I ate 100% exchanges + 1 extra yesterday. Take that Joanna! Proved you wrong!
Today I missed only 1 starch. I cannot physically put anything else inside of me today.
I felt disgustingly large today when I woke up. Still full from last night. Took me a long time to finish all my breakfast but I did.
Crazy morning at work- did not even get a break and stayed 20min past my shift. but hey, I love it when it's crazy! Keeps me busy. I actually hate taking breaks, because I feel like there is so much to do and a break is just wasting my time. Damn laws.
Was late getting to Jill because leaving work late, pushed my dogs walks back. Basically played the domino effect for my whole day.
Saw Jill which was hard. I tried so hard not to cry. I explained everything from the past two weeks. How I feel the only reason I did well yesterday and today (plus a few days in between) was because of needing to prove someone wrong. Aka no one tells me I can not do something. I told her I don't have any drive, nothing pushing me to make me meet all my exchanges and gain weight. I explained the whole working as a team thing (joanna, Jill, me) and how i need to do my share etc. Everything I explained.
She also wrote the response to my mother's email to her while I was there as well. At the end of it she put that i was in range today. WTF? How was that possible.
When she read the email out loud to me and got to that sentence, i got silent. I had to fight all the tears in my body. How could that be possible? She asked me a lot of questions in regards to how much I ate today, how many fluids, when I peed, etc. I am assuming she was asking that to take everything into account- maybe it was odd for her as well? I mean Saturday I weighed myself at 104.3. The day I saw Jill the week prior, on my scale it was 106.1...so I know it's not good that I lost almost 2 pounds in 9 days. I have not weighed myself at home since Saturday because I have been way to scared. Jill's scale always weighs me about 2-3 pounds higher than mine (due to time of day/intake/clothing). This has been consistent for the past year or so when comparing weights on our scales. Bottomline, today she said I was in range (110-115). That means that (including the +2-3 pounds) I gained at least 4 pounds since Saturday...WTF? That seems really odd. I was so confused, sad and upset. That was no where near any of the outcomes that I had predicted.
I also told Jill about the hwole not trying hard enough stuff from yesterday with Joanna. Jill told me to look at it as not eating enough instead. She said I am trying and seh can tell that by my food records and our meetings- in addition to other things outside from eating. Our session ended up being 1 hour verses 30min, but I needed it.
I am just so much more terrified now because I swaw what I gained- granted jill thinks it has a lot to do with fluids, it really bothers me. Tonight when I got home I sent this email to her...
"Thank you for everything you said and did today.
Afterwards I had to go grocery shopping and realized something else that could equate to not telling you everything. Since probably the second grocery trip I made after leaving dominion, I starting purchasing the light or nonfat items and scrutinize all nutrition labels that I do not already know. That goes for yogurt, milk, dressing, and probably other things. I just can't imagine not doing that and not knowing what is in the food I am consuming. I didn't think it was a problem though.
But what I do think is not right is the fact that when I went to my parents last Tuesday for dinner I looked at the packaging of the ravioli box that was in the trash- not for the calories but to know what the serving size was and how many there were so I could portion it out.
Sorry for writing this- but now things that go against what the scale says are bothering me. Next week can you add up the exchanges from a day and see if it matches my total at the bottom? I'm sorry for writing you, I feel like such a mess right now."
Her response comforted me a little bit for some reason. "
I'm sorry this stuff is so distressing for you. Yes, of course I can check the exchanges next time. Please follow the rules you learned at Dominion. They are key to your success and recovery"
But since I have not been E`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````(THAT WAS CURTESOY OF PENNY).
since I have been eating the lowfat/light stuff for practically 3 months now, if I were to go back to the things I learned from Dominion I would gain a wicked amount way too fast. If I am gaining from what I am doing now, then I will really gain if I find out that I might be doing anything wrong (aka coutning wrong).
Lastly, she reiterated that my range (110-115) is still too low for her comfort. She see's me closer to 120. FUCK THAT BULLSHIT. I can not go to that number- she said she does not see that anywhere close in my future as a goal- but in the long run that's what she believes is right for me. No way. Nope. I can't even be okay with 110. I'm short- I am technically healthy where I am right now. And my sister is the same stature as me and 115....NO NEED to be heavier. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. But I did not express that to Jill.
Today I missed only 1 starch. I cannot physically put anything else inside of me today.
I felt disgustingly large today when I woke up. Still full from last night. Took me a long time to finish all my breakfast but I did.
Crazy morning at work- did not even get a break and stayed 20min past my shift. but hey, I love it when it's crazy! Keeps me busy. I actually hate taking breaks, because I feel like there is so much to do and a break is just wasting my time. Damn laws.
Was late getting to Jill because leaving work late, pushed my dogs walks back. Basically played the domino effect for my whole day.
Saw Jill which was hard. I tried so hard not to cry. I explained everything from the past two weeks. How I feel the only reason I did well yesterday and today (plus a few days in between) was because of needing to prove someone wrong. Aka no one tells me I can not do something. I told her I don't have any drive, nothing pushing me to make me meet all my exchanges and gain weight. I explained the whole working as a team thing (joanna, Jill, me) and how i need to do my share etc. Everything I explained.
She also wrote the response to my mother's email to her while I was there as well. At the end of it she put that i was in range today. WTF? How was that possible.
When she read the email out loud to me and got to that sentence, i got silent. I had to fight all the tears in my body. How could that be possible? She asked me a lot of questions in regards to how much I ate today, how many fluids, when I peed, etc. I am assuming she was asking that to take everything into account- maybe it was odd for her as well? I mean Saturday I weighed myself at 104.3. The day I saw Jill the week prior, on my scale it was 106.1...so I know it's not good that I lost almost 2 pounds in 9 days. I have not weighed myself at home since Saturday because I have been way to scared. Jill's scale always weighs me about 2-3 pounds higher than mine (due to time of day/intake/clothing). This has been consistent for the past year or so when comparing weights on our scales. Bottomline, today she said I was in range (110-115). That means that (including the +2-3 pounds) I gained at least 4 pounds since Saturday...WTF? That seems really odd. I was so confused, sad and upset. That was no where near any of the outcomes that I had predicted.
I also told Jill about the hwole not trying hard enough stuff from yesterday with Joanna. Jill told me to look at it as not eating enough instead. She said I am trying and seh can tell that by my food records and our meetings- in addition to other things outside from eating. Our session ended up being 1 hour verses 30min, but I needed it.
I am just so much more terrified now because I swaw what I gained- granted jill thinks it has a lot to do with fluids, it really bothers me. Tonight when I got home I sent this email to her...
"Thank you for everything you said and did today.
Afterwards I had to go grocery shopping and realized something else that could equate to not telling you everything. Since probably the second grocery trip I made after leaving dominion, I starting purchasing the light or nonfat items and scrutinize all nutrition labels that I do not already know. That goes for yogurt, milk, dressing, and probably other things. I just can't imagine not doing that and not knowing what is in the food I am consuming. I didn't think it was a problem though.
But what I do think is not right is the fact that when I went to my parents last Tuesday for dinner I looked at the packaging of the ravioli box that was in the trash- not for the calories but to know what the serving size was and how many there were so I could portion it out.
Sorry for writing this- but now things that go against what the scale says are bothering me. Next week can you add up the exchanges from a day and see if it matches my total at the bottom? I'm sorry for writing you, I feel like such a mess right now."
Her response comforted me a little bit for some reason. "
I'm sorry this stuff is so distressing for you. Yes, of course I can check the exchanges next time. Please follow the rules you learned at Dominion. They are key to your success and recovery"
But since I have not been E`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````(THAT WAS CURTESOY OF PENNY).
since I have been eating the lowfat/light stuff for practically 3 months now, if I were to go back to the things I learned from Dominion I would gain a wicked amount way too fast. If I am gaining from what I am doing now, then I will really gain if I find out that I might be doing anything wrong (aka coutning wrong).
Lastly, she reiterated that my range (110-115) is still too low for her comfort. She see's me closer to 120. FUCK THAT BULLSHIT. I can not go to that number- she said she does not see that anywhere close in my future as a goal- but in the long run that's what she believes is right for me. No way. Nope. I can't even be okay with 110. I'm short- I am technically healthy where I am right now. And my sister is the same stature as me and 115....NO NEED to be heavier. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. But I did not express that to Jill.
Replies
as i have been told it gets to be not so much the weight but the thoughts and behaviors that prevent us from getting to full recovery. my clinincal doctor, 6 months ago, i see her every 3 months, told me i was in normal range and that flipped me out. unfortunately i let ed back in and i am now in a problem. please keeep ed at bay, you want to continue being strong, she is not saying that is your goal in 6 months, it was said a a long time away situation. good she will go over your exchanges. hugss
Great job on the eating but don\'t do it to show Joanna, do it for your recovery and strength.
Wow the scale really has you chained up, doesn\'t it. Read that part of your journal and it just sound like a crazy whirlwind of numbers and what could have caused it. I wish Jill didn\'t tell you anything but on the other hand you need to learn to accept to be in range. I have been in range since IP and I\'m used to it by now. I actually start to panic when I go a little below and increase something - anything than to be put on ensure again.
And why the fuck does your mother need an email from Jill. This just pisses me off. It\'s none of her damn business.
I do the label and calorie and serving thing too. It just gives me peace knowing that stuff. Heck they can\'t expect us to get rid of all our habits at once. I can\'t buy light because Dwayne is like a hawk and throws it out, so I\'m stuck with the full fat stuff, but I even gotten used to that. My range is 120 -125 at 5\'9\" but my nutritionist wants me at 130. Yeah not gonna happen anytime soon. But do your best to stay in the range you can handle. You have to give in a little bit.
just wait for today\'s post Karin.
I\'m glad to know that you read the labels and such too- I feel like I should be beyond that phase but It\'s comforting to know that I\'m not the only one.