Today was miserable in session. I read her what I wrote about the past two days and then she went over the email I sent her yesterday. Some things were fine but then when we got to the last part of me mentioning the weight I clearly trying to make her feel bad for making this whole weight by date thing. Which is wrong yet I do it. Joanna told me before to start expressing my anger, but I have taken it to a whole different level- which is my doing. I need to suppress it somehow. In the beginning it was a good thing and then just exploded to the point where I am hurting people. I need to stop.I also really do need to start accepting responsibility but I feel like I don't know how. I never do. I need to and I should, but I don't. What am I so freaking scared of? Why don't I?This is not me trying to make you feel bad- but I really didn't just want to leave. I wanted to sit there for a long time and keep going. I never feel like there is enough time, and when we get to something important we always run out of time and then the next time something else goes on and we never go back to what we ended on. For instance when I got back from the cruise we spent the whole time talking about my food and weight- we never got to go over what all I sent you while you were out on vacation.When I had to leave today I was really upset and cried for a good while. I really wanted to throw a fit and say I'm not leaving and you can't make me- but that wouldn't benefit me in anyway and would just anger Joanna. So I was a big girl and left with tears in my eyes.I feel the most comfortable in your office than out on my own. As much as I might hate what you say at times because the truth hurts, I feel like I am somewhat contained. I can't hurt people with what I say or do. I can't blame others for things because I will be called out.Why do I not ever say appropriate things at the right time? When do I want to make people feel bad? Why do I not want people to be happy when I'm not? I want to change this. I want to know why I do this. I want to know when and why I started doing this- has it been forever? If so then why did it never seem like a problem before? I want to stop putting people through misery and pain. I think that maybe if I just hide my feelings and show people that I'm happy with and for them then relationships and communications will be better all around. I know that won't help me but maybe it will help change me? I would still be honest in my journals and to my treatment team. But then I won't hurt anyone's feelings. I don't eant people to have to be in pain because of me. From now on my life is great on the outside.Why is it so dang hard for me to refrain from sending these emails. I feel like I won't get it off my chest until it's sent. Maybe that's because if I put it on someone else's chest it will not be on mine so I wont worry.Ok I'll be home in an hour. I will print this and then delete it so I CANNOT send it and will have to read it on Monday.I will follow my meal plan because Joanna did make a good point that I could of lost weight with my mishap dinner and lack of boost last night.Wow I have an incredible amount of anger. At everything. Everyone. This is not right. I must get rid of it for everyone's sake.and....now Carlos just saw some cuts. i did it in a fucking place he wouldn't see. fuck. he only responded with, there's nothing i can do and just wait. if you keep doing this shit you won't have a husband much longer. of course i cried. but not in front of me.
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Sounds like Carlos had enough of you continuing to hurt yourself and not wanting to get help, it\'s probably more the not wanting help. It must be frustrating as hell because you are not in denial I think you just want to stay sick and get the attention and sympathy from the people who love you.
If you think you can\'t discuss enough in one session why don\'t you try double session and only go every second time. Just a thought.
And putting on the happy face while you\'re miserable inside won\'t do anybody any good. You will one day explode on others or on yourself, have a nervous breakdown or something like that. I really think you need to be IP, not only for ed but your anger issues. Your meds obviously don\'t work and I think it would be easier to figure them out in a controlled environment.
You know I too have anger issues...but mine are so related with ED and now that I am fighting ed more, it seems I can find my anger more...and just maybe if you keep the fight going you might uncover the anger...
I am kinda confused why you can\'t email Joanna how you feel? does she think you do it for attention? I have email communication with my therapist...because I don\'t speak much during session, since I just can\'t get things to come out...and for my meal plan. But Just was curious. You don\'t have to tell me... Anyway I think if you keep fighting and the last few journals I have read it sounds like you want too.
wow, so many questions and how difficult to answer, and answer honestly to your self to yourself. that said, i do not think this is achievable on your own, you so need to go IP for the anger and for ED. i was only able to get control of my depression and anger by getting extensive OP treatment. i also was IP for the depression and suicadal thoughts. what are you ashamed of? all you are going through is not your fault, you need intensive help, and quickly. i think putting on the \"happy face\" is not the right decsion, what you need is IP. please for your sake, get the right kind of attention. hugss