Goal Update
Week 1: I guess I have to write a journal to update a goal; great... I haven't smoked pot at all. I did sit-ups most days, I went on a bike ride and worked in the yard, but now it's rainy so I'm stuck inside. I ate okay, but the buffet today kinda set me back; there were a couple good days. Sexually, well I masterbated to violent thougts so, I guess I'm not meeting that goal. Stayed off SL even though am dying to go there. I haven't hurt myself this week. I also started therapy and was very uncomfortable; all and all, I guess I'm doing allright. I'm toughing it out for the most part. I gets better right?
Week 2: I have been somewhat active, but missed a day of sit-ups and did not get the bike ride in... I over-ate on multiple days this week. I got stoned through-out the weekend... I did, however make some sexual progress. I don't want to hold back the details entirely, because it may help someone else. Basically, although I thought about my former "master" with whom I am obsessed, I didn't have any violent fantasies (other than in dreams) *sigh*. I didn't masturbate to anything that could be damaging. I actually used the turn on of feeling owned to my advantage. I'm aroused by feeling that I am property... Anyway, I made myself my owner. I said in my mind," you belong to me." I took a loving/possessive approach and changed up the experience a bit. It arouses me but sends a different message and it didn’t make me feel bad about myself afterwards. I haven’t been having sex with my husband. I still feel very scared and uncomfortable. I’m scared of stirring up memories.
Week 3: Got stoned the first part of the week, so I can't say I'm meeting that goal; it was about making myself feel better. I was active enough, but I'm not really eating too healthy; it was a good week sexually until this morning (posted on the sex addiction page about this). Not too good of a week over-all, but still going to keep trying.
Week 4 = better. I haven't felt sexual at all this week, so I'm not using sex to feel better. I haven't smoked any pot. I've been pretty active, I still owe the bike ride, but will do that today. I ate better, not perfect (as consistantly eating only healthly things is unrealistic), but I did alright. I'm learning to cope with the feelings better, but I found myself wanting to clean a lot, and started to wonder it I might not have a mild form of OCD. Greaat huh; more issues; I'm not going to think about that too much right now ;). There have been some really difficult feeling this week, but one thing is clear, I don't want to hurt myself anymore, I don't want my dad's shame, and that is liberating in a way; I feel good about that.
Week 5: Still active and feeling good in that respect, eating fairly healthy/acceptably, I smoked pot one night when I was feeling fine, so it wasn't escape so much, and I'm okay with that. But, honestly, I got kind of confused about things and was annoyed that I could not think clearly. It seems that I'm enjoying having a clear mind and don't really want to alter it much anymore. Perhaps that is good; the desire is going away. Sexuality = not sexual, not at all which is really avoidance. I can actually keep that up for a long time, denying myself until it builds up and comes out in some destructive way. I'm hoping that is not going to happen, and know I still need to find some middle ground; it's so frustrating.
Week 6: *sigh* no comment
Week 7: I'm really teetering on the edge in terms of sex addiction. I have dealing with some tough emotions and have over-ate and got stoned. (I'm tired of feeling bad). The only thing I really did positive was take a walk and a bike ride (both of which helped). I'm going to turn this around again though; next week for sure.
Week 8: Not an easy one, but I stuck to the commitments I have made for myself by not engaging in abusive sex (and I really wanted to). I didn't smole pot at all this week and I was active. I even ran. I didn't eat very well though. That goal is difficult for me; there is chocolate, peanut brittle, assorted nuts, Chritmas cookies and they see to be every where I turn. Oh well, three out of four isn't bad.
Week 9: I didn't make very much progress this week. I felt over-whelmed and self-medicated once, I ate compulsively a few times and I didn't stay "sober" sexaully; I slipped up a little, once... I was active, but it was too rainy and I missed my bike ride. It really wasn't a terrible week; I am still doing a lot better than I have in the past.
Week 10: All I accomplished was being active; let's leave it at that.
Week 11: I accomplished all of my goals this week; took a long hike and even ate healthy foods. I feel good about that, and I managed even though I have been a bit depressed, so I'm definately progressing.
Week 2: I have been somewhat active, but missed a day of sit-ups and did not get the bike ride in... I over-ate on multiple days this week. I got stoned through-out the weekend... I did, however make some sexual progress. I don't want to hold back the details entirely, because it may help someone else. Basically, although I thought about my former "master" with whom I am obsessed, I didn't have any violent fantasies (other than in dreams) *sigh*. I didn't masturbate to anything that could be damaging. I actually used the turn on of feeling owned to my advantage. I'm aroused by feeling that I am property... Anyway, I made myself my owner. I said in my mind," you belong to me." I took a loving/possessive approach and changed up the experience a bit. It arouses me but sends a different message and it didn’t make me feel bad about myself afterwards. I haven’t been having sex with my husband. I still feel very scared and uncomfortable. I’m scared of stirring up memories.
Week 3: Got stoned the first part of the week, so I can't say I'm meeting that goal; it was about making myself feel better. I was active enough, but I'm not really eating too healthy; it was a good week sexually until this morning (posted on the sex addiction page about this). Not too good of a week over-all, but still going to keep trying.
Week 4 = better. I haven't felt sexual at all this week, so I'm not using sex to feel better. I haven't smoked any pot. I've been pretty active, I still owe the bike ride, but will do that today. I ate better, not perfect (as consistantly eating only healthly things is unrealistic), but I did alright. I'm learning to cope with the feelings better, but I found myself wanting to clean a lot, and started to wonder it I might not have a mild form of OCD. Greaat huh; more issues; I'm not going to think about that too much right now ;). There have been some really difficult feeling this week, but one thing is clear, I don't want to hurt myself anymore, I don't want my dad's shame, and that is liberating in a way; I feel good about that.
Week 5: Still active and feeling good in that respect, eating fairly healthy/acceptably, I smoked pot one night when I was feeling fine, so it wasn't escape so much, and I'm okay with that. But, honestly, I got kind of confused about things and was annoyed that I could not think clearly. It seems that I'm enjoying having a clear mind and don't really want to alter it much anymore. Perhaps that is good; the desire is going away. Sexuality = not sexual, not at all which is really avoidance. I can actually keep that up for a long time, denying myself until it builds up and comes out in some destructive way. I'm hoping that is not going to happen, and know I still need to find some middle ground; it's so frustrating.
Week 6: *sigh* no comment
Week 7: I'm really teetering on the edge in terms of sex addiction. I have dealing with some tough emotions and have over-ate and got stoned. (I'm tired of feeling bad). The only thing I really did positive was take a walk and a bike ride (both of which helped). I'm going to turn this around again though; next week for sure.
Week 8: Not an easy one, but I stuck to the commitments I have made for myself by not engaging in abusive sex (and I really wanted to). I didn't smole pot at all this week and I was active. I even ran. I didn't eat very well though. That goal is difficult for me; there is chocolate, peanut brittle, assorted nuts, Chritmas cookies and they see to be every where I turn. Oh well, three out of four isn't bad.
Week 9: I didn't make very much progress this week. I felt over-whelmed and self-medicated once, I ate compulsively a few times and I didn't stay "sober" sexaully; I slipped up a little, once... I was active, but it was too rainy and I missed my bike ride. It really wasn't a terrible week; I am still doing a lot better than I have in the past.
Week 10: All I accomplished was being active; let's leave it at that.
Week 11: I accomplished all of my goals this week; took a long hike and even ate healthy foods. I feel good about that, and I managed even though I have been a bit depressed, so I'm definately progressing.
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