Can't sleep
It's 3:30 am. I can't sleep. My nieces wedding is oct 19. It's such a happy occasion I'm so anxious and hoping that I can hold up. Jackie was supposed to stand up for her. Melissa is putting a picture of Jackie in a small frame and attaching it to her flowers so she can walk down the aisle with her. It will be very emotional for my family and friends and I know that I will have a lot of support during the night. This is a wonderful occasion and I don't want to upset anyone. So my dr put me on 3 klonopin a day and it seems to be working. As far as the therapist goes I do like her and she's very down to earth. I'm comfortable talking about anything She's trying to help understand why someone who suffered with terrible pain in her head for 2 years would take her life. I told her I wanted to kill myself when Jackie died because the pain of losing her was too much to bear. It would become physical. I couldn't breath and my chest would hurt like I was having a heart attack. That's how she tries to compare it. Except Jackie's pain was there all the time I don't know if I will ever accept it but I understand what she is saying. I think she is helping a little. Anyway. Keep me in your thoughts that I get through the day ok. Love u all. Gail
Replies
You are in my thoughts~~
Tightest of heart hugs my dear friend.
Thinking of you dear Gail and just know that you will awaken to October 20th and will have made it through in the best way that you can. Allow yourself lots of wiggle room and if you can only stay for part of it so be it. There will be understanding hearts of that I am certain.
I must admit that something you said about your therapist confuses me... \"She\'s trying to understand why someone who suffered with terrible pain in her head for 2 years would take her life.\" That does not seem difficult to understand so I do hope that she is a heart with ears and can be that compassionate presence that you need. Perhaps you are meaning that she is trying to piece together Jackie\'s life so that she has a better understanding.
Loving care dear Gail and this day will unfold and you will get through it one minute at a time. I know they are very hard days to navigate and Jackie will be there too. Save her a seat and let her know you need her to help you. She\'s listening...
I care~
Love and heartfelt (((hugs)))
XO Joanie
I send my prayers,,, Hoping all goes well at the wedding... love ya!
Gail, I went through this a few weeks back with my best friend\'s son was getting married. (I journaled about it.) I have known the groom since he was a tot. I only made it through the wedding but I did what I could. We had just had those horrible floods in Colorado which ruined my hair do. I threw on my walking/garden hat.
The funny thing is that about a week later I was chatting on Facebook with a mom and her computer was messing up so she switched to her phone. She was typing \"double trouble\" regarding her young boys except it came out something like \"thathatthathatthathattha.\" My friend and I giggled but then I realized it said, \"that hat that hat that hat ha\" so since Josh likes messing up electronics, I think he was laughing at my hat at the wedding.
I know this is hard and Jackie has stronger ties to this wedding but we will all be with you in spirit.
Much love,
Leda
Sending healing thoughts and love,
Terry
I hope you sleep well tonight, and remember (I know we say it over and over but it is true), the anticipation of an event is usually worse than the event itself. Try not to stress over it to much ahead of time! I know it is hard to do that. My dear friend (who also lost her son just months before mine) told me something that put it in a way that made sense to me. She told me that I will not miss my son on a \"special\" occasion any more than I do any other day of the year and this helps me! I don\'t take off work for his b/d, his A/d or any other day of the year. Works for me. Days are numbers. Like, for instance, my son died on the Saturday before Thanksgiving. Last year, Thanksgiving was on the 22nd, but it was Thursday, not Saturday. So, they are just numbers to me. Hugs
Peace.
Thank you dear sisters, Teri perhaps the way I wrote about the therapist I was confusing. She understands why Jackie would take her life after being in so much pain for two years and after all the tests and treatments that were not,helping her, she had to leave her job that she loved, the depression started kicking in. She wants me to try to understand because when Jackie died I wanted to kill myself from the pain. But mine was emotional. Jackie had no relief. 24/7. I don\'t think I will ever accept it. Maybe I might understand it , but never accept it.
Gail, a year and a half after Jenn died, her daughter Sarah got married...a day Jenn dreamed of from the time Sarah was born... a day that Jenn should have been there as the Mother of the Bride... a day that was glorious, and wondrous, and sad beyond belief. I made it though and you will do, maybe not without tears, but that is ok.. it\'s always ok to cry at weddings !!! just be sure to pack a pretty handkerchief...
I also wanted to remind you that the emotional pain we go through is NO LESS painful than physical pain...
hugs, MaryLou