i don't know what's going on with me. i don't get it. i want to ask for help to get through this but i dont know how. and i dont know what to ask for. 
i dont know how to even describe what is going on.
this is what i sent joanna practically immediately after therapy this morning...
"I wish I just could of let myself get things out in front of you at the end of our session, but it didn't come out until I got into the waiting room. That's when the gates opened and the tears just flooded out. I can't handle the information in regards to the Monday times right now. Even though you said you are working on it, I still can't handle it right now. And now I don't know how to handle myself. I don't have anyone to be with and I dot know what to do.  I feel even more helpless and at a loss right now. I didn't want to leave your office. I didn't want to move because I feel safe there and now I am lost. I don't even know where to go.
Yes I just want someone to make things better, but I know I can't ask for miracles.
I don't want to be alone and I don't want to do anything that I have to do today. I feel scared, alone and lost.  I am afraid of the rest of the day with how I am.  I don't feel like I have any ideas as to how to deal- I just want ideas/suggestions.  I don't eant to eat and i don't even know how to force myself. I don't want to do shit, I feel like yhe only thing I am capable of doing is making myself worse by hurting myself in some way.
Maybe it does have to do with you leaving and changes in schedule because that's all that comes to my mind right now.
I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I have anyone else to tell how I am feeling. I'm sorry- I'm just lost and in a lot of pain...a lot."
*when i say her leaving, that's for vacation the week of thanksgiving.
Before therapy this morning I opened my mail from yesterday and had gotten a ticket for running a red light- $75. Spilled OJ all over. Cried during my entire shower. Went to visit a cat. Couldn't find my paper with the alarm code in my car, balled my eyes out....hardcore, i did find it but it didn't change anything. Realized it has almost been a year sicne Sheppard Pratt- cried my eyes out again. when i was at the cat's place I dropped the can of food all over the floor- cried. 
remembered comments from yesterday when i was at costco with mom (i did have a good day overall). we tasted a sample of popcorn, mom liked it and went to grab a big bag to buy. as she grabbed it she said "bad mom...bad". wtf?! then i was grabbing various snacks (granola bars, trail mix, newtons, etc.) and mom said "wow, piling up on snacks eh? See, in germany no one had snacks in their houses, we need to be like that." i just said, well i need them. 
my anxiety is out of control as well. 
oh yesterday i called my dad to ask him a question, but he was really busy and didnt want to just give me a one word answer, so he asked if he could call later so we could talk more. i never got a call back.



oh sweetie, what a terrible time for you right now, everything is upsetting you emotionally and scarily physically. can you get more time in with joanne before she goes on vacation? i know its hard for you to be without her but she does deserve a vacation, she works very hard. does she have someone on call for you to contact, i know it isnt her, but it would be someone. i realize we are all virtual friends and support but i will always be there for you giving you my best. do you have any idea why this sudden emotional turmoil, did something besides joanne set it off. i am glad you wrote out what is happening and i hope by doing that you feel a bit better. as far as your dad, he has always been there for you but unfortunately that time he wasnt, try and not take it to personal, he isnt perfect, though a call back should of happened, but someting must of been going on. many hugs and support!!!!!

I agree that you feeling so out of control and helpless is because of Joanna\'s vacation. You are totally overreacting and I don\'t mean to scold you, I just wonder when you will recognize that you are too attached to her. God forbid she ever decided to move. You would probably go suicidal and that is some scary shit. I wish you would ask her if you could work on having better boundaries between the two of you. If she is a good therapist she must realize she is letting you way too close. And it\'s not true that you don\'t have anybody else. You have at least your dad, you have jill, that one friend (don\'t remember her name) I think the problem is that those people don\'t make you the center of their lives at the moments you need them and you want that total attention. Just a wild guess.
Your mom is an ass as usual. And I\'m 100% sure your dad will call you. He is very understanding and loves you so much.

I think she has starting the boundary setting but clearly it doesnt work for me. Like im only supposed to email/text/call her if it is an emergency or schedule change...I have goteen MUCH better with this, but did send an email yesterday- i couldn\'t hold it back. but she doesn\'t respond and if i write something in the title saying its not an emergency she won\'t even read it until our session. i dont know how else boundaries can be set

fuck i feel like i could be suicidal when she\'s only on vacation- move....dont even mention that word

I\'m glad she is doing what she is doing. She probably realized that you being so dependent on her is pulling you down even more. We all need people to lean on, but not professional ones so much and mostly ourselves. Very hard I know. I\'m still totally dependent on Dwayne - his mood and everything.