Sunday I felt like poop. I was sick all weekend and Sunday night I randomly cried in the shower. I at that moment started contemplating to weigh myself or not the next morning.
Monday morning I was dead to the world. So tired. I didn't sleep at all on Sunday night- I forgot to pick up my Trazadone and so I didn't have any to take. I just wanted to stay in bed all day yesterday.
Yesterday I became very overwhelmed, anxious, nervous, and scared about wedding stuff. the DJ has emailed me twice about setting up a time and place to meet. I just want to tell him to calm the fuck down. I said i would contact him when i figured somethings out. i dont know when the hell i will be able to meet. he is available 2-8p M-Th, but he is up near baltimore- pain in the ass to drive. I have practice in the afternoons now so i cant get up there before or after- plus its in rushhousr. and wednesday's carlos' works and i have therapy. ahhhh.
When i left joanna's yesterday i walked out and started crying, though I still do not know why. We left on saying that it is understandable why my eatinghas gone downhill but at the same time its noa good excuse. but its not like i am saying, okay i am mad/upset and want help that i'm not getting so i'm going to eat less. she said she knows/understands that but that i need to try extra hard to eat everything in times like this.
Yesterday in particular i was feeling very gross and large. I felt that my oegs and ass looked much bigger an i hated it. I desperately wanted and still want to weigh myself, but am also too scared.
when i left joanna's, lauren (the girl that i was at Reflections with that see's Joanna as well) was waiting for her appointment with her. that did not sit well with me. I did not have a problem with it the past 3 weeks but this week i did. Now that i think about it, both her and another family were there in the waiting room today, and both are usually there on wednesday's....never monday's. maybe the change in schedule freaked me out? I just wanted to disappear when I left joanna's- i'm still not sure why i did. i was so sad.
Yesterday morning I received a text from a lady (in her 40's) that I went to Sheppard Pratt with last year. Almost a year ago.....a year ago on Nov 22nd that I checked in there. Anyways she text me saying she was struggling and needed support. So i did all that i could. Now the last time we talked might of been last January. she wasn't making a lot of sense when she texted me, but after putting two and two together i deteremined that something with her relationship with her husband was unsettling for her so the previous night she drank and cut. She never cut before she said. I helped her but then all of a sudeen did not get anymore responses from her. Oh and one of the responses that i did get was a text picture- luckily i dont get media on my phone so i could not view the picture.....she had sent me a picture of her cut without my consent. s7o i had no idea what happened to her. i was very concnerned. later that evening i sent her another msg seeign if she was okay and finally got a response saying ya. thats it. nothing else. this happened last week with someone else as well. and my sister was very rude and not paying attention on the phone today earlier as well. its like everyone calls or has questions or what not and then gone. its so frustrating.
i talked to blair about this and she helped me unerstand thigns better. i have done this to people, people have done it to others- i'm sure we have all done it. we ask for help, then get scared and shut down. but why so many people at once to me!?
Saw jill today. I lost. i was happy because i lost obviously, but i was also so scared because i am terrified to gain weight...this is what i wrote immediately once i got in my car...
I don't know what to do. I don't want to go home. I am scared of Carlos. Jill said I lost weight. Carlos text me after and asked me how it went. I told him. He said "well she better have put you on boost again". I said no. He said to me that this was unacceptable. That word hurts me so much.I told him how it made me feel and he just shot back with other questions. He said he is going to be the food police again. That makes me want to rebel even more. He said "you will meet every single exchange starting today no matter what". Then he said "how do you think I feel when I know you are losing weight? How do you think I feel when yhe person I love yhr most is hurting herself?"I cried. I wanted to call Jill or Joanna immediately. I finally got a golf of Blair.Carlos now says that I need to cut back on my hoursat work. He thinks that's what's going. On. I asked him to come in to a session he said no yhat won't help you gain weight so there is no pony.Eventually when I calmed down I called him things are okay. He just said "you better gain weight". The words he uses are so demanding and make me upsetI'm scare to gain weight. I had mixed feelings when I left Jill. I was happy I lost but I also was scared and upset because I knew that I have to gain.
Monday morning I was dead to the world. So tired. I didn't sleep at all on Sunday night- I forgot to pick up my Trazadone and so I didn't have any to take. I just wanted to stay in bed all day yesterday.
Yesterday I became very overwhelmed, anxious, nervous, and scared about wedding stuff. the DJ has emailed me twice about setting up a time and place to meet. I just want to tell him to calm the fuck down. I said i would contact him when i figured somethings out. i dont know when the hell i will be able to meet. he is available 2-8p M-Th, but he is up near baltimore- pain in the ass to drive. I have practice in the afternoons now so i cant get up there before or after- plus its in rushhousr. and wednesday's carlos' works and i have therapy. ahhhh.
When i left joanna's yesterday i walked out and started crying, though I still do not know why. We left on saying that it is understandable why my eatinghas gone downhill but at the same time its noa good excuse. but its not like i am saying, okay i am mad/upset and want help that i'm not getting so i'm going to eat less. she said she knows/understands that but that i need to try extra hard to eat everything in times like this.
Yesterday in particular i was feeling very gross and large. I felt that my oegs and ass looked much bigger an i hated it. I desperately wanted and still want to weigh myself, but am also too scared.
when i left joanna's, lauren (the girl that i was at Reflections with that see's Joanna as well) was waiting for her appointment with her. that did not sit well with me. I did not have a problem with it the past 3 weeks but this week i did. Now that i think about it, both her and another family were there in the waiting room today, and both are usually there on wednesday's....never monday's. maybe the change in schedule freaked me out? I just wanted to disappear when I left joanna's- i'm still not sure why i did. i was so sad.
Yesterday morning I received a text from a lady (in her 40's) that I went to Sheppard Pratt with last year. Almost a year ago.....a year ago on Nov 22nd that I checked in there. Anyways she text me saying she was struggling and needed support. So i did all that i could. Now the last time we talked might of been last January. she wasn't making a lot of sense when she texted me, but after putting two and two together i deteremined that something with her relationship with her husband was unsettling for her so the previous night she drank and cut. She never cut before she said. I helped her but then all of a sudeen did not get anymore responses from her. Oh and one of the responses that i did get was a text picture- luckily i dont get media on my phone so i could not view the picture.....she had sent me a picture of her cut without my consent. s7o i had no idea what happened to her. i was very concnerned. later that evening i sent her another msg seeign if she was okay and finally got a response saying ya. thats it. nothing else. this happened last week with someone else as well. and my sister was very rude and not paying attention on the phone today earlier as well. its like everyone calls or has questions or what not and then gone. its so frustrating.
i talked to blair about this and she helped me unerstand thigns better. i have done this to people, people have done it to others- i'm sure we have all done it. we ask for help, then get scared and shut down. but why so many people at once to me!?
Saw jill today. I lost. i was happy because i lost obviously, but i was also so scared because i am terrified to gain weight...this is what i wrote immediately once i got in my car...
I don't know what to do. I don't want to go home. I am scared of Carlos. Jill said I lost weight. Carlos text me after and asked me how it went. I told him. He said "well she better have put you on boost again". I said no. He said to me that this was unacceptable. That word hurts me so much.I told him how it made me feel and he just shot back with other questions. He said he is going to be the food police again. That makes me want to rebel even more. He said "you will meet every single exchange starting today no matter what". Then he said "how do you think I feel when I know you are losing weight? How do you think I feel when yhe person I love yhr most is hurting herself?"I cried. I wanted to call Jill or Joanna immediately. I finally got a golf of Blair.Carlos now says that I need to cut back on my hoursat work. He thinks that's what's going. On. I asked him to come in to a session he said no yhat won't help you gain weight so there is no pony.Eventually when I calmed down I called him things are okay. He just said "you better gain weight". The words he uses are so demanding and make me upsetI'm scare to gain weight. I had mixed feelings when I left Jill. I was happy I lost but I also was scared and upset because I knew that I have to gain.
Replies
so many mixed feelings, and emotions. the people in the wairing room were probaly rescheduled to fit in when joanne is out. the crying has been going on for a bit now, what may have triggered this again, loss of contrl, fear? carlos didnt go about it right, but he is so worrried about you and does not want to see you slip any further, and end back ip. maybe all the work and physical aspect has something to do with it, esp if you are restrcting some. you really need to eat some more, i know, not easy. remember it is ED telling your you are gross, you are by far NOT. hugs...
Sorry you were sick over the weekend. Sounds rough. Did you get your flu shot yet by the way?
You know the more I watch wedding shows and hear people about planning theirs the happier I am I never had one and we just got married in townhall. It seems to be nothing but stress and drama for one day in your life. True it will probably be your most memorable day (besides the birth of your kids) but still is it really worth it. And of course all that money - craziness.
Joanna is right. You really need to make an effort to get back to your meal plan. I don\'t know about the weighing. Everybody says it\'s the worst thing you can do but I still do it every morning and it gives me peace of mind that I can eat \'normal\' and not gain. I have a 3 pound range for myself, but like I said that might not be a good idea for everyone.
I seriously don\'t understand why you are upset about lauren being there. Are you jealous that she is seeing Joanna?
I don\'t think former patient should lean on each other for help. We were discouraged to even have any contact with anybody after treatment and I only am fb friends with ones who in recovery. That woman definitely overstepped her boundaries by worrying you and sending you that picture. I wish you would cut off contact with her. She needs to get help from her therapist not from you who is struggling herself.
Boy Carlos has some learning to do and that\'s not going to happen if he doesn\'t go to a session with you. I understand that he is hurting too and worried but he needs to express that in a totally different way. Good luck with that one.
Don\'t believe in flu shots. Never helped me.
I don\'t understand why seeing her upsets me either. I assumed it was because I was jealous....but the previous 3x I didnt have a problem. She was there again on wednesday and I ran out crying as well.
Disregarding that....i dont feel i have cried this much before ever in joanna\'s office. its been constant recently my crying- prior to the past month i think i have cried 2x.
I had cut off contact with her...hence how random it was. but i vowed to myself to not respond to her or others who i have been in treatment with. there is one girl i do talk with who has been doing wonderfully (truly impressive to me) and another one who was my lil sister at dominion.....we never talk about our issues though- they are normal conversations which i love!
thanks rg carlos lol