friday
Friday journal...
Difficult. Frustrating, but okay session this morning. Thought that we left off at which we will come back to on Monday is 'I don't feel like anything is accomplished unless I see soemthing or something changes'. Today we learned that I felt rejected, hurt, ignored, forgotten etc. with the whole Thanksgiving week thing (Joanna can only see me that Monday), so on Wednesday during session I was very to myself, not opening up, shooting things down, and plainly just had my head in a different place. We feel the reason I acted that way was to try to get Joanna to feel the same way I felt once I heard the Thanksgiving week news. I could of said how I felt, but I wanted others to feel the way I did. I learn better by physically doing things (hands on), so it makes sense that i am going to do the same thing to others. Joanna asked me to do a favor for the both of us and be proud/happy that we figured soemthing out today. I can try- thought I don't feel that anything was accomplished. so we figured that out...but how is that going to change anything? so what.
Around 1pm Friday...
I had a reall good converstation on the phone with my mother. i asked her if i should go to her house first or to blair's. she asked if i was having dinner wiith blair and i said that it depends on what i do with her and dad. She said that I could have dinner with them, but it was liver, brussel sprouts and rice- VOMIT! I said, I think i'll figure out dinner elsewhere, but I also thanked her- she was OKAY with that! No nagging about dinner! It was amazing!! Found a pair of jeans today- not what i really wanted, but they fit. Also Seteph Welsh might coach at langley and a lot of friends have asked me to hang out the past few days!
Took my babies (ferrets) to the vet for the first time. They are very healthy babies!! I then hung out with blair and we had a great time! Yes, I brought my ferrets with me :) And I was so proud of pisco because he actually pooped outside in the yard while i had him on his leash!!!
Friday night...
Went to mom and dad's, had some leftover lentil soup while they ate their dinner. Mom commented on the amount i ate and so i pulled out my log to check my exchanges, and she was surprised that i was actually recording things. She was shocked that i am doing well. She asked about my weight and i said that it is in range, at the low end but still in range- she was speechless. But was this in a good way or bad way?
She took out various jeans that she had in the closet (old one's that were too big/too small for my sister or I at some point in time) for me to try on since i needed new jeans. She took them out but then said they were all junior 7's. I looked at them but they were skinny jeans and i knew they were not my old ones and so i asked if they were alyssa's. She said yes, but they are too big for her now. Super. I used the reasoning that they were all skinny jeans which is not what I was looking for, so I would rather not try them on. My mother's response was, "oh, so you're not even going to try them on?" Like fuck i would try pants on that are too big for my sister. I am not wearing 7's, let alone one's that are too big for my sister. No fucking way. I will not be bigger than her- no fucking way. Now I know that 7's are too big, so i wonder what size she wear's. She better not wear 3's.....that's what I have and if she does i will fucking die.
Then had a long ass mother fucking conversation with my mother which was extremely difficult and frustrating. She really doesn't understand things. I tried saying how I feel and her responses were "well you shouldn't", then if i said something she would say, "just get over it". She said, "well when i look in the mirror i see an old lady with wrinkles, but i move on and forget it, why can't you. its not that difficult." I tried explaining but it didn't work. More similar things arose as well. She said that she feels Joanna and i have talking sessions (not therapy and that we don't get anything accomplished) and if i just need to talk to someone that won't judge me i can talk to family. HAHAHAHAHA. First yes we do accomplish a lot and second they aren't just talking sessions. She said i need to just tell her how i feel etc. I said that I just can't, it's really difficult, and i just can't get it out. It's much easier to say that things are okay, good, or difficult....details make things worse. But I couldn't explain that to her with her understanding- i don't know how else to word things to her. She doesn't understand how therapy can do anything- she says it's a complete waste of time and money. Lastly she asked "well how can celebrities get through this shit and why can't i?" I said that everyone is different. People react/respond in different ways, have different degrees of these sort of disorders, etc. I tried to explain my feelings, things running through my head- my reactions/emotions. Nothing got through her thick skin. I cried a few times- but was able to control myself.
Difficult. Frustrating, but okay session this morning. Thought that we left off at which we will come back to on Monday is 'I don't feel like anything is accomplished unless I see soemthing or something changes'. Today we learned that I felt rejected, hurt, ignored, forgotten etc. with the whole Thanksgiving week thing (Joanna can only see me that Monday), so on Wednesday during session I was very to myself, not opening up, shooting things down, and plainly just had my head in a different place. We feel the reason I acted that way was to try to get Joanna to feel the same way I felt once I heard the Thanksgiving week news. I could of said how I felt, but I wanted others to feel the way I did. I learn better by physically doing things (hands on), so it makes sense that i am going to do the same thing to others. Joanna asked me to do a favor for the both of us and be proud/happy that we figured soemthing out today. I can try- thought I don't feel that anything was accomplished. so we figured that out...but how is that going to change anything? so what.
Around 1pm Friday...
I had a reall good converstation on the phone with my mother. i asked her if i should go to her house first or to blair's. she asked if i was having dinner wiith blair and i said that it depends on what i do with her and dad. She said that I could have dinner with them, but it was liver, brussel sprouts and rice- VOMIT! I said, I think i'll figure out dinner elsewhere, but I also thanked her- she was OKAY with that! No nagging about dinner! It was amazing!! Found a pair of jeans today- not what i really wanted, but they fit. Also Seteph Welsh might coach at langley and a lot of friends have asked me to hang out the past few days!
Took my babies (ferrets) to the vet for the first time. They are very healthy babies!! I then hung out with blair and we had a great time! Yes, I brought my ferrets with me :) And I was so proud of pisco because he actually pooped outside in the yard while i had him on his leash!!!
Friday night...
Went to mom and dad's, had some leftover lentil soup while they ate their dinner. Mom commented on the amount i ate and so i pulled out my log to check my exchanges, and she was surprised that i was actually recording things. She was shocked that i am doing well. She asked about my weight and i said that it is in range, at the low end but still in range- she was speechless. But was this in a good way or bad way?
She took out various jeans that she had in the closet (old one's that were too big/too small for my sister or I at some point in time) for me to try on since i needed new jeans. She took them out but then said they were all junior 7's. I looked at them but they were skinny jeans and i knew they were not my old ones and so i asked if they were alyssa's. She said yes, but they are too big for her now. Super. I used the reasoning that they were all skinny jeans which is not what I was looking for, so I would rather not try them on. My mother's response was, "oh, so you're not even going to try them on?" Like fuck i would try pants on that are too big for my sister. I am not wearing 7's, let alone one's that are too big for my sister. No fucking way. I will not be bigger than her- no fucking way. Now I know that 7's are too big, so i wonder what size she wear's. She better not wear 3's.....that's what I have and if she does i will fucking die.
Then had a long ass mother fucking conversation with my mother which was extremely difficult and frustrating. She really doesn't understand things. I tried saying how I feel and her responses were "well you shouldn't", then if i said something she would say, "just get over it". She said, "well when i look in the mirror i see an old lady with wrinkles, but i move on and forget it, why can't you. its not that difficult." I tried explaining but it didn't work. More similar things arose as well. She said that she feels Joanna and i have talking sessions (not therapy and that we don't get anything accomplished) and if i just need to talk to someone that won't judge me i can talk to family. HAHAHAHAHA. First yes we do accomplish a lot and second they aren't just talking sessions. She said i need to just tell her how i feel etc. I said that I just can't, it's really difficult, and i just can't get it out. It's much easier to say that things are okay, good, or difficult....details make things worse. But I couldn't explain that to her with her understanding- i don't know how else to word things to her. She doesn't understand how therapy can do anything- she says it's a complete waste of time and money. Lastly she asked "well how can celebrities get through this shit and why can't i?" I said that everyone is different. People react/respond in different ways, have different degrees of these sort of disorders, etc. I tried to explain my feelings, things running through my head- my reactions/emotions. Nothing got through her thick skin. I cried a few times- but was able to control myself.
Replies
Sorry but the session about the figuring out thing makes me laugh. And she gets paid for that.
Liver? There are still people who actually eat that? I love brussell sprouts though. Glad you had a good time with Blair and the little beasts.
Btw, your mother speechless is ALWAYS a good thing.
Why so angry with your sister. So what if she is smaller than you. I can see that it would bug you but your anger thernometer just shot up like crazy. Do you still want to be known as the anorexic sister?
And for the rest of your journal: told you your mother is best when speechless.
what do you mean by it made you laugh?
because i like being smaller than her. end of story;.
happy you had a good time with blair and your babies. i too hate liver, we used to have a weekly liver night growing up, you would be shocked at the amount of people who buy liverwurst!!!!! i think your mom, in her odd way, was trying to be helpful with the jeans, knowing money isnt great.she is clueless as to the entire eating disorder concept, but i do think she meant well. i do agree with karin though, wow did your anger sky rocket!! i would of thought that being you are on the recovery road, you you be worried about ypur sister if she is restricting. i do understand the whole body image and the everlasting thinking of not ever being that size again. i personally wear a 6 in pants, i used to be a 22 and i get such irrational thoughts about eating and going back to that. maybe we could buddy up and work on it being ok whatever size we are, we need to accept ourselves and stop comparing ourselves to others. i could use a buddy in this. you know best about your therapy, as long as you feel the progress is contiuing, whichj i think it is,seeing how far youve come. then dont even bother to explain to anyone, people just dont get it. hugsssss
it made me laugh because like you said it was not very productive and she thought it was. I have sessions like that, that pretty much accomplish nothing.
I don\'t think you necessarily want to be the smaller sister, but the one who gets the attention and worry.
I was still confused by your comment, so I read mt journal again and now realized that What I wrote was very cOnfusing lol
In rg to my sister- I just want as much attention as she gets. And some love from my mother like she gets.
It\'s the saddest thing to say but don\'t count on that love. Some mothers (like mine) don\'t have it in them, but you can make up for it when you are a mommy.