bleh

I am so exhausted. All that I have done the past many days has caught up with me. And I think I have fucked myself over regarding all I have to do this week. I took on two more clients just for this week to help out, so I have 15 walks this week total. Plus my appointments. Plus dinner with a friend tomorrow, and then going to a support group together. I REALLY don't want to go to dinner anymore. I am sick and tired of people. I just want to be alone. I am tired of people and everyone is pissing me off. I am irritable to all hell. I then have a crew board meeting wednesday night, oh and a phone meeting regarding crew tomorrow on my way from my dietitian to dinner. Have to go to my parent's a few times for the fucking cat (40 minute drive) Then work Friday, Saturday, Sunday. How the fuck am I going to do all this if I am this tired and its only monday. AHHH
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Therapy was really good today...despite me falling asleep. She didn't even have to ask if I was exhausted...she could see it in my eyes. 
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Senses...
Touch, Smell, Taste, Sight, Sounds...
Could my relationship to sense be hindering my recovery in that it makes me want to quit or do some other harmful things to my body. My main sensitivity clearly has to do with touch. As Joanna and I went through and came up with a lsit of various things that urk me, she started relating that to howuncomfortable I am with my body and how I notice the smallest changes by how it feels.
I showed her what I typed up last Thursday night and that's how we came across what I wrote above. After reading what I wrote and discussing it, she asked me about the sensory stuff. It seems as though I am ultra sensitive to things so I notice the slightest changes with everything. She said that it is actually a great thing but is hurting me because I can sense the smallest things changing with my body. The jiggling fat- is it visible? no. do i feel it? yes. When I run I can feel my butt move up and down and that's it. Until I notice something else, it keeps bothering me. In addition to me not being comfortable with my body and wanting to hide it, I also do not like things that touch me directly in all places- fitted clothing, shoes etc. I need my space. Otherwise I can't stop moving until it feels okay. I could go on forever.
So this is just soemthing for us to be aware of. She asked me, even though she knows I think it's bullshit, for the next time I get disgusted and start writing all the self hate comments to take soemthing soft and comfortable (my raggie and blankie) and hold it against my skin. Just see if my mind can refocus on the softness. 
This also relates to my self harm whether it be cutting, burning, scratching, picking, biting etc... I do other things to myself to take my mind off another discomfort. To me cutting myself is more soothing than feeling my body grow.
Lastly we also talked about me wanting to stay little (as a girl) and not grow up into a woman. Little = carefree, fun, small. I can do things other women cant if I am small.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Your week is super busy. But it seems the only thing you could cancel is the dinner, so maybe go ahead and do that. And other than that take one day at a time.
Glad you had a good session. Can relate a little to the touch thing as far as clothes goes, nothing tight, it drives me nuts. I need to be comfy and prefer oversize. I also don\'t like people touching me.
tuxedomck
tuxedomck

what about specific fabric types? I can\'t stand wool, velvet, anything with sequins or whatever. If a string is hanging or a hair is touching my skin- freak time!
ann54
ann54

great insights. steph i cant stand hair touching my face either lol. i like her suggestion about placing something you are comy with and holding it to your face or simply cuddling it, it may very well comfort you and relieve your mind. i have done similar things when i am very sad, down, and it has helped me.