CONFUSED

The last couple of weeks have been confusing. I don't know what is happening to me all of a sudden. At first I felt like I came out of a fog and I just started missing Jackie more. I was crying more so I increased the xanax. My best friend wants me to come over tomorrow nite for dinner before the Fast for Yom Kippor. We spend all holidays together. Well, I almost had a panic attack thinking how I have to be in a crowd of people. I told her I can't come. Of course,she understood. She is like a sister and we are friends for 50 years. But, I hate this feeling. I feel out of control. Its like I'm forcing myself to live. Everything seems so monumental to me. Making a decision is a problem. I was always the strong one. Everyone came to me.
I feel like my life has been sucked out of me. My Jackie is gone. She is really gone. I'm going in for surgery on the 18th. Out of nowhere, I picture Jackie sitting at my bedside when I wake up. What am I thinking. She won't be there. I start crying again. I am really trying so hard to go on. My son and family are coming over on sun. He is so wonderful to me. I can't wait to see my grandchildren. But then they leave, and i'm thinking of how much Jackie is missing. When will I stop feeling this way? I am very lucky. I have a wonderful son, sister and best friends that try to keep me going. I think to myself, maybe I won't wake up from surgery. And that doesn't scare me. How selfish is that. It would be horrible for my son to lose me right after his sister. I don't want to feel this way. This has to pass????