I have been wrapped up in so much shit that I forgot to mention the best news ever!! While I spoke with my Oma and Opa yesterday they told me news that left me speechless. They said that they are going to pay off what I have left of my student loan from my Senior Year at Ithaca!!!!!!!!!!!! That's a little under $13K!!!!!!!!
OMG!!!! I was shocked. I had no idea what to say except THANK YOU a million times!!!!!
My Oma said that they might as well help me out (and my sister) while they are here. They said there is no point to just sit on the money they have. I am amazed everyday by how successful they have been from moving to this country with literally just a few pennies back right after WWII. And now look at them!
This is HUGE for me!!! Now I don't have to pay a monthly bill for that loan! I still have one from last year which is about $5K, but I don't have to start paying that back for another year.
BUt yes- AMAZING INCREDIBLE NEWS!!!
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On another note- today was really hard in therapy. I am going back and analyzing and trying to correlate my feelings/emotions through the various events that occurred last Wednesday-Saturday to find connections with the moods and misery I went through for multiple days.
I left Joanna's in a bad mood and crying. I want to be normal and have normal emotions. I feel like I am doing everything for that to happen. I am eating well. I weigh enough. I keep myself occupied. My mind is constantly busy.I left pissed off I think because of joannas schedule. I am mad about only meeting today and Wednesday. I am afraid that I am going to make Myself miserable again. I am feeling very overwhelmed with emotions right now and I yhink that is why I am crying. Joanna said that she doesn't have anything available Thursday or Friday but if she does get a cancellation she will call me. I know she won't. I will bite my tongue if she does. The one time she had an extra spot for me on a Thursday because she couldn't do Friday was last week and she got sick.
I know I'm going to have a ahitty end of the week and I know if I think like that then I definitely will. Well isn't that fucking great. I hate missing appointments with her. Knowing that I am having an appointment makes me feel that I have the opportunity to feel better and stop being miserable.Right now I feel like she doesn't care about me and that I am being left alone. I know that is not true, but that is how I feel. I don't feel like I can handle myself. My emotions or my actions. These are the times when I want to disappear.I wish our session didn't end. It seems as though recently I get more emotional or upset or angry at the end and then I have to leave. There is never enough time. Never. Thinking of this makes me upset and cry again.When something gets cancelled I feel alone and hurt.I still want to know why I was upset regarding seeing Lauren and knowing she sees Joanna as well. Is it me wanting Joanna all to myself? That I don't want to share her with someone else I know?
OMG!!!! I was shocked. I had no idea what to say except THANK YOU a million times!!!!!
My Oma said that they might as well help me out (and my sister) while they are here. They said there is no point to just sit on the money they have. I am amazed everyday by how successful they have been from moving to this country with literally just a few pennies back right after WWII. And now look at them!
This is HUGE for me!!! Now I don't have to pay a monthly bill for that loan! I still have one from last year which is about $5K, but I don't have to start paying that back for another year.
BUt yes- AMAZING INCREDIBLE NEWS!!!
---------------------
On another note- today was really hard in therapy. I am going back and analyzing and trying to correlate my feelings/emotions through the various events that occurred last Wednesday-Saturday to find connections with the moods and misery I went through for multiple days.
I left Joanna's in a bad mood and crying. I want to be normal and have normal emotions. I feel like I am doing everything for that to happen. I am eating well. I weigh enough. I keep myself occupied. My mind is constantly busy.I left pissed off I think because of joannas schedule. I am mad about only meeting today and Wednesday. I am afraid that I am going to make Myself miserable again. I am feeling very overwhelmed with emotions right now and I yhink that is why I am crying. Joanna said that she doesn't have anything available Thursday or Friday but if she does get a cancellation she will call me. I know she won't. I will bite my tongue if she does. The one time she had an extra spot for me on a Thursday because she couldn't do Friday was last week and she got sick.
I know I'm going to have a ahitty end of the week and I know if I think like that then I definitely will. Well isn't that fucking great. I hate missing appointments with her. Knowing that I am having an appointment makes me feel that I have the opportunity to feel better and stop being miserable.Right now I feel like she doesn't care about me and that I am being left alone. I know that is not true, but that is how I feel. I don't feel like I can handle myself. My emotions or my actions. These are the times when I want to disappear.I wish our session didn't end. It seems as though recently I get more emotional or upset or angry at the end and then I have to leave. There is never enough time. Never. Thinking of this makes me upset and cry again.When something gets cancelled I feel alone and hurt.I still want to know why I was upset regarding seeing Lauren and knowing she sees Joanna as well. Is it me wanting Joanna all to myself? That I don't want to share her with someone else I know?
Replies
That is sooo AWESOME that they are paying off your student loan for you. I can imagine how less stressful that will be. Doesn\'t it seem like student loans take forever to pay off, even when you make decent payments? That is really cool - what sweet grandparents. :)
Do you have a local support group or something that you can do in addition to seeing Joanna? Sometimes even trying something slightly different to add to your current routine can make all the difference. What about Carlos - could you have a \"session\" with him on one of those nights where you just sit down and talk about either eating stuff or whatever is bothering you? I do that with my hubby sometimes and it helps to make us both feel connected but to also let him help me support my recovery. Is Joanna doing this frequently or just this week? I would recommend calling her on Wednesday am and just leave a message to see if she had any cancellations so that way you are in the forefront of your mind. I am sure she would call you if she has cancellations. Chances are that she just doesn\'t have any. When I have to postpone an appointment or try to fit in a different timeslot with my counselor it is next to impossible as she is always booked. Maybe this is the case with Joanna?
I can totally get that you are upset with Lauren seeing Joanna. Honestly I would feel the same way and almost feel threatened. The relationship we have with our counselor is like a friend and often times is closer than we have with a friend so it is worrisome that possible someone else might step in and take that closeness away from us. Did you talk to Lauren about how it makes you feel? If she is good friend and hasn\'t been seeing Joanna that long, maybe she would be willing to switch if she knew it made you uncomfortable. I definitely would make it clear that you should both not talk about your sessions with Joanna so that way you won\'t feel threatened or competitive as to your \"closeness\" with her. You should journal your feelings and see what comes up.
You sound like you are doing good though, Step - you really do. You are so much more grounded, logical and even have tons of emotions that you express. it is truly awesome how far you have come in such a short period of time. Way to go!
fantastic news about the loan, how kind and generous! i like jolies ideas and suggestions. i do however think that even before lauren, you were posseive about joanne and very dependent, which is what you needed then. she knows you so well steph, that i am sure she will call if thier is a cancellations, they are just so busy. you have done such a great job, with the food, your emotions, just go back and read previous journals filled with angry and sobbing, you will see how far you have come.many hugss
Wow your grandparents are fantastic. They don\'t just love you to death, they are also practical about it. And you know it\'s true so many people just sit on their money even when they are old and could enjoy it, they save,save and save. What for? When you are old you should have fun with your savings and help out those you love. I\'m so happy for you and Carlos. That must be such a load off your shoulders. I bet your parents are blown away.
I think you need to tell Joanna how you feel. I think it\'s great that you recognize that she is not ditching you but that you feel that way and you see the difference and you\'re right there is nothing you can change about your feelings - unless you approach them openly with her and give her a chance to explain herself. I had a female therapist and had a mom - daughter relationship with her, no bounderies and I recommended her to my best friend who ended up seeing her and guess what? I was jealous out of my mind and threw fits in my head and even restricted more. The friend is now long gone, so is the therapist but i know how you feel and I think you should also address that with Joanna. Thank God my friend stopped seeing my T after a few weeks, so I didn\'t have to bring it up. And as you know I think that you are way too attached and co dependent to Joanna and as a good therapist she should know that and change it. Scary thought isn\'t it?!