been a long time.
things were really bad.
then this past 1 1/2 weeks have been really good.
surpirsed my sister and family at her last race of the year in philly on friday. that was amazing.
still exahusted from that day trip. took a toll on my body.
been eating extremely well yet losing weight. finally today my dietitian said I gained 3/4 pound. but after a big loss that i had it's minimal.
i hate the fact i gained.
really fucking depressed right now. having a lot of issues with sex etc. i dont care for it. i hate it. i put it off as much as i can. i have never enjoyed it. i have never even had a fucking orgasm. i just do it to pelase theo ther person. i could live with out it. i'm mad at myself for not trying more with girls. im attracted to men and women but i never had sex with a girl. never went beyond making out. but every time i think about it i get butterlflies in my stomach. so i want to.
no one knows that.
my therapist knows that i dont look at people with sex in mind. like i chose my firends and people i like for who they are. i dont care whether they have a penis or vagina or neither or both. she does know that. i dont think of sex. i dont know if i have a sex drive. i dont know what an orgasm feels like. I FUCKING KNOW NOTHING AND I FEEL LIKE A GOD DAMN IMMATURE 14 year old.
I'm so frustrated and upset. I have talked abgout all this with my therapist yesterday and today. It fucking sucks. I cried when having sex with my husband hyesterday.
I hate my life right now its not fair. I'm tired of doing everything. Making myself healthy, trying to fix our relatinoship, doing everything for our relationshipo, being the person everyone runs to for help. I CANT FUCKING GTAKE IT ANYMORE.
I melted down and went out and bought a bottle of wine and sat in my car in the parking lot drinking and cutting. Not good I know. But I hurt so bad right now.
Tomorrow is a new day- maybe i'll forget all this.
things were really bad.
then this past 1 1/2 weeks have been really good.
surpirsed my sister and family at her last race of the year in philly on friday. that was amazing.
still exahusted from that day trip. took a toll on my body.
been eating extremely well yet losing weight. finally today my dietitian said I gained 3/4 pound. but after a big loss that i had it's minimal.
i hate the fact i gained.
really fucking depressed right now. having a lot of issues with sex etc. i dont care for it. i hate it. i put it off as much as i can. i have never enjoyed it. i have never even had a fucking orgasm. i just do it to pelase theo ther person. i could live with out it. i'm mad at myself for not trying more with girls. im attracted to men and women but i never had sex with a girl. never went beyond making out. but every time i think about it i get butterlflies in my stomach. so i want to.
no one knows that.
my therapist knows that i dont look at people with sex in mind. like i chose my firends and people i like for who they are. i dont care whether they have a penis or vagina or neither or both. she does know that. i dont think of sex. i dont know if i have a sex drive. i dont know what an orgasm feels like. I FUCKING KNOW NOTHING AND I FEEL LIKE A GOD DAMN IMMATURE 14 year old.
I'm so frustrated and upset. I have talked abgout all this with my therapist yesterday and today. It fucking sucks. I cried when having sex with my husband hyesterday.
I hate my life right now its not fair. I'm tired of doing everything. Making myself healthy, trying to fix our relatinoship, doing everything for our relationshipo, being the person everyone runs to for help. I CANT FUCKING GTAKE IT ANYMORE.
I melted down and went out and bought a bottle of wine and sat in my car in the parking lot drinking and cutting. Not good I know. But I hurt so bad right now.
Tomorrow is a new day- maybe i'll forget all this.
Replies
i am so happy you are back and journaled your feelings. sounds like you have had a terrible time and i am so sorry. good that you told your therapist about everything. you know, i dont think its uncommon for woman to not have a big sex drive, i know that i had trouble esp. after having my children. i did it to please peter and i know he wanted more sex. i do feel guilty about that. does your hubby know about your attraction to girls? this too i think is common, more then we know, as people keep it to themselves, esp. when you are so confused, messed up and unhappy. personally steph, i think the only thing you should be working on is yourself, and to hell with everything eles. you can only do so much and YOU are what is important!! sorry that you cut, have you been doing this for awhile again? how much weight have you lost? are you close to IPagain? i am worried about you and please kow that i am here to help and support you. many hugs
Thanks Ann. I was at a loss last night and needed someone to respond- i was hoping you were going to read this. I am journaling A LOT on my own but just not on here. I just havent had the time. Yesterday and today I was off of work. This morning was horrible. I tried some things to pleasure myeslf and i just don\'t like the feeling. It\'s uncomfortable. I have so much to talk to Joanna about and I don\'t want to wait until Friday. I spent the day with Lauren which was wonderful (I have become really close to her). She is my closet firend. And last night I admitted to her that I am attracted to her. Carlos would die if I told him. He is the most homophobic person I know. he would leave so fast i\'m sure. AHHH so much going on in my life right now.
um...yes i am exactly where I was last year at this exact time. my deititian literally compared my weights from a year ago (to the exact week) and i\'m 1/4 pound difference. but i have sooo much more energy and yes (not just me saying this) look better than i did last year. and emotionally better in certain ways. no i hadn\'t cut in a few weeks. and it was just a little. this morning i regretted it.
okay phew sorry for all that. shoot me an email Ann. I want an update on you! but i probably wont be back on here much