Basic run down:
Been having a lot of uncontrollable breakdowns, but did a little better this week.
Having HORRIBLE body image issues- I want to crawl out of my skin. I can feel every minute change in my body. Where skin folds over I feel rolls of fat. It has never been this bad before.
Have gone from having a constant need to do things without stopping- always being busy crazy kind of mood to now not giving a flying fuck about anything. I just want to curl up, hide, and disappear. I don't even care about work. I don't want to go. I just don't care. And that is VERY odd for me. I'm not myself. I don't know who has come in and taken over. And if ANYONE say's ED, so help you God I will kill you.
One thing that is really hard right now is the fact that my mother told me that if I invite Blair to my wedding I might as well find a new maid of honor. Bottomline Blair and Alyssa had a bad siutation about 4-5years ago. BOth are stubborn mules about it. Blair was really bad off and doesn't even remember it (she was so out of her mind then, literally was taken into a psych ward a few days later). Basically because of this I can't invite her to the wedding even though she is my best friend right now and even that her family has helped me so much the past two years. I acan invite the parents- but not her. I can invite her brother and sister, but not her. Discussed this situation with Joanna and we figured a way for me to talk to my sister in regards to it all (not my mom).
This is what she said in a nutshell over the phone (this was yesterday), "If she does come I will be looking at her in the face with a deep glare. And I will refuse to acknowledge her, if she does not talk to me beforehand and apologize for what she did. I will especially glare if she tries to talk to you. I do love her family- they are so wonderful, except for her. I used to really like Blair until she said all that shit to me. I will always hate her guts. You need to talk to mom about it because you know she hates her too and mom doesn’t hold back her feelings. She was rude at church at Christmas. The family sat right behind her. After 5 minutes she got up and left and then came back the last 5 minutes." (she doesn't believe in God and there was an AA meeting at the church that she went to during the service...thats why her parents picked that church).
I was beside myself- in tears and uncontrollable. Then last night my sister sent me an email...here it is, "
Hey Steff,Sorry about the short convo that we had this morning but I was on my way to class and in a rush. Also, the subject we talked about is very sensitive to me and it was making me emotional. I didn't want to think about it while going to class and so I kept a blank mask so no one else could see my face. But really, there are only three people that I don't like and one of them happens to be Blair. She may not remember what she said or did to me, but I do. I remember everything perfectly. Her calling me a whore, saying I slept with Matt, telling other people I did and then THEM yelling and me. I got hurtful text messages from other people because of what she was telling them. She ruined a couple weeks of my senior year because of her immaturity and lack of intelligence. It really hurt me and it hurts even more that she doesn't remember how rude and awful she was to me at that time. I said earlier that you could have her call me but nevermind. I don't want to talk to her, I don't want to look at her, I want her to be out of my life. Time is up for an apology and I don't care for anything that she might have to say to me. I am over her and I don't want to think about her. Unfortunately, she had to come back into my life through you. I understand you didn't know at first what she did to me, but she obviously remembers something for her to bring it up when she was talking to my OWN sister. Frankly, she pisses me off and I dislike everything about her. Maybe she has changed, I don't care, she has hurt me too much.You said you care about family first but let me explain something. You told me a whole story about how her family helped you through this and that you want to invite them. THEN you say you care about my opinion. However, what it sounded to me was that, you want to invite them but don't want to feel guilty about it and so you want my approval by guilt tripping me. And it did work, but the more I thought about it the more angry I got. Ya, her whole family was supporting you and that's great. But they listened to you, it was OUR family who have to tell you the truth. And ya, the truth freakin sucks, but that's what a REAL family is. They are not your family and they will never be. I am you sister and mom is your mom, dad is your dad. I adore Mr and Mrs Mckee but the way you talk about their family feels like you want to up and ditch our family. We are your family, not them. They don't want to tell you the truth and hurt you, we want to tell you the truth so you can heal. And the way you always defend Blair, how about you just go make her your sister if she was there for you the whole time. I wish I was there for you but you never called me. Instead, you got close with this girl who hates me and therefore, I hate her back. That really hurts me and makes me so upset that to me, it feels that you love her more than I. You will probably be like, that's not true, but that's how it feels. Steffanie. She hurt me SO much and it feels as if she tries to hurt me even more when you two talk and hang out. And you know what, ya you both had problems, but do you really want someone who has problems in your life. You need people to heal you, not burden you with their own problems. I forgive Stotes, but I don't forget. What you said to her, someone who already dislikes me, hurt me. And it hurt me bad. Even to this day, it still hurts a bit of me.If she were to come, I would feel uncomfortable. Just by her sitting behind me at church, I felt as if she were glaring daggers at me for those few minutes. I felt uneasy and wanted her gone. With her at your wedding, I would feel uncomfortable and hurt, almost as if you picked her over me. Every time I would see her, I would immediately feel angry at her for what she did and how she steals you away. If she even approached you, I would be by your side in a second and try to push her away. It would be a "who can make the other feel more uncomfortable." You told me before she was not coming, and now you want her to come. I'm going to be completely honest. I do not want her there. I do not like her, I don't think she's honest, and she makes me nervous. Mr and Mrs Mckee, whatever, I love them and have no problem with them being there. But I do not want Blair there. You said family first, so please, consider my feelings and how it would feel. Like if Kristen was there, would you really feel comfortable the whole time? I don't want her to steal my sister away from me at your wedding. I want it to be you and me, not you and Blair. Overall, it's your choice, but this is how I feel. Choose to have her come or not, if she comes... if she doesn't, put all the blame on me. Say I'm an awful person, I don't care. I do not like her, I do not want to see her, I do not want to be near her.Sorry for the long email, but this is how I feel.Love,Alyssa"
Talked to joanna about it today. It all fucking sucks. It's all fucking bullshit.
I'm just a mess and I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. So much more has gone on recently but I just don't feel like remembering it all. I just want to forget about everything.
Last thing...I just sent this to Joanna. I'm a mess once again. I fucking hate my life right now. Actuallyh, it's not a life. It's fucking hell.
"Joanna,
I feel like something isn't right with me. Immediately upon checking my schedule tonight at work for next week i broke down in tears. i am working M-F (meaning it will be 15days in a row there because of the 2 shifts I picked up this week) and I am opening M-W. I am so tired and just want to sleep. I don't care about working at all. I don't want to work at all right now. I am scheduled to close on Thursday meaning I wouldn't be able to take the 7pm spot you have, which would have me coming M,Tu,W. I can't do that. I can't do three days in a row and then minus 4 days. Plus I'm going to Georgia next Sat/Sun to see my sister. I can't handle all this. Maybe I am making myself miserable, but i feel so awful. I feel sick to my stomach and i just want to disappear.
I am trying to see if Tricia can cover part of my shift on Thursday so that I can come in at 7pm but I don't know if that is going to work out. Hopefully tomorrow or by the latest Sunday I will know. I am praying so hard right now. I hope letting you know later this weekend is okay and that you don't have somebody else that wants to take that spot. I'm crossing my fingers that Thursday can work still.
There was one thing that I wanted to mention today but forgot about it. That was in regards to what we were talking about near the end of our session on Wednesday. You said that some poeople have to fight every day for the rest of their lives with their eating disorder etc. I left on Wednesday crying and fighting to hold back tears because of this. I don't want thtat to be me. I want to be free someday and have a life. I don't want to be like this forever. I don't know if there is more to talk about this subject, but I just wanted to let you know my reactions to that because you told me to think about it on Wednesday when I was leaving.
Also after leaving today I did not handle/control myself too well. I think I did a good job at controlling my emotions while in session with you after you mentioned changes in the schedule, but once I walked out I couldn't hold it in anymore. I was a basket case. I understand that things change in life and schedules have to be switched around- that's life, but at the same time I can't get myself to be okay with that. I already have been upset and anxious about how a potential new schedule for me is going to screw things up....and now this on top of that. I know you said that your goal/aim is to still do three times a week...but the days are going to change and I hate the two day weekends already right now. Let alone having to go three days. I know you said that the Friday thing is going to be gradual, but it's already taking into effect next Friday. But why? I can't get the question of why this is changing out of my head. I know it's not just affecting me, but that's how I feel. And i don't know how I am going to handle myself- I'm scared of the change. When I asked why you said because of persoanl reasons and it would free up earlier times during the week. Ah it's killing me not knowing why. I need to know- all sorts of potential reasonsing etc are swimming through my head. I left today extremely upset and had to just sit in my car and cry for a while. And whenever I go back to thinking of it I start getting all antsy and cry.
I feel like there is a lot of change going on right now and I hate it. I just want to stop everything. It's too much for me and I can't handle it all anymore. I can't. Everything is too much. I can't keep going I feel.
And I called my sister but she didn't pick up. She said she was too busy to talk today- yet she kept sending me text messages all day, but whatever. I left her a voicemail saying things that I want to say to her. She text me saying, 'thank you for the call'. End of story- that was it. No more. I guess she got what she wanted. Mom didn't say anything to me while we were together today. Nothing about it. So maybe she didn't know.
I just feel like nothing is right or fair at the moment. I'm just tired of everything.
Steff"
There you go....that's my so-called life...
Been having a lot of uncontrollable breakdowns, but did a little better this week.
Having HORRIBLE body image issues- I want to crawl out of my skin. I can feel every minute change in my body. Where skin folds over I feel rolls of fat. It has never been this bad before.
Have gone from having a constant need to do things without stopping- always being busy crazy kind of mood to now not giving a flying fuck about anything. I just want to curl up, hide, and disappear. I don't even care about work. I don't want to go. I just don't care. And that is VERY odd for me. I'm not myself. I don't know who has come in and taken over. And if ANYONE say's ED, so help you God I will kill you.
One thing that is really hard right now is the fact that my mother told me that if I invite Blair to my wedding I might as well find a new maid of honor. Bottomline Blair and Alyssa had a bad siutation about 4-5years ago. BOth are stubborn mules about it. Blair was really bad off and doesn't even remember it (she was so out of her mind then, literally was taken into a psych ward a few days later). Basically because of this I can't invite her to the wedding even though she is my best friend right now and even that her family has helped me so much the past two years. I acan invite the parents- but not her. I can invite her brother and sister, but not her. Discussed this situation with Joanna and we figured a way for me to talk to my sister in regards to it all (not my mom).
This is what she said in a nutshell over the phone (this was yesterday), "If she does come I will be looking at her in the face with a deep glare. And I will refuse to acknowledge her, if she does not talk to me beforehand and apologize for what she did. I will especially glare if she tries to talk to you. I do love her family- they are so wonderful, except for her. I used to really like Blair until she said all that shit to me. I will always hate her guts. You need to talk to mom about it because you know she hates her too and mom doesn’t hold back her feelings. She was rude at church at Christmas. The family sat right behind her. After 5 minutes she got up and left and then came back the last 5 minutes." (she doesn't believe in God and there was an AA meeting at the church that she went to during the service...thats why her parents picked that church).
I was beside myself- in tears and uncontrollable. Then last night my sister sent me an email...here it is, "
Hey Steff,Sorry about the short convo that we had this morning but I was on my way to class and in a rush. Also, the subject we talked about is very sensitive to me and it was making me emotional. I didn't want to think about it while going to class and so I kept a blank mask so no one else could see my face. But really, there are only three people that I don't like and one of them happens to be Blair. She may not remember what she said or did to me, but I do. I remember everything perfectly. Her calling me a whore, saying I slept with Matt, telling other people I did and then THEM yelling and me. I got hurtful text messages from other people because of what she was telling them. She ruined a couple weeks of my senior year because of her immaturity and lack of intelligence. It really hurt me and it hurts even more that she doesn't remember how rude and awful she was to me at that time. I said earlier that you could have her call me but nevermind. I don't want to talk to her, I don't want to look at her, I want her to be out of my life. Time is up for an apology and I don't care for anything that she might have to say to me. I am over her and I don't want to think about her. Unfortunately, she had to come back into my life through you. I understand you didn't know at first what she did to me, but she obviously remembers something for her to bring it up when she was talking to my OWN sister. Frankly, she pisses me off and I dislike everything about her. Maybe she has changed, I don't care, she has hurt me too much.You said you care about family first but let me explain something. You told me a whole story about how her family helped you through this and that you want to invite them. THEN you say you care about my opinion. However, what it sounded to me was that, you want to invite them but don't want to feel guilty about it and so you want my approval by guilt tripping me. And it did work, but the more I thought about it the more angry I got. Ya, her whole family was supporting you and that's great. But they listened to you, it was OUR family who have to tell you the truth. And ya, the truth freakin sucks, but that's what a REAL family is. They are not your family and they will never be. I am you sister and mom is your mom, dad is your dad. I adore Mr and Mrs Mckee but the way you talk about their family feels like you want to up and ditch our family. We are your family, not them. They don't want to tell you the truth and hurt you, we want to tell you the truth so you can heal. And the way you always defend Blair, how about you just go make her your sister if she was there for you the whole time. I wish I was there for you but you never called me. Instead, you got close with this girl who hates me and therefore, I hate her back. That really hurts me and makes me so upset that to me, it feels that you love her more than I. You will probably be like, that's not true, but that's how it feels. Steffanie. She hurt me SO much and it feels as if she tries to hurt me even more when you two talk and hang out. And you know what, ya you both had problems, but do you really want someone who has problems in your life. You need people to heal you, not burden you with their own problems. I forgive Stotes, but I don't forget. What you said to her, someone who already dislikes me, hurt me. And it hurt me bad. Even to this day, it still hurts a bit of me.If she were to come, I would feel uncomfortable. Just by her sitting behind me at church, I felt as if she were glaring daggers at me for those few minutes. I felt uneasy and wanted her gone. With her at your wedding, I would feel uncomfortable and hurt, almost as if you picked her over me. Every time I would see her, I would immediately feel angry at her for what she did and how she steals you away. If she even approached you, I would be by your side in a second and try to push her away. It would be a "who can make the other feel more uncomfortable." You told me before she was not coming, and now you want her to come. I'm going to be completely honest. I do not want her there. I do not like her, I don't think she's honest, and she makes me nervous. Mr and Mrs Mckee, whatever, I love them and have no problem with them being there. But I do not want Blair there. You said family first, so please, consider my feelings and how it would feel. Like if Kristen was there, would you really feel comfortable the whole time? I don't want her to steal my sister away from me at your wedding. I want it to be you and me, not you and Blair. Overall, it's your choice, but this is how I feel. Choose to have her come or not, if she comes... if she doesn't, put all the blame on me. Say I'm an awful person, I don't care. I do not like her, I do not want to see her, I do not want to be near her.Sorry for the long email, but this is how I feel.Love,Alyssa"
Talked to joanna about it today. It all fucking sucks. It's all fucking bullshit.
I'm just a mess and I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. So much more has gone on recently but I just don't feel like remembering it all. I just want to forget about everything.
Last thing...I just sent this to Joanna. I'm a mess once again. I fucking hate my life right now. Actuallyh, it's not a life. It's fucking hell.
"Joanna,
I feel like something isn't right with me. Immediately upon checking my schedule tonight at work for next week i broke down in tears. i am working M-F (meaning it will be 15days in a row there because of the 2 shifts I picked up this week) and I am opening M-W. I am so tired and just want to sleep. I don't care about working at all. I don't want to work at all right now. I am scheduled to close on Thursday meaning I wouldn't be able to take the 7pm spot you have, which would have me coming M,Tu,W. I can't do that. I can't do three days in a row and then minus 4 days. Plus I'm going to Georgia next Sat/Sun to see my sister. I can't handle all this. Maybe I am making myself miserable, but i feel so awful. I feel sick to my stomach and i just want to disappear.
I am trying to see if Tricia can cover part of my shift on Thursday so that I can come in at 7pm but I don't know if that is going to work out. Hopefully tomorrow or by the latest Sunday I will know. I am praying so hard right now. I hope letting you know later this weekend is okay and that you don't have somebody else that wants to take that spot. I'm crossing my fingers that Thursday can work still.
There was one thing that I wanted to mention today but forgot about it. That was in regards to what we were talking about near the end of our session on Wednesday. You said that some poeople have to fight every day for the rest of their lives with their eating disorder etc. I left on Wednesday crying and fighting to hold back tears because of this. I don't want thtat to be me. I want to be free someday and have a life. I don't want to be like this forever. I don't know if there is more to talk about this subject, but I just wanted to let you know my reactions to that because you told me to think about it on Wednesday when I was leaving.
Also after leaving today I did not handle/control myself too well. I think I did a good job at controlling my emotions while in session with you after you mentioned changes in the schedule, but once I walked out I couldn't hold it in anymore. I was a basket case. I understand that things change in life and schedules have to be switched around- that's life, but at the same time I can't get myself to be okay with that. I already have been upset and anxious about how a potential new schedule for me is going to screw things up....and now this on top of that. I know you said that your goal/aim is to still do three times a week...but the days are going to change and I hate the two day weekends already right now. Let alone having to go three days. I know you said that the Friday thing is going to be gradual, but it's already taking into effect next Friday. But why? I can't get the question of why this is changing out of my head. I know it's not just affecting me, but that's how I feel. And i don't know how I am going to handle myself- I'm scared of the change. When I asked why you said because of persoanl reasons and it would free up earlier times during the week. Ah it's killing me not knowing why. I need to know- all sorts of potential reasonsing etc are swimming through my head. I left today extremely upset and had to just sit in my car and cry for a while. And whenever I go back to thinking of it I start getting all antsy and cry.
I feel like there is a lot of change going on right now and I hate it. I just want to stop everything. It's too much for me and I can't handle it all anymore. I can't. Everything is too much. I can't keep going I feel.
And I called my sister but she didn't pick up. She said she was too busy to talk today- yet she kept sending me text messages all day, but whatever. I left her a voicemail saying things that I want to say to her. She text me saying, 'thank you for the call'. End of story- that was it. No more. I guess she got what she wanted. Mom didn't say anything to me while we were together today. Nothing about it. So maybe she didn't know.
I just feel like nothing is right or fair at the moment. I'm just tired of everything.
Steff"
There you go....that's my so-called life...
Replies
It\'s depression who came in and took everything out of you. Ed just fuels that.
Ok just read your sister\'s crap and to make it short it\'s your wedding you decide who comes and who doesn\'t so Blair should come. You sister needs to get over herself and grow up and stop judging people. If you would ditch your family I wouldn\'t blame you. That excludes your dad.
I hope you can arrange something at work so you don\'t have to work so much. You sound overwhelmed and exhausted. Probably malnutrition - just saying.
Yes ed will always be there but I\'m only in recovery for 7 months and can honestly say that my life is so much better and happier and if it would stay like this I would be fine.
You will have to accept your new sessions. I don\'t know anybody who sees their therapist 3 times a week and is welcome to constantly e-mail. So you are extremely lucky to have Joanna whenever SHE has time.
you sound like your getting deeply depressed and all these issues then become overwhelmng and you cant do or answer any of them. you sister is an ass, invite blair, she is your friend, its your wedding. your sister has a major problem wanting everyone to do her bidding by making you feel guilty, uh wrong! you have no choice but to accept the new sessions. you are lucky that joanne lets you email her and she back, i have never heard of that before her. eventually things will work out, in the meantime please call your doctor and get asseced for depression.