CONFUSED
The last couple of weeks have been confusing. I don't know what is happening to me all of a sudden. At first I felt like I came out of a fog and I just started missing Jackie more. I was crying more so I increased the xanax. My best friend wants me to come over tomorrow nite for dinner before the Fast for Yom Kippor. We spend all holidays together. Well, I almost had a panic attack thinking how I have to be in a crowd of people. I told her I can't come. Of course,she understood. She is like a sister and we are friends for 50 years. But, I hate this feeling. I feel out of control. Its like I'm forcing myself to live. Everything seems so monumental to me. Making a decision is a problem. I was always the strong one. Everyone came to me.
I feel like my life has been sucked out of me. My Jackie is gone. She is really gone. I'm going in for surgery on the 18th. Out of nowhere, I picture Jackie sitting at my bedside when I wake up. What am I thinking. She won't be there. I start crying again. I am really trying so hard to go on. My son and family are coming over on sun. He is so wonderful to me. I can't wait to see my grandchildren. But then they leave, and i'm thinking of how much Jackie is missing. When will I stop feeling this way? I am very lucky. I have a wonderful son, sister and best friends that try to keep me going. I think to myself, maybe I won't wake up from surgery. And that doesn't scare me. How selfish is that. It would be horrible for my son to lose me right after his sister. I don't want to feel this way. This has to pass????
I feel like my life has been sucked out of me. My Jackie is gone. She is really gone. I'm going in for surgery on the 18th. Out of nowhere, I picture Jackie sitting at my bedside when I wake up. What am I thinking. She won't be there. I start crying again. I am really trying so hard to go on. My son and family are coming over on sun. He is so wonderful to me. I can't wait to see my grandchildren. But then they leave, and i'm thinking of how much Jackie is missing. When will I stop feeling this way? I am very lucky. I have a wonderful son, sister and best friends that try to keep me going. I think to myself, maybe I won't wake up from surgery. And that doesn't scare me. How selfish is that. It would be horrible for my son to lose me right after his sister. I don't want to feel this way. This has to pass????
Replies
Yes, it will pass... however have you been evaluated for depression? I also think a lot of us Moms suffer from PTSD, as we \'function\' find for a while and then everything crashes about us.
Oh, your Jackie WILL be with you during surgery and afterwards, just not that you can touch her, but SHE will be with you then, as she is with you always NOW.
Hugs, MaryLou
O I understand your pain ,its so hard and seems to never end,6 years and still missing my Denise to cry and cry. Your lucky you have a good son and some support, you have my love.
I wish I had an answer to your question. I\'m just past the 7 month mark and even with validation she\'s in spirit and OK it seems to be getting harder every day without her. I can\'t keep myself from thinking over and over about her letter, about how she loved me so much but still had to do this. The world looks \"weird\" to me, I feel like a stranger in a strange land. I know exactly how you feel and I have no answers. Both my therapists tell me it will \"soften\", I don\'t know what that means. I lost my anchor. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.
Grief is not linear ~ it is cyclical, especially in the early months. At times you will feel like the worst is over and you are re-emerging to life as it was or at least a semblance of life as it was. And then, wham, out of nowhere ~ you\'re collapsed on the floor screaming and sobbing. Sometimes this happens from specific triggers ~ like passing a restaurant you used to love to go with Jackie ~ and sometimes we don\'t know what causes it ~ it just is ~ probably the sadness that is ever lingering just below the surface of our everyday lives.
As time goes on, the highs and sense of release from the omnipresent million pound cloud will get higher and easier to sustain and the lows will be of shorter duration and easier to climb back from. This journey we\'re on takes patience ~ mostly with ourselves and our fluctuating moods.
But I do promise you the cycle will get easier to bear and the sadness and pain will get softer ~ it\'s been a bit over two years now since our daughter Corrie was struck and killed by a drunk driver ~ and it really is easier to laugh, to smile, to engage with those around me. But it is definitely one step/one breath/one day at a time. Do what you can each day and forgive yourself the rest. I\'m glad you have a lifetime friend who truly understands and can help you work your way through your loss.
Sending love and hugs of encouragement and peace ~ Debbie
Like Debbie said it is very hard in the beginning...we just want to stop hurting and it takes a while for that to happen...I was physically and emotionally hurting in the beginning...it felt like my heart was ripped out of my heart and like a stabbing in my heart at the same time....eventually that feeling has left..I can\'t even tell you when it left...I just realized it one day....I still have the emotional hurting though. Melissa will be gone 3 years in November....everyone heals at a different pace. Just know that everything you are going through is normal...I went through the same, we all do...We heal without even realizing it as the time passes. I think we just accept it after a certain amount of time.....just remember the lovely ladies on this site will help you whenever you feel you need it...Hugs and love, Connie
It has helped me to think of grief as an uninvited house guest. I am beginning to sometimes tell it (grief) to leave me alone, at least for awhile. Someone said Grief comes like waves, gentle or like a tidal wave. It is a roller coaster ride but I am becoming more flexible. When it hits hard, I cry hard. If it hits gently, I ignore it. I don\'t feed it to become a tidal wave. It doesn\'t work all the time, but on occasion it has for me. I hope one day it can work for you. We all have to find something that works in order to keep our sanity, right?
Thank you all for being there for me. At times I do feel like i\'m going insane. The psychiatrist I had to go to for clearence for surgery thinks that under such circumstances, I\'m doing good. I\'m sure that if I wasn\'t on xanax and prozac I would have been in a mental ward somewhere. Thank GOD for these meds, because I do have family. Already I am anticipating the holidays. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up when they are over. I\'m going to visit my girl today and bring her fresh roses. Jackie\'s death changed my entire life. The normal I knew is no more. I have to make a new normal. I pray she will give me strength to do that for my family.
You are right. Our lives are changed forever and somehow we must forge a new life from loss. It takes time and the waves of grief do hit and they hit hard. But slowly with God\'s grace and your son\'s love and the love of your grandchildren, your friends and your sisters here, you will heal. Sending love and the tighest of hugs, Linda