After seeing Joanna.
I am so frustrated and upset. I feel like I am not allowed to feel miserable and poor, that I should hide these feelings and emotions. Is it not possible that I could feel this way not just because I want someone to hold me and tell me its okay? Didn’t Carlos do that last night? Yes he did and it did not help. I thought I tried today in therapy. I had no idea what to say going in because nothing came to my head. I wanted to avoid what happened today. So I read stuff- nothing. I had hoped that something would have sparked one of our minds. I just feel stupid now to have done that. I just want fucking god damn suggestions.
I didn’t feel like it was something so bad for me to ask for ideas for thanksgiving. Yes I am mad at Joanna for leaving, yes I am afraid it is going to make my week ruined…but I also feel like it should be okay to say I want help. I feel like Joanna has just sat there and watched me cry all week. It bothers me but I know I’m not going to be able to make her change her actions- she’s not going to caress me. I can hope all that I want; I’m just wasting time and energy.
I feel like its wrong of me to get upset. All I can think of to do to make myself feel better is to do something fun. Or preoccupy myself with other things…aka work more. I’m going to do that tomorrow and see if it helps. I am going to see if I can work longer than 6-10a. Then I picked up 3 dog walks. Supposed to meet Blair even though I really don’t want to. Then a board meeting which I am dreading and want to cancel.
Same with Thanksgiving week. All I can think of to make my mind occupied is too busy up my schedule. Take on more hours at petsmart. More clients for dog walking/cat sitting. Winter training. Make many meet ups with friends even if I don’t want to. Hang out with max and Karen. Hike. Bike.
“I feel like I am alone. That no one cares. If I say I’m upset etc. I am told to suck it up and deal with it on my own.”
I feel like no one cares about me. That I don’t matter. That I have been forgotten. That no one notices me unless I am doing poorly. Maybe that’s why I have made myself miserable? I want someone to notice me. I feel as though I am overlooked and no one pays attention to me.
I still feel very hurt that Reflections has called other people I know who left but not once called me. It hurts me a lot. Tuesday night I felt forgotten by Mike too. Mike sent an email to the presidents, Ashley and I saying how much he supports hiring Matt as novice women's coach etc., when last week he said he thought that this other candidate was a better option. He basically took every word of positivity that I said to mike about Matt and wrote it in this new email. Could he put his nose any farther up everyone's ass?
Then tonight the coaches had an online meeting; g-chat conference thing. Ash, Mike and I. Started off great...and then I got real pissed. I now have to change my practice plan because they are idiots and didn’t plan in advance. Mother fuckers. G-Chat convo important notes attached.
I do agree, I probably am making myself miserable because Joanna is leaving thanksgiving week. I am probably trying to show her, “look at what happens when you leave. Trying to make her feel bad about leaving. Make her feel guilty about leaving me a mess. But why? I need to stop this shit. It’s not fair to her- or others. It’s not right. It’s fucked up and mean. I am going to try to talk these things out first. This is an example of me making someone feel bad with my actions and not words. I do think I am much better at doing things that way than using my words. I am much better at giving facial expressions as well. But why? That’s what children do. It seems as though a lot of things I do are how a child behaves. Shouldn’t I have grown out of that? Its sad being an adult and acting like I am 2 years old. I want to change that. Did I never grow out of that stage? Or does that mean I skipped it and am now doing it? Or what?
When seeing dijana, kimmie, and Megan Saturday night I felt horrible. I didn’t remember a lot of the memories they talked about, mainly because I didn’t partake in many of them. I was sheltered and isolated. Crew, my eating disorder, and family all affected that. Plus my fear of disobeying my parents. I couldn’t do anything wrong. I had to spend all my time studying, church, crew, family and then my eating disorder. I think I then tried to make up for it in college, but i don’t feel as though I succeeded fully. But that would make sense if I were trying to act upon my teenage years….but I’m not. I’ve just come to the fact that those are kissed goodbye. I hate thinking about high school in general.
While driving home Carlos asked me to go over a paper he wrote. I can’t do this anymore. I am tired of it. I feel like I have helped him so much with papers. Writing them, editing them, rewording, doing his whole nutrition project. Helping him finish things so he doesn’t fail. I am in overload. I can’t do it anymore. But I have to. I can’t say no to him. I feel trapped. Fuck.
I feel like I am at my breaking point. I can’t do everything I need to do, but I have to and if I don’t then I am being lazy. I am exhausted and drained with everything. Petsmart, dog walking, wedding stuff, finances, crew, and life in general. And coaching hasn’t even started. My anxiety feels like it is rising by the day. I have so much I have to do- especially after talking to the lady who has helped me at Celebrations. I need to get photographer, DJ, hotel etc. reserved and booked by the first of the year. I have no idea how people can get all this done. This is all just too much.
I have no idea what my weight is but I feel like I lost weight and I like the way i look. I like what I see. If I didn't lose weight and I like what I saw I will probably be mad at myself for being able to like myself at this weight. I feel like I can see my bones a little more. I'm mad that I don't know gar my weight did at Jill's. If it is up or the same then eating less clearly didn't matter but if it lowered then eating less did something.
And the holidays are coming up too fast. Oma’s birthday soon. Then moms. AHHHH
I am so frustrated and upset. I feel like I am not allowed to feel miserable and poor, that I should hide these feelings and emotions. Is it not possible that I could feel this way not just because I want someone to hold me and tell me its okay? Didn’t Carlos do that last night? Yes he did and it did not help. I thought I tried today in therapy. I had no idea what to say going in because nothing came to my head. I wanted to avoid what happened today. So I read stuff- nothing. I had hoped that something would have sparked one of our minds. I just feel stupid now to have done that. I just want fucking god damn suggestions.
I didn’t feel like it was something so bad for me to ask for ideas for thanksgiving. Yes I am mad at Joanna for leaving, yes I am afraid it is going to make my week ruined…but I also feel like it should be okay to say I want help. I feel like Joanna has just sat there and watched me cry all week. It bothers me but I know I’m not going to be able to make her change her actions- she’s not going to caress me. I can hope all that I want; I’m just wasting time and energy.
I feel like its wrong of me to get upset. All I can think of to do to make myself feel better is to do something fun. Or preoccupy myself with other things…aka work more. I’m going to do that tomorrow and see if it helps. I am going to see if I can work longer than 6-10a. Then I picked up 3 dog walks. Supposed to meet Blair even though I really don’t want to. Then a board meeting which I am dreading and want to cancel.
Same with Thanksgiving week. All I can think of to make my mind occupied is too busy up my schedule. Take on more hours at petsmart. More clients for dog walking/cat sitting. Winter training. Make many meet ups with friends even if I don’t want to. Hang out with max and Karen. Hike. Bike.
“I feel like I am alone. That no one cares. If I say I’m upset etc. I am told to suck it up and deal with it on my own.”
I feel like no one cares about me. That I don’t matter. That I have been forgotten. That no one notices me unless I am doing poorly. Maybe that’s why I have made myself miserable? I want someone to notice me. I feel as though I am overlooked and no one pays attention to me.
I still feel very hurt that Reflections has called other people I know who left but not once called me. It hurts me a lot. Tuesday night I felt forgotten by Mike too. Mike sent an email to the presidents, Ashley and I saying how much he supports hiring Matt as novice women's coach etc., when last week he said he thought that this other candidate was a better option. He basically took every word of positivity that I said to mike about Matt and wrote it in this new email. Could he put his nose any farther up everyone's ass?
Then tonight the coaches had an online meeting; g-chat conference thing. Ash, Mike and I. Started off great...and then I got real pissed. I now have to change my practice plan because they are idiots and didn’t plan in advance. Mother fuckers. G-Chat convo important notes attached.
I do agree, I probably am making myself miserable because Joanna is leaving thanksgiving week. I am probably trying to show her, “look at what happens when you leave. Trying to make her feel bad about leaving. Make her feel guilty about leaving me a mess. But why? I need to stop this shit. It’s not fair to her- or others. It’s not right. It’s fucked up and mean. I am going to try to talk these things out first. This is an example of me making someone feel bad with my actions and not words. I do think I am much better at doing things that way than using my words. I am much better at giving facial expressions as well. But why? That’s what children do. It seems as though a lot of things I do are how a child behaves. Shouldn’t I have grown out of that? Its sad being an adult and acting like I am 2 years old. I want to change that. Did I never grow out of that stage? Or does that mean I skipped it and am now doing it? Or what?
When seeing dijana, kimmie, and Megan Saturday night I felt horrible. I didn’t remember a lot of the memories they talked about, mainly because I didn’t partake in many of them. I was sheltered and isolated. Crew, my eating disorder, and family all affected that. Plus my fear of disobeying my parents. I couldn’t do anything wrong. I had to spend all my time studying, church, crew, family and then my eating disorder. I think I then tried to make up for it in college, but i don’t feel as though I succeeded fully. But that would make sense if I were trying to act upon my teenage years….but I’m not. I’ve just come to the fact that those are kissed goodbye. I hate thinking about high school in general.
While driving home Carlos asked me to go over a paper he wrote. I can’t do this anymore. I am tired of it. I feel like I have helped him so much with papers. Writing them, editing them, rewording, doing his whole nutrition project. Helping him finish things so he doesn’t fail. I am in overload. I can’t do it anymore. But I have to. I can’t say no to him. I feel trapped. Fuck.
I feel like I am at my breaking point. I can’t do everything I need to do, but I have to and if I don’t then I am being lazy. I am exhausted and drained with everything. Petsmart, dog walking, wedding stuff, finances, crew, and life in general. And coaching hasn’t even started. My anxiety feels like it is rising by the day. I have so much I have to do- especially after talking to the lady who has helped me at Celebrations. I need to get photographer, DJ, hotel etc. reserved and booked by the first of the year. I have no idea how people can get all this done. This is all just too much.
I have no idea what my weight is but I feel like I lost weight and I like the way i look. I like what I see. If I didn't lose weight and I like what I saw I will probably be mad at myself for being able to like myself at this weight. I feel like I can see my bones a little more. I'm mad that I don't know gar my weight did at Jill's. If it is up or the same then eating less clearly didn't matter but if it lowered then eating less did something.
And the holidays are coming up too fast. Oma’s birthday soon. Then moms. AHHHH
Replies
Did you say caress you??? Of course she\'s not gonna do that. That would be way crossing boundaries and could get her into trouble. The most she can physically do for you is give you a good bye hug after an extra tough session but even that is totally up to her. She is there to talk to you, to understand your feelings and to give you advice. She can\'t love you like a daughter. This is a totally professional relationship. I\'m afraid you will never get from her what you want. You need to get that from your loved ones. And by the way she will not feel guilty about you feeling bad with her being gone. Therapists have enough insight that they cannot suffer with their patients. Otherwise they would need major treatment too and remember you are not her only or favorite patient. There is no such thing.
And that nobody cares about you unless you are sick is totally ed voice. It\'s a total lie but so convincing isn\'t it. You need to tell Carlos that you need reassurance of his love and care for you in order to prevent a relapse.
I don\'t think taking on more stuff over thanksgiving week is a good idea. You sound stressed out of your mind as it is. Try not to think ahead so far. One day at a time is plenty.
i know i know karin. you\'re right and i realized that. i made a lot of realizations today.
i feel different ribght now. for the better. i am feeling positive. i am going to read part of what i wrote in here to joanna tomorrow as well as go over the changes i made last night an today to better myself.
wow, i lot of emotion and questions of self. your therapist will never caress you and may not even hug you after a sesion, it is crossing the lines of her position, if she did that i would question her behaviour. saying that, i too have felt over the years a wish for my pshy/therapist to hug me goodbye, but it never happened, and i would never mention it, even now, i would feel funny. i feel it is good to question yourself as to why you are crying so much, being angry and feel so alone, it helps us to look for some answers. i hope you find some. i dont think it is a good idea to increase your work load and just be busy for the sake of busy, i feel this is actually just stuffing your emotions down. you already have so much on your plate, i know it is hard for you, but try and do something fun instead of work, something that would make you happy even if it is only for a short while.i would like to hear some of the changes you have made. hugss and support always