So I was going to write in here what I wrote in my hand written journal. Basically I don't know what to do. Yesterday it was 101.5 Today at the same time I weighed myself yesterday with the exact same stuff I ate it was 99.5 Then just now I had Carlos go with me to weigh me and it was 100.5 I guess I have to tell Joanna it all. Carlos knows the whole story. I wrote a lot as to what to say in the session today. And I was going to tell her that I fucked it up myself because yesterday I felt that I was in the clear for today and slacked at lunch. Then I had other ideas of what to talk to her about that I wanted to work on because I didnt want another session wasted on my eating/weight etc.
But now I just received an email from my father in which he sent to Joanna as well. I am so emotional right now. I know this is all we are going to talk about in session and I won't even be able to read what I want to read to her.
Here it is....
Dear Steffanie,I am sending this to you with copy to Joanna thinking it may be something you might want to discuss at today's session.You previously asked me to provide you my feelings on how your Eating Disorder affects me. I figured I would follow up on that request with a specific situation as sometimes that can be more meaningful than general comments.Last Saturday night was very difficult for me. I actually had tears in my eyes when in bed as I thought about the afternoon/evening spent with you. It was a combination of things that took a toll on me.First I was taken aback by your thinness when we met at the lighting store. Your hipbones were pronounced and when walking it looked like someone from a third world country. It is hard to believe that you are actually 100 lbs and I can't imagine how bad it would be if you lost more weight. It really scares me. Because that is how you want to look. You seemed happy when we were there and you tell me you are happy and feel comfortable at this weight as compared to being depressed when you were heavier. But it is not attractive, not healthy and I fear for your life. I can't imagine living without you. You would look so much better at 110 and be healthy and could still be happy.Then when I saw your desk and much worse your bedroom, I was shocked.I made a joke about it in that I wondered if there were apartment tornadoes reported in Rockville apartments. But actually I felt embarrassed and disappointed. How difficult is it to maintain a small apartment or even a bedroom? I should have asked you to clean it up or Mom and I would leave. I know each time you walk into that room it grates on you as that is not the way you want it but for some reason you can't fix the problem by putting the stuff away. I just don't understand.The medications.. I watched you put all the meds in your pillbox like a senior citizen managing their meds. But what took a toll on me was watching you turn into a zombie after taking the medications. My gut feeling is that the meds are making things worse than better. I think of all the time and money we have spent on doctors and this is what they have done to you. It makes me mad and scared.And lastly, I saw a book on the coffee table. I think the cover had "Control" written on it. But what was horrifying was the first page in the book. The foul language and hate was extremely troubling to me. It hurts me when you use bad language in casual conversation and emails, but this page was written by a possessed person. From where did this devil inside you come from? Can you imagine how Oma would react? You have such a pure heart for others yet this Eating Disorder tortures you.As I lay in bed thinking of the possibility losing you because of this ED, I thought of what more could I do? I have tried to support you both emotionally and medically. But it seems like we are not much better off than a year ago. I think you are constantly searching through others for the answer but the answer lies within you. Only you can make the decision. All of us can point you in the right direction but in the end it is up to you. I prayed, as I feel asleep, that you will gain the two pounds per week. It can be done if you want it to be done. Going to the hospital would be just another short term fix. The long term fix lies within you. I am sorry if there was anything your mom or I did in the past to make you feel you have to be so thin. Please, please make the decision and then follow through. Please.So that is a real example of how your Eating Disorder affected me last Saturday night. And finally, yesterday morning at breakfast we were talking about our 30th wedding anniversary trip to Germany in September. Mom said she wasn't sure if we should go. That given you current situation we should seriously consider cancelling the trip so to be here with you. I thought about it, and as hard as it is for me, I said we had to go. I told Mom we can't live our lives around our fear of what might happen with you when we are away. We need a vacation and this trip means a lot to us. Last Thanksgiving we delayed our trip to visit Oma and Opa to be with you when you checked in to Sheppard Pratt. In January, we went on the cruise without you because of Renfrew. If we cancel this trip, then what happens next time? And the next time? I am so sorry, but we have to go.... even though I will probably be thinking of you every night while there. Unless, of course, you do successfully make it to 110 lbs in five weeks. Then MD and I could have an enjoyable vacation knowing that you were at a healthy weight with a monumental step in the right direction.As I have said, I will always love you unconditionally. I just wish I had the real Steffanie back. Please come back.With tears of love, PB
But now I just received an email from my father in which he sent to Joanna as well. I am so emotional right now. I know this is all we are going to talk about in session and I won't even be able to read what I want to read to her.
Here it is....
Dear Steffanie,I am sending this to you with copy to Joanna thinking it may be something you might want to discuss at today's session.You previously asked me to provide you my feelings on how your Eating Disorder affects me. I figured I would follow up on that request with a specific situation as sometimes that can be more meaningful than general comments.Last Saturday night was very difficult for me. I actually had tears in my eyes when in bed as I thought about the afternoon/evening spent with you. It was a combination of things that took a toll on me.First I was taken aback by your thinness when we met at the lighting store. Your hipbones were pronounced and when walking it looked like someone from a third world country. It is hard to believe that you are actually 100 lbs and I can't imagine how bad it would be if you lost more weight. It really scares me. Because that is how you want to look. You seemed happy when we were there and you tell me you are happy and feel comfortable at this weight as compared to being depressed when you were heavier. But it is not attractive, not healthy and I fear for your life. I can't imagine living without you. You would look so much better at 110 and be healthy and could still be happy.Then when I saw your desk and much worse your bedroom, I was shocked.I made a joke about it in that I wondered if there were apartment tornadoes reported in Rockville apartments. But actually I felt embarrassed and disappointed. How difficult is it to maintain a small apartment or even a bedroom? I should have asked you to clean it up or Mom and I would leave. I know each time you walk into that room it grates on you as that is not the way you want it but for some reason you can't fix the problem by putting the stuff away. I just don't understand.The medications.. I watched you put all the meds in your pillbox like a senior citizen managing their meds. But what took a toll on me was watching you turn into a zombie after taking the medications. My gut feeling is that the meds are making things worse than better. I think of all the time and money we have spent on doctors and this is what they have done to you. It makes me mad and scared.And lastly, I saw a book on the coffee table. I think the cover had "Control" written on it. But what was horrifying was the first page in the book. The foul language and hate was extremely troubling to me. It hurts me when you use bad language in casual conversation and emails, but this page was written by a possessed person. From where did this devil inside you come from? Can you imagine how Oma would react? You have such a pure heart for others yet this Eating Disorder tortures you.As I lay in bed thinking of the possibility losing you because of this ED, I thought of what more could I do? I have tried to support you both emotionally and medically. But it seems like we are not much better off than a year ago. I think you are constantly searching through others for the answer but the answer lies within you. Only you can make the decision. All of us can point you in the right direction but in the end it is up to you. I prayed, as I feel asleep, that you will gain the two pounds per week. It can be done if you want it to be done. Going to the hospital would be just another short term fix. The long term fix lies within you. I am sorry if there was anything your mom or I did in the past to make you feel you have to be so thin. Please, please make the decision and then follow through. Please.So that is a real example of how your Eating Disorder affected me last Saturday night. And finally, yesterday morning at breakfast we were talking about our 30th wedding anniversary trip to Germany in September. Mom said she wasn't sure if we should go. That given you current situation we should seriously consider cancelling the trip so to be here with you. I thought about it, and as hard as it is for me, I said we had to go. I told Mom we can't live our lives around our fear of what might happen with you when we are away. We need a vacation and this trip means a lot to us. Last Thanksgiving we delayed our trip to visit Oma and Opa to be with you when you checked in to Sheppard Pratt. In January, we went on the cruise without you because of Renfrew. If we cancel this trip, then what happens next time? And the next time? I am so sorry, but we have to go.... even though I will probably be thinking of you every night while there. Unless, of course, you do successfully make it to 110 lbs in five weeks. Then MD and I could have an enjoyable vacation knowing that you were at a healthy weight with a monumental step in the right direction.As I have said, I will always love you unconditionally. I just wish I had the real Steffanie back. Please come back.With tears of love, PB
Replies
Ok, I already commented on the weight and as you said you screwed yourself and it\'s best to fess up to joanna because it shows how stuck you are.
Your dad obviously loves you very much BUT what business of his is it how you keep your house, what books you read, what meds you take and what kind of treatment is best for you and has long term effect. Your parents are way to involved in your life. I feel like I just read about a little child, not a married woman. You need to work on your independence. Maybe that\'s something to talk about in session. And your dad giving you the guilt trip with you oma - so not cool.
He\'s right; the change has to be within you. You\'re fighting so hard to stay in this illness, letting it consume you. Isn\'t it shattering when we see the other side of this life; the one that consumes our friends and family? Is it fair to let them watch us die so slowly without ever trying to fight, to live?
These are the words of a man who wants to hold on, to not lose hope, to not accept defeat. A man who wants his daughter. A man who is your flesh and blood, and who in the end, has all the best intentions at heart for his daughter.
you know what i feel about your weight and the needed pounds, so i wont say anymore about that. i despise people giving you the guilt trip, it does no good except make one feel worse. i am a world class guilt trip it is one of my worst problems. why do your parents come to your home when you arent there? to comment on your house cleaning is unbelievable, you are not a child living in thier home, you are a grown adult in your own place, i would be so pissed. and the nerve to open the book that said control was so wrong, if it was just a novel, he would never have touched it. that all being said, i think he is so caught up in your illnes and doesnt know what to do. i feel he truly does love you, but is going about it the wrong way. i know my father loves me and is worried about me in many circumstances, but he has never come to my house and investigated. actually, he has stopped mentioning my eating issues and how i look to him. you know how i feel about your mother, she is so toxic to you. you need to be willing to fight ed and your other issues, no one can guilt you or pressure you, you have to chose to live. i hope you chose life over death.