last night i had myself a pity party. as i was mowing the lawn, which i like doing, i suddenly started crying and was angry at the same time. i started thinking about all the people i know who complain about all they have to do, people i know, and they have husbands. the lonliness aver came me and thats when the self pity really kicked in. i was suprised aboout the intensity of my feelings about being alone, no hugs, no anything. now i do realize that all relationships have bad times, dont get me wrong, its just been so long, its been 22 yrs being alone. well, i called my parents, as i didnt call them the day before, and well, i said to my mother how i was feeling, stupid i know. in short, she said she wished i had met someone i long time ago, basically saying well, its to late now type of thing. i said i still want to find someone, and she said well that would be nice to have someone to date. i said, i would love to marry again, and there was silence, then "oh". when will i learn not to talk?
i talked to collen yesterday and mentioned the school taxes, we only talked briefly, she had friends over, she then remembered and i told her i had saved about 1200, which was very hard, and she said we would talk about it. the niacamp i wanted to go too, i really feel i cant go. colleens birthday is right in the middle of the weekend and she told me she is having a party out on the new deck they built, i said, oh i dont know if ill be home. i felt so bad, plus if she finds out i paid to go and not spent that money on the taxes, she'll flip. shit. im sad also because david isnt coming home for his birtday, aug 28th., i guess i have to admit they are getting older but i still am sad. i just dont know what to do about nia and colleen, family should come first.
i talked to collen yesterday and mentioned the school taxes, we only talked briefly, she had friends over, she then remembered and i told her i had saved about 1200, which was very hard, and she said we would talk about it. the niacamp i wanted to go too, i really feel i cant go. colleens birthday is right in the middle of the weekend and she told me she is having a party out on the new deck they built, i said, oh i dont know if ill be home. i felt so bad, plus if she finds out i paid to go and not spent that money on the taxes, she'll flip. shit. im sad also because david isnt coming home for his birtday, aug 28th., i guess i have to admit they are getting older but i still am sad. i just dont know what to do about nia and colleen, family should come first.
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