m sure it feels like an eternity and you just don\'t see how you will survive. As much as I dislike this saying, we have all learned how strong we are, but honestly I would have rathered not learn. I remember counting the days, weeks, months. I think somewhere after 2 years I stopped the frequent counting, I am over 5 years and if I were to count the days, weeks, or months I think my brain would explode. As much as you want to escape the pain, there is no way around it but through it. But do make an effort to find a way to nurture yourself for a little bit - bubble bath, reading, walking, something you can find a little peace in for a little bit. Wishing you some peaceful moments. Sue xo
I published a journal on the ForMomsOnly profile about the cocoon of grief and you may want to read it...perhaps you have already read this, but I wanted to share it with you. Just click \'ForMomsOnly\' below this post and then go to my journals...it is titled \'Emerging\" there are articles or thoughts and messages there to read also if you wish. I post when the urge strikes me...
(my personal journals are on the profile \'AnnM\'--my early in grief journals start in 2006)
Looking back with different eyes now on my grief journey, I know that I will always have grief over losing my son--just like there is always an ocean--there is no getting around it--just through it. I think of grief as a \'wave\'...sometimes the waves are steady, sometimes gentle, sometimes rough--but they are always there...rather than a progression that implies moving forward--then backwards. After a while, I was able to weather the rough spots better, perhaps because I accept that \"there will be moments like this\"...perhaps because I know now that I will survive.
One day, you will see light/hope for the future...just knowing that may be enough right now. (never enough, but sometimes it is enough for the moment)
Take gentle care of you,
AnnM