I can't just go around doing nothing anymore! I'm going crazy! My thoughts are eating me up and driving me insane! I've been depressed since I was about 13 (I haven't got any diagnoisis on that but I know the symptoms). It's been going up and down, sometimes I feel good and then there is periods were I are down on the bottom again right now I'm on my way down. I feel better now then I've ever done the past 6 years, I like myself or well I'm okay with myself. I can look myself in the mirror without feeling bad and that's good. The newest thing is me being able to look in the mirror and think "Hey, I'm not to bad" well next time I'll think "God I'm gross" depending which day it is but good stuff starts to happend. I feel like I got strenght that I never had before and I can acctually make it this time, maybe even be normal (HA that's never gonna happend). But then again this thoughts come back, those I wanna forget everything that's happend. FUCK THE PAST!! I really hope it's gonna get easier when I get out of here! Away from everything familiar and start all over!I gotta find something to do cause just going around the house waiting for Septemer so I can get out of here is destroying me and everything good I have going. The thoughts are coming back and dragging me down in the dark again. And again I'm going around on the edge to tears again crying like a baby cause I didn't understand what the paper was saying and that must make me stupid. It's not normal to feel the urge to scream "I HATE YOU" out louad (Meaning myself). All is back. All this have to go when I go to USA and start over everything is going to be different it have to! Or I will fucking die! It's going to be so good leaving everybody who have the power to put me down, they dont do it on purpose but they do it. Mom, dad, my friends, my brothers! OMG yes my brothers! I just wanna leave! I love all of them but they are so not helping to feel good about myself. I have to get away from them and USA gotta be far enough. But it's two freaking months left until I'm going. Two months! It will take me a couple days to get down on the bottom again and have to start all over. Why can't I just leave all the past behind and forget about it. ERASE IT!! I can't deal with it now or ever so why can't it just go away. Why am I writing here anyway? Sorry everyone who got thourgh this I'm sure it made absolutley no sense.