Maybe I didn’t really learn to regulate my emotions… I am now pondering as to whether I agree with what Marisa had mentioned to Joanna in regards to regulating my emotions. I feel there are A LOT of things that I need to work on in regards to my emotions/reactions/actions. Yes, I am not crying all the time and I am able to recognize what is going on- but I still get upset easily. Not as much as before, but I still do and I don’t feel that my reactions/emotions are appropriate for the situation.
Monday when I left Joanna’s office I could feel myself wanting to cry. My assumption is that it had to do with what Joanna said about non-verbal cues I might have been sending. That sort of confrontation (not sure what the appropriate word to use here is) makes me feel like I am being yelled at- that I did something wrong. I absolutely hate it. There probably is a reason behind what I did/said, but I don’t know what it could be.
There is one memory that always comes to my mind when someone tells me to stop picking at my hands. I was in elementary school and he was driving me to gymnastics class. (I remember everything like it was yesterday). We were running late and I was terrified to go in. I did not want to walk into the class late. I was very adamant about staying in the car. After enough convincing I went in. While practicing on the floor, the room my Opa kept making signals to me to stop picking my hands. I did not like being called out.
Back to my emotions, when I got home Monday night I had an email from Mike about crew. He sent out an email to LHS crew saying that he and Ashley were coaching for a rowing club in Loudoun County and that rowers should sign up for it for this Fall. This should not have bothered me because I wouldn’t have wanted to do that anyways, but it bothered me immensely. It did bring me to tears. I know I was upset because I felt that I wasn’t included. I know realistically that it was not anyone’s intention to not tell me about this, but I guess I just wish I would have been told about it before it came out in an email. I don’t know if I was right or wrong in doing what I did, but I did ask Mike about the program and how he found out about it, etc. I then told him that in the future I would like to be told of things before they get sent out to the whole team. I think my emotions also came into play because a few weeks before I went to Reflections, the president of the team called me to update me on various different things going on with the team (ideas etc.). During that phone call he said, “And I assume that Mike has been talking to you and Ashley about this fall rowing program that we are trying to come up with.” I was taken aback when Bill told me about this idea because I did not know anything about it- which hurt me. So when this email came out Monday, my first thought was that they clearly came up with this idea and did it and didn’t ask me about anything. After saying what I did to Mike, I felt a lot better and moved on.
More about my emotions: This morning my mother sent me a text saying, “So I guess we will see you here for dinner after you go to that job fair in Dulles.” I responded saying that I completely forgot about it and had scheduled other things for my day. And I apologized. Her response was, “….whatever….i guess….” This didn’t bother me at all. How does one thing bother me and another not?
When I called Carlos to let him know I was on my way home tonight, he asked me if I wanted to meet him and his mom at Baskin Robbins, but I responded saying, no thank you- I need to go home and make dinner for us. He then said he already ate. Really? This got me very upset and I did cry. I went into the thoughts of, did he forget about me? How dare he not tell me he was going to eat with his mom! He should know better than that. I have told him that it frustrates me when he eats elsewhere and then just sits there while I eat dinner. And then, he knew I was marinating chicken for tonight. I felt like I was forgotten. I was upset- but I managed. I could have used an excuse and not eaten dinner or my snack, but I didn’t. I ate everything that I needed to- which I do think is a good sign.
Monday when I left Joanna’s office I could feel myself wanting to cry. My assumption is that it had to do with what Joanna said about non-verbal cues I might have been sending. That sort of confrontation (not sure what the appropriate word to use here is) makes me feel like I am being yelled at- that I did something wrong. I absolutely hate it. There probably is a reason behind what I did/said, but I don’t know what it could be.
There is one memory that always comes to my mind when someone tells me to stop picking at my hands. I was in elementary school and he was driving me to gymnastics class. (I remember everything like it was yesterday). We were running late and I was terrified to go in. I did not want to walk into the class late. I was very adamant about staying in the car. After enough convincing I went in. While practicing on the floor, the room my Opa kept making signals to me to stop picking my hands. I did not like being called out.
Back to my emotions, when I got home Monday night I had an email from Mike about crew. He sent out an email to LHS crew saying that he and Ashley were coaching for a rowing club in Loudoun County and that rowers should sign up for it for this Fall. This should not have bothered me because I wouldn’t have wanted to do that anyways, but it bothered me immensely. It did bring me to tears. I know I was upset because I felt that I wasn’t included. I know realistically that it was not anyone’s intention to not tell me about this, but I guess I just wish I would have been told about it before it came out in an email. I don’t know if I was right or wrong in doing what I did, but I did ask Mike about the program and how he found out about it, etc. I then told him that in the future I would like to be told of things before they get sent out to the whole team. I think my emotions also came into play because a few weeks before I went to Reflections, the president of the team called me to update me on various different things going on with the team (ideas etc.). During that phone call he said, “And I assume that Mike has been talking to you and Ashley about this fall rowing program that we are trying to come up with.” I was taken aback when Bill told me about this idea because I did not know anything about it- which hurt me. So when this email came out Monday, my first thought was that they clearly came up with this idea and did it and didn’t ask me about anything. After saying what I did to Mike, I felt a lot better and moved on.
More about my emotions: This morning my mother sent me a text saying, “So I guess we will see you here for dinner after you go to that job fair in Dulles.” I responded saying that I completely forgot about it and had scheduled other things for my day. And I apologized. Her response was, “….whatever….i guess….” This didn’t bother me at all. How does one thing bother me and another not?
When I called Carlos to let him know I was on my way home tonight, he asked me if I wanted to meet him and his mom at Baskin Robbins, but I responded saying, no thank you- I need to go home and make dinner for us. He then said he already ate. Really? This got me very upset and I did cry. I went into the thoughts of, did he forget about me? How dare he not tell me he was going to eat with his mom! He should know better than that. I have told him that it frustrates me when he eats elsewhere and then just sits there while I eat dinner. And then, he knew I was marinating chicken for tonight. I felt like I was forgotten. I was upset- but I managed. I could have used an excuse and not eaten dinner or my snack, but I didn’t. I ate everything that I needed to- which I do think is a good sign.
Replies
yes your emotions are better but we are human and will always have emotion. so you creid, its ok, you arent crying and getting angry like before, huge progress. i would be pissed off at carlos too, that was selfish unthinking behaviour. i am glad you spoke up about the crewing, and it showed your feelings about feeling left out were validated, you were to be kept in the loop. are you going to ask them why they didnt? im so hoping that you are finally taking stand with your mother, thank god. i feel that overall, even though you are battling all these issues and emotions, a lot of positvies are in this journal too. many hugs and love
Thanks ann. I\'m contemplating giving Joanna what I wrote to read when I walk in today that way I don\'t forget something- but I don\'t know if that\'s right or not.
I think you are entitled to all those emotions. The important thing is not to keep them in but to let the people who caused them know how you were effected and what you have rather have happened and if maybe you can do that in the future. And all that needs to happen in a calm tone and environment. No yelling, accusation and tears if possible. It should just be a neutral conversation with a compromise.
Just left joannas and we talked about all those situations and she felt as though I handled it all very well. And that it is an accomplishment to be proud of...yet I don\'t feel like it\'s yhat big of a deal becasr that\'s how normal ppl are supposed to act. Yes we talked about yhat as well.
Near yhr end I went into how I feel horrible, how I don\'t want to ear this much and how I want to stay where I am. She could tell I was getting anxious, mad and upset so she stopped me and said, \"this Is the sort of place where we need to stop you from continuing to think in that direction because it\'s not going to do anything for you. It\'s not going to change things.\" true. So now I\'m off to blasting music ib my car to hey my mind off these negative feelings.
hm, sounds like it wasn\'t very satisfying for you
Hey Steph,
I think it is great that you are having the feelings that you are. You used to be so angry all the time and now you are sad, happy, complacent, pensive, excited, etc. You have made HUGE strides in your recovery and I can totally tell that all of your hard work is paying off. I am thinking that you might be sad as some of the new feelings you are experiencing are a bit raw so maybe it is your body\'s own defense mechanism to cry to soothe you. When I started feeling things that I had numbed for so long I would cry at the drop of a hat or, like you said, not at all.
The fact that your mom made a comment and it didn\'t faze you is great! Remember how upset it used to make you? It is cool that you are digging more into your emotions and figuring out why things are bothering you. That is how we can move past things. You definitely are motivating me to work on my own stuff.
Great job! Keep it up girlfriend! Love, Jolie