Goal Update

So, I stopped updating my ongoing goal journal entry a month or more ago. I had been opening it up every week and adding a sentence or two to keep track of my progress. I’ve been a little busy lately, haven’t been real good and achieving my goals and I just let it go. But today I did something good for myself and I thought I’d write a little something.
My goal in general is to become healthy, to stop harming myself, love myself, be the best me I can be... Good goal, yes? Anyway, after a self-destructive period, I was feeling a lot of self-loathing, was using sex and pot to provide me with a way to cope and escape. I was over-eating, eating unhealthy foods and not very active. So the four goals I’ve set are to change my sexual behavior, not use pot to cope, eat healthier, and be active.
My sexual behavior has really changed in a dramatic way. I am achieving this goal. I’m a sexual masochist and I haven’t inflicted any pain on myself in months. In the past, I‘ve acted out sexual fantasies in a virtual world called Second Life. I developed an addiction to a role-play partner there and really to the game in general. There have been a few small slip ups in that regard, but a huge change has been made and I really know better than to visit SL; I don’t think I’ll be going back.
I still have many sexual inhibitions, PTSD and am aroused by violence, but I’m accepting that this is something that is a result of the abuse, and I’m being kinder with myself about it. Sure, I’d like to change, but I’m not going to change over-night and that’s okay.
Regarding marijuana usage, drastic changes also. I think back to my early teenaged years when I was in a deep depression and I got out of it. I thought back… why? What changed? I started smoking pot J. I honestly feel that is has helped me some. It did get me out of my depression and I became more social…. I also believe it reduces the symptoms of PTSD. I’ve always had heightened anxiety and I was self-medicating myself. I did, however, get too carried away. I got stoned fairly regularly though high-school, on the weekend in my early to middle twenties and daily in recent years. In recent years it has become my main coping mechanism. Anyway, when I cut off the sexual addiction and drastically reduced the pot last summer, I came out of denial and recalled the abuse. Since then I have been mostly riding out the emotional storms that hit me. I occasionally smoke, but it’s nothing like it used to be and the desire to smoke is less, most of the time.
Eating healthy…. We’ll I really do love eating. I like all kinds of things that are bad for me like, bacon, chocolate, cream cheese, cookies, ice cream, fried foods, butter, sour cream, ranch (anything creamy). Mmmm. I’m simply just not going to stop eating food I like. BUT I have made changes to the way I eat. I have very consistently ate a healthy breakfast 6/7 days a week for several months now. Lunch is healthy maybe ½ of the time and dinner is rather random (I’m trying to eat healthy the other two meals and not be so strict about dinner). I have however started preparing some regular dinners that are more healthy. I allow myself to snack on junk food sometimes, but I often just take a little taste. I’ve been eating more whole grains, fiber, rice, vegetables, fruit…. And when I feel I need to compulsively eat for emotional reasons, I grab an apple. My diet still has room for improvement, but, it has improved.
I am so accomplishing my goal of being more active and this is the part I’m really excited about. I bought a bike last fall and have been going on a good bike ride once a week very consistently. I really do enjoy it once I get myself out there doing it; I’m so happy I bought a bike… I do sit-ups nearly every morning and I take walks. I have achieved this. I’m inspired though; as I get to exercising more, I want to exercise more. It is really a very affective way for me to deal with my emotions. I get depressed and feel self-destructive and I exercise. It feel good. I was actually very athletic as a child and I miss it. I became so self-conscious about my body that I didn’t want to exercise around people…. (I still am), but it’s getting better.
Anyway, what I am excited about is that I got a gym membership. I’d done the same thing three years back for about a year, and then thought I couldn’t afford it and let it go…. I’ve missed it! I take aqua aerobics classes and YOGA. I love yoga. I missed yoga. I do it on my own sometimes, but it’s not the same. I truly believe that yoga is going to help greatly with my PTSD; there is just something wonderful about getting a good stretch and releasing all the tension from the body. I sit at a desk all day and yoga works wonders for my back and shoulders. I was in yoga at 7:30 this morning and afterward I felt so good. Exhale, release the tension, clear your mind, the visualization…. It’s just what I need. Yoga helps PTSD I so believe this. Oh AND, I’ve never been able to quite sit in lotus position, but today at the end of class, I pulled my leg on top of the other, and after a crack, it feel right into place. I can do it now. How cool is that? I think it’s a good sign.
 
 

Replies

sadave46
sadave46

What an inspiring journal. You hope you feel the pride in all the growth and accomplishment you\'ve expressed here...actually it\'s pretty amazing to me how much you\'ve done in such a relatively short period of time. I admire and applaud your commitment to yourself. It seems pretty clear to me if you stay on this path, the skies the limit in terms of where you could be a year from now in your recovery, self esteem...so many aspects of your life. I\'m very happy for you Tammy.
RobynY
RobynY

Wow! I\'m impressed. You seem to be pulling everything together. I must admit I\'ve been trying to do the same. I started an exercise program. So of course I set my alarm for 6am this morning. Yeah, it didn\'t happen. At 7 I crawled out of bed. Sigh! Reading journals like this gives me that extra push I need. Congrats on all your accomplishments!
asilvercloud
asilvercloud

I sure hope so Dave. Ive been through several ups and downs in my life and have pulled myself into a healthier life-style in the past only to let it go. As you know, Ive been through difficult times, but have also been very blessed. The latter usually inspires me, but only for a period of time and then I, for no good reason, just slip back into the old patterns. Well, perhaps there were some reasons. Im just hoping that because Im much more conscious of what I am doing and why, that I will be able to keep a tighter grip and not backslide. Seeing that other survivors struggle with a lot of the same things helps me and support here helps to.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Good for you!! XD
Good luck and I wish the best of luck for you!!
I am here for support if you need anything =)