Good session with Joanna yesterday. Question is, what occured for me to be able to handle various extremely difficult situations that I had over the past few days soo fucking well? It's great...but weird. Why? No fucking clue.
Could it be that I could of fallen out of my weight range when I saw Jill today? It would make sense I guess.
But I think it may be the fact that I am eating at a more comfortable level- meaning I am missing approximately 2-3 exchanges a day. I like the fact that I am not eating 100%...I am still eating well and not purposely taking out foods. I am not skipping meals or snacks.
Today was good when I saw Jill. She said that my weight essentially is reflecting exactly what I am consuming. That my weight has gone down, but at the slowest possible rate. So if I get back to meeting everything like I did the week prior (and the past 3 days) I will be back on track. Phew! I can do this.
But why is it that I want to potentially lose weight right now? I don't want people to get angry and upset with me...things are going great, everyone is happy and proud of me. I am leaning towards the fact that I might be trying to show people that I am still struggling even though I sound and seem well on the outside. Is this true? I don't like having potential ideas and not knowing if it is true or not. It makes a lot of sense to me. It is much easier for me to do that than to explaining to people that I am having difficulties. I can tell my treatment team no problem, but not my family. Mainly I think because my team get's it. They understand. My family does not. They don't get it. Especially my mother...and Carlos too.
Could it be that I could of fallen out of my weight range when I saw Jill today? It would make sense I guess.
But I think it may be the fact that I am eating at a more comfortable level- meaning I am missing approximately 2-3 exchanges a day. I like the fact that I am not eating 100%...I am still eating well and not purposely taking out foods. I am not skipping meals or snacks.
Today was good when I saw Jill. She said that my weight essentially is reflecting exactly what I am consuming. That my weight has gone down, but at the slowest possible rate. So if I get back to meeting everything like I did the week prior (and the past 3 days) I will be back on track. Phew! I can do this.
But why is it that I want to potentially lose weight right now? I don't want people to get angry and upset with me...things are going great, everyone is happy and proud of me. I am leaning towards the fact that I might be trying to show people that I am still struggling even though I sound and seem well on the outside. Is this true? I don't like having potential ideas and not knowing if it is true or not. It makes a lot of sense to me. It is much easier for me to do that than to explaining to people that I am having difficulties. I can tell my treatment team no problem, but not my family. Mainly I think because my team get's it. They understand. My family does not. They don't get it. Especially my mother...and Carlos too.
Replies
Glad you had such a good session. It\'s good to hear you being happy. I\'m just afraid that yes it has to do with you eating less. You might not even realize but ed is already getting up his hopes. Don\' t want to sound like a know it all but I\'ve been there a few times and eating less is such a high. Too bad it doesn\'t last and we have to eat less to get another high. You know the deal.
I totally get what you mean about things being fine on the outside only. I had to tell Dwayne in our family session that a healthy body does not equal a healthy heart or mind at all. On the contrary that takes a long time because right now putting on way brings us guilt and loss of our best friend ed. I told him he needs to show me even more that he loves, worries and cares for me than when I was literally dying. I don\'t have any hope for you mother but I think Carlos needs to participate in therapy whether he wants to or not, or he might just lose you.
sounds like you had a good session and that you are happy, but i am not thrilled with the reason why, though i understand it. i am at a \"normal\" weight but not normal in what i eat, thoughts and behaviors but everyone thinks im ok now, no raoid weight loss. they just dont have a clue but we know and we know that letting ed in just a crack, will open the door wide, please be careful, you have worked so hard. carlos should definetly be more supportive and understang, hell with your mother. hang in, hugsss
Don\'t get sucked back into Ed - he is so very clever and loves to have you be happy with eating just \"a small amount\" less each day until you have backslid several pounds. You have worked so hard to get to where you are so don\'t give up now and stay true to your recovery.
Hopefully your family will understand how things are going for you but don\'t get discouraged if they don\'t. Like Karrin, my husband looks so much closer at my other body than my inner body and doesn\'t get that while we might look better from a health standpoint, we still are struggling inside. We totally \"get\" you and are here no matter what!
Unfortunately, yesterday in session with Joanna I think I realized that I truly was not okay with what I found out on Tuesday with Jill.
How was this realized? I got extremely upset and lost control of myself Tuesday night because I could not find my laundry card. I could not phathom that I potentially could of lost it. It had to be in the house. We tore the house apart, nowhere. I could not handle that. I was pissed off. The next morning I was as well. But how could I go from being perfectly happy to being that out of control regarding a laundry card?
There must of been something that had bothered me prior to that, and then the loss of the laundry card set me up. Either that was the last straw for me, or I just needed some reason to get upset and angry. When I could not find the card I just started berating myself like none other. Yelling at myself, criticizing myself- just knocking myself left and right.
The only possible link could be that I was upset and angry with the fact that I did not lose weight...nevermind...i dont really feel like writing more. sorry
I think you got it exactly right. You wanted to lose weight and ed is giving you hell for not doing so. Fuck ed.