Oh People, Friends, I want to SCREAM. I chose RED because my blood is boilng and my Heart is Hurting. On top of court, grieving, and an iligitiment grandbaby, I found out today, that my daughter( that is so so smart and graduated with honors last year) has been seeing the DEADBEAT DAD...... She had a PanicAttack last Sunday Night and couldn't drive, I suspected something then, We had to go and get her from a parking lot about 6 miles away from our house, yeah the baby was with her. We got her home, And I be dadblasted if the very next day, she told me she was going to enroll in OTC (Tech school), Yeah stupid me kept the baby, but the rest of the afternoon she spent with HIM...... So today I decided to do a suprise stop at his house because his Dad was home, Me and his Dad talked for an hour and this has been going on for about 3 weeks. He has a warrant for child support, and they don't play, his Dad is adoment he is going to let him go to jail because he is sick and tired of paying his way. He is 22. He is also going to sell his older model, refurbished Tahoe, since he quit his job 7 months ago and is paying no insurance. And MY DAUGHTER wants to stand by him. She wants him to go to jail, get her money from left behind support and let him get counseling and then raise their Baby "Together"!! She is going to school, and will end up suporting his sorry ass if and when he gets out, I see through him.......All he wants to do is play video games and ride the roads, and do as least as possible........What a GREAT EXAMPLE HUH for baby HUH........I'll Accept any advice from anyone who will give it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Love You All, Prayers and BIG BIG HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Replies
I think the hardest thing to do in this world is to watch somebody make what you know will be a big mistake and be able to do nothing about it but stand by and watch it happen. I have to tell you what my counselor told me, that people have their own \"free will\" and it is impossible to \"control\" everything they do in life. So the best advice I can give you on your daughter is this. Tell her what she means to you, that she is intelligent, and wonderful. That you love her very much. And that you do not support her decision to see the deadbeat father. \"I love you, I support you, if there is anything you need call me, and good luck but I don\'t support your decision to see this young man.\" Then let it rest. Don\'t carry this with you and make yourself sick, in time it will not work out, and maybe your daughter needs to find this our for herself. Not being there for her will not help but just alienate her when she needs you most. Just be there for her and tell her how you feel about it and why.
Gee, sweetie...this is a tough one. I so wish I knew the answers to this...I think your daughter will unfortunately have to hit rock bottom with him before she ever sees the light of day again, cuz it looks as though he has completely managed to take her down to the deepest of depths...but she has yet to find that bottom...you can\'t help those who don\'t want it, as hard as that is, it\'s the truth...been there and done that with my own step children...it hurts, but we have to let them go and find things out the hard way. Sorry this isn\'t what you were looking for, and I hope I didn\'t hurt you, because that was not my intentions. Love and hugs, Kat
I am going to say pretty much the same as everyone else....I understand though that it is hard to let go---nd watch our child hurt themselves or possibly go in the wrong direction but n oone cna be forced to change..You see...living with Dan as an addict for nearly 6 yrs has taught me alot about enabling and having our children never suffer consequences for their actions..then they learn nothing--why change if they can continue to do whatever they think is right with no consequences...so basically what I am saying is it is up to your daughter and hopefully she learns soon that this so-called-dad is not good for her... I would help the baby though the most I can for he is an innocent victim of this irresponsible life right now and deserves security and stability--if you disconnect from him because you think you are \"helping\" her ...you will only hurt the baby..so help him or evern try to get him to live/stay with you until she figures things out which is up to her---I would tell her what elisha has said above..remind her how much you love her---take a BIG deep breathe and exhale---slow down with the xanax too for too many will cloud up your decisions.....keep in touch lots of love and good luck
maria dansmom
You have a tough situation there. She probably does love him in spite of his uselessness and he is familiar and convenient. There is no logic to her thinking, send him to jail for rehabilitation, get back child support then live happily ever after??
All you can do is advise her that this plan is foolish and doomed to failure, don\'t help her down this path but don\'t turn your back on her either. Right or wrong we all make and have to live with our decisions.
Wow...there is truth to all advice above and unfourtunately I think that they are right. We cannot fix this...your daughter has to...I speak from personal experience here, although there was not a child involved, my parents disapproved of my 1st husband, my childrens father...yes you heard right, 1st husband, meaning there was another after him--a better choice. Anyway I chose him...he didn\'t start out being a deadbead dad, alcholic, drug addit later in life, etc. But he did become all of them. My Mom tried to \"talk some sense into me and pressure me to do the right thing\" \"she raised me better...I had a brain...came from a better family\"--Later, even when I would seperate from him
she would add her well meaning advice...me being young and headstrong and prideful, I did not heed her advice...was deaf to it...I tried to prove her wrong...I think I would have been out of the relationship sooner, if my pride would have allowed me to go back to them for help or let me graciously say \"I made a mistake\" instead I couldn\'t let her \"win\"--There was quite a rift between us--now I have a daughter, 23 and pray she does not make my mistakes...that is what it really is all about...protecting our children...maybe other are right...sometimes the best, but most costly, lessons have to be experienced (happiness, sorrow, frustration, trust and loss of trust, and the bursting of our little fantasy world to the reality of life)...so My advice is Let Go and Let God...My recent Grief Retreat gave me a little card that read the following message: (I have written it somewhere on DS before--forgive me if I repeat it here...)
LET GO AND LET GOD
As Children bring their broken toys,
With tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
Because He is my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
In peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help,
with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back again
And cried, \"How can you be so slow?\"
\"My Child\" He said, \"What could I do?\"
\"You never did let go.\"
Good luck and be ready and supportive when and if she falls...
Love,
Ann
Shannon, you\'ve gotten the most wonderful advice: let her know the things Elisha has said. Then: Let Go and Let God.
My God...I think your daughter has to go ahead and make her mistakes...she does have to hit rock bottom and realize HERSELF what a mistake she is making. I think your telling her anything at this point is only going to make her want to do the opposite of what you want. I\'ll pray for you to have strength...and I think some of the others who responded are right...let go...and let God... -Karen
My thoughts go quickly to my son as I read this journal. Hurt as it does, I could only let go. He is a brilliant young man who could and should achieve so much. He chooses not to. He chooses to be homeless, jobless, and goal-less (couldn\'t find that word in the dictionary, but wanted to use it anyway). It is heartbreaking. He was raised better. BUT, he is nineteen (tweenty on June 30) and he has not lived in this house since he was 18. He makes his own choices (mostly mistakes). All advise I give him is thrown back in my face. I had to learn to let him do as he chose no matter how wrong or how hard. I knew nothing else to do. I know none of this is uplifting or encouraging and I\'m sorry. But I will admit, the more I let go, the less stressed I am. I pray your daughter makes wise decisions. I hope you can pray that for my son too.
Living to make Kala proud,
Teri
Shannon, Your daughter sounds like me 18 years ago. Graduated with honor full scholarship to DU, but noooo I wanted to marry the dead beat first husband. My Mom too saw right through him but, all I could see was that I loved him and wanted to be with him. I did not listen either and married him, I don\'t regreat that part because I got two beautiful children out of that marrage. But I also got heart ache, a broken nose, broken ribs and shot at when I did finally leave. I agree with all the other Moms you can not stop her and you don\'t want to alionate her away from you. If you keep pressuring her not to be with this looser the more she will want to be with him. And you want to beable to keep your eye on her to watch for anything that might indicate abuse. you see when we love we tend to love blindly and not see what our mothers see. Please be patient and just love her, she will need you soon enough. love and prayers to you and your family Melissa
excuse me I tried to make myself younger it was twenty years ago not eighteen. Melissa
as i sat here i read your story, then i read all the other still, everyone is saying the right and samething,not in the same words but different, listen to your friend, now i know you are hottttttttttttt, but calm down ,we don\'t want you to get sick, listen to your ds friends
Unfortunately, your daughter is thinking with her heart and not her head. It sounds like she has this romantic idea about the father and that her love is going to change him. How frustrating! I\'m sure she doesn\'t want to believe that the father of her baby can be such a loser. It may help to sit them both down and hear from both of them what their game plan is. You know what she thinks he is going to do, but he may be just placating her by saying he is going to counseling. Let him explain himself to you. I doubt he can talk around you.
How does she figure she is going to get back child support if he isn\'t working? He thinks he\'s got control of the situation because he knows she will do anything to get him back and that you will do anything for your grandbaby. Until she sees that he is going to move from person to person in order to support him, he isn\'t going away. I\'ll pray that the blinders come off of her and that he realizes his purpose in life is that lovely baby. Big squeeze!
I feel about the same as everyone else. I have been in your shoes. When my daughter was 19 she became pregnant, the father was a guy I didn\'t like and had forbidden her to see. He was always drinking, smoking pot, getting in trouble, you name it. Well, he and his mom talked her into getting married eventhough I told her she could have the baby and stay home. She married him, had the baby and lived with his parents for a while until they got an apartment. Six months later she and the baby were home again with me after he landed her in the ER with nothing serious, just needed stitches in her finger but he has abusive and controlling tendancies. The night she left him he took the baby and wouldn\'t tell her where he was, we had to track down the baby and take him back.They got divorced after that. To make a very long story short, a year or so later she dated him again and the same thing happened. She didn\'t move out but was seeing him and he did the same thing. Hitting her, following her around, finally she wised up and cut it off. Well, two years ago she started again. She moved in with him and remarried him. Last July they had another baby. I did not go to the second wedding and she understood why. He is still very controlling and doesn\'t do much to help her. She is in nursing school now and is very busy with that and the two kids. My point is, you cannot control what your daughter does. Tell her how you feel, that you love her but do not support her decision. That is the only thing you can do. My oldest son once told me that parents point their children in the right direction but the children ultimately choose which path they will take. I had to let my daughter make her own decisions while making sure I kept her in my life in a positive way. She tells me in a round about way that she knows she shouldn\'t be with him and I try not to say much but she knows exactly how I feel. I did not want to alienate her and I knew that if I tried to control her I would lose her. The most important thing is that you remain in a loving relationship with your daughter. She will realize she made a mistake (again) and need her mom. Prayers to you. Pat
Well, people in glass houses can\'t through stones. My life is not an example anymore. When John was alive, he, I and our life was a great example of all good things. Now, I don\'t know what to sat to you. I am sorry that you have to go through this and sorry for your grandchild. You cannot change your daughter;s mind. The more you say no the more she will try. I don\'t know what to say. I feel sad, that I now words of wisdom.
this is a no win situation if your daughter is set on staying with the baby\'s dad. I can\'t imagine how you feel. I will be here to listen and catch your tears, but I don\'t know what else to do. Sometimes life just works out. I hope in this case it does.
Theresa
I found out a long time ago, that no matter what, one\'s kids WILL do what they want...even if it is wrong to us. This young man sounds extremely immature and definitely not ready for fatherhood. Your daughter should go on to school and do what is right for herself, her child and you...if she is living with you. The more you push against what she wants,(the guy) the more she will go after him. I learned this from personal experience with my own daughters. They had to make their own mistakes and screw up their lives before they realized that I was right. This is probably the hardest part of parenthood. The young man will eventually realize his mistakes...but that will be a long time coming. I would say if she wants to go to him or meet him and tells you a lie about it, then don\'t rescue her. If she takes the baby with her and ends up in a parking lot...then you go get the baby and let her find her own way home. Very difficult to do...let her know you love her and that you are doing this for her own sake. She won\'t realize it now, though. I know this sounds rough, but it worked (as painful for me as it was) for my daughter.