Back!
Finally back! Thank goodness! I am so happy to be home again! Most poeple don't like coming back from vacattions because they ahve to go back to their normal routine and work, etc. I am so excited to be back. I didn't really have a vacation- it was all really hard on me.
Last Tuesday (Dec 27) Carlos, Penny, and I started our journey down to Florida. I saw Jill at 10am, and then we hit the road. To start off, according to Jill I lost 2 pounds. Fuck. I didn't think that there was ANY possibility that I could of lost weight with all I felt I ate over Christmas. Bleh.
So we traveled. Stayed overnight at a hotel on our route per Oma's request. Arrived in Ocala, FL the next morning and spent Wed, Thur, and Fri morning at Oma & Opa's. It was wonderful seeing them. Just like always, when I see them it feels like everything left off just where we left it the last time we saw each other. Nothing changed. While with them I tried to focus on the little things around me. Their company, the fresh air outside, the quietness outside, the wind, sun, etc. Though it didn't really help. While there it seemed like everything revolved around food. Actually, I take that back- the entire fucking vacation revolved around food. At Oma & Opa's it felt like every hour I was eating a different meal- I ate soo much it was ridiculous. There was not a single second that I felt ANY hunger at all my entire trip in Florida.
The only thing that was frustrating is that Oma does everything for Opa and everything in the house- so Carlos says that's how it's supposed to be in our house. I can't tell if he is joking or not, but we are not in that era and I am not about to wait on anyone 24/7. They haven't mentioned much of anything rg my weight/size/eating. Probably because I look healthier than last fall when they saw me, as well as from pictures from the cruise this summer. So that's good. Oma mentioned me quitting coaching which brought my mind to what mike said which makes me really upset. Thursday Carlos and I went to play tennis which I used to be pretty good at. I sucked- it was pathetic. I got so frustrated and upset. I don't feel like there are any sports I'm good at- I need to find something to be good at and coxing doesn't count. I was starting to get my groove back with tennis in the end, but was tired because I am so out of shape. It was a sad sight. Lastly I looked through some photo albums and I looked so happy and cute as a little girl. It made me smile. There was one picture (7 yrs old) where my Oma and Opa got me a new gymnastics outfit- I was sucking my stomach in because I felt my stomach was big. That made me remember more times where I consciously tried covering myself up. But why. What made me so self conscious to begin with. Then I saw pictures of that time in Germany when I got home and my mom said I was fat and needed to lose weight- I was. Lastly I saw some pictures from last Christmas and I think my face was chubby. I really feel like I have some messed up thoughts and views of myself. I want to be happy with what I see, not have to hide.......will make another post that includes what went on once we met up with my family in orlando....
Last Tuesday (Dec 27) Carlos, Penny, and I started our journey down to Florida. I saw Jill at 10am, and then we hit the road. To start off, according to Jill I lost 2 pounds. Fuck. I didn't think that there was ANY possibility that I could of lost weight with all I felt I ate over Christmas. Bleh.
So we traveled. Stayed overnight at a hotel on our route per Oma's request. Arrived in Ocala, FL the next morning and spent Wed, Thur, and Fri morning at Oma & Opa's. It was wonderful seeing them. Just like always, when I see them it feels like everything left off just where we left it the last time we saw each other. Nothing changed. While with them I tried to focus on the little things around me. Their company, the fresh air outside, the quietness outside, the wind, sun, etc. Though it didn't really help. While there it seemed like everything revolved around food. Actually, I take that back- the entire fucking vacation revolved around food. At Oma & Opa's it felt like every hour I was eating a different meal- I ate soo much it was ridiculous. There was not a single second that I felt ANY hunger at all my entire trip in Florida.
The only thing that was frustrating is that Oma does everything for Opa and everything in the house- so Carlos says that's how it's supposed to be in our house. I can't tell if he is joking or not, but we are not in that era and I am not about to wait on anyone 24/7. They haven't mentioned much of anything rg my weight/size/eating. Probably because I look healthier than last fall when they saw me, as well as from pictures from the cruise this summer. So that's good. Oma mentioned me quitting coaching which brought my mind to what mike said which makes me really upset. Thursday Carlos and I went to play tennis which I used to be pretty good at. I sucked- it was pathetic. I got so frustrated and upset. I don't feel like there are any sports I'm good at- I need to find something to be good at and coxing doesn't count. I was starting to get my groove back with tennis in the end, but was tired because I am so out of shape. It was a sad sight. Lastly I looked through some photo albums and I looked so happy and cute as a little girl. It made me smile. There was one picture (7 yrs old) where my Oma and Opa got me a new gymnastics outfit- I was sucking my stomach in because I felt my stomach was big. That made me remember more times where I consciously tried covering myself up. But why. What made me so self conscious to begin with. Then I saw pictures of that time in Germany when I got home and my mom said I was fat and needed to lose weight- I was. Lastly I saw some pictures from last Christmas and I think my face was chubby. I really feel like I have some messed up thoughts and views of myself. I want to be happy with what I see, not have to hide.......will make another post that includes what went on once we met up with my family in orlando....
Replies
I like coming home from vacations all the time, even when they were wonderful. I just get homesick.
Carlos is either a great comedian or he needs a big wake up call. I wish you could look at old pictures and remember things that went on then instead of being so critical of yourself. But with the messages you got fed as a little girl I guess that is hard to do.
i also like getting home, though havent had many vacations away lately except for my summer nia camp. carlos whether joking or serious, what hhe said isnt funny, it is degrading and insulting. first you thought how cute you looked, then remebered and saw yourself sucking in your stomach. it is sad that so many messages where sent to you that at age 6 you were already self conscious of your body. im sorry. grandparents always like to feed feeed, esp. german ones, lol. i hope you still had a good time regardless of the food and thoughts, which are so hard to get rid of. many hugss and welcome back!