I spent free time during my work day researching the best ways to tell children of a divorce. In some ways it transformed the project into something similar to getting organized for a presentation at work. I enjoy researching, learning, compiling data and organizing it for presentation so it seemed to help. When I was done with the first draft of organization, I was completely drained. This is so important and I have so much to lose (my children's emotional well being, sense of love and security, and their trust and respect as their father.) I wish I could protect those things forever and would give up body parts to do so. But that is not an option. That has been taken out of my control. Those things are going to be damaged. There will probably be scars forever. I can only try to minimize the damage.
 
I want to rage to the world that didn't want this. I want to prove to my precious children that their father always tried and never gave up. But it has been made clear to me that I would only put them in the position of chosing which parent's love meant more to them. No child should ever have to make that choice when both parents loves them dearly. 
 
I still love the mother of my children. I will forever see her in them. To protect them  will have to protect her in this and sacrifice some of myself. 

Replies

sunshineydays
sunshineydays

I have read through all your journal entries and it is as though I am reading my own story!
Except there are quite a few more chapters to add yet!.....in short it goes like this....
He wants the divorce, we get divorced, turns out there\'s been affairs and was in one at time of divorce! He wants to remain friends, I agree. We see each other every week, I live for seeing him once a week. Eventually I move away as my self esteem, strength of character, emotional wellbeing eroded to nothing!
I am a shadow of my former self, I am now physically ill and will never recover, I did not know that at the time. The stress contributed greatly to my health problems.
3years go by and I have another job, new friends and finally putting things behind me. I bump into him in my new town, he convinces me that we should go for something to eat. I agree. He tells me he has been unable to find anyone like me and he\'s tried a lot!! Eventually over a period of 6months he convinces me we have a future together and he wants us to buy a home together. So we buy a home together. I move in. Unaware that his family do not know we have bought a home! He never moved in, but came to stay every weekend initially.
Finally after 8months he tells me that he has met someone and been having an affair with her for 7months. To cut a long story short he married this woman 6months later! When I asked why he came back he said that he knew I would always love him more than he loved me! He did not love me enough and was always looking for that elusive love the whole time we were together! End of story!! I learnt a lot from him about not being loved!
strongandsilent
strongandsilent

Oh god, I remember prepping for that talk. It was terrible before! During and after. My es and I never fought so the kids had no idea it was coming (neither had I for that matter).

I wouldn\'t dare give advice. I think I wrote about it in some of my posts so you can take a look at my experience. Some things to think about...

- I made to decision that we would say it was mutual even though it EMPATICALLY was not. I refused to blame bc I was desparate for my kids to still love their Dad. That wasn\'t hard at the time (I was in deep grief at the time) but was tough later when anger started to kick in. But, I deeply believe it was right for us.

- we followed all the typically \"scripts\" you see on the Internet. The hardest part was that the kids wanted a \"reason\". A hard clear reason. We didn\'t have one to give. (Your Dad had an affair and would rather be with her was not in the script). This seriously frustrated my 11 year old. Again, it worked out me us.

- it is ok if you cry. It is sad. They will be sad. You will be sad. A good cry together is completely ok.

- it will take them a while to process it. You will need to find time to be with them over the next several weeks so they can ask questions.

Good luck! It is he\'ll, but it will be over and you will be there for them.
idontmakeherhapyenuf
idontmakeherhapyenuf

Thank you for the encouraging words. I can only do what I can do. Even more so I cannot control what I cannot control. That is especially true with my wife. She ideally believes we will shoot through this entire process with glowing success. Too bad she didn\'t have such faith in our marriage. Realistically I know she believes this because she assumes I will agree with everything she wants to say. I am going to prepare her for the give and take of hammering out the best approach for both of us. Neither is going to like everything and both are going to have to compromise. I\'ve always been the compromisor and she stubbornly refuses usually. Isn\'t it wonderful she has such conviction (sarcasm)!

This is going to be so very very hard and then we get to start working on the divorce. Will the fun never end?