This morning I was so very upset. At first I tried to just let it roll off my shoulders, but then became angry, and eventually upset enough to make me cry. NO THIS IS NOT TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BAD OR FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF.




Mike sent me a message this morning saying, "This is going to be my last week with capital. I will be jumping between here and Princeton for the national team". I asked him if Capital knew about this because they are trying to work on lineups and currently have him in them to race. He said “no not yet. I have been gone since I knew. I was in Colorado for five days training for the National team”.
How can he be that fucking good? Oh and then he brags that there is a fucking article in his home town newspaper about him and how fantastic of a coxswain he is. Fuck him. I gave Capital’s Men’s Rep a head’s up regarding Mike (the rep, Michael Zgoda, is super close to me and is one of the surprise visits that I had while I was at SP) because Zgoda does not like last minute changes. Zgoda then started bitching about Mike and saying there is no way he is good enough for the National team and out of all the coxswains on Capital Gretchen or I would perform better on the National Team. He also said that the only reason Mike gets anywhere is probably because of his disability. I felt so good that I am not the only person that feels this way. And no, I did not mention my feelings before Zgoda said this!!
Then to boot how upset I was, Carlos said he was going to run out real quick to get a money order and to pick up our mail. Thirty plus minutes later he had not returned. Eventually he sent me a text saying that he was at Bank of America closing his account. Okay that’s fine because I have been telling him for a year now that he needs to do that, I was happy with that. Then he said that he might just go to school following that to study. Wtf? When he left he said he was going to be real quick and come back home to help me clean the fish tank. How convenient that he left right when I started cleaning instead of helping me like he said he would after the television show that he was watching finished. I was so frustrated and still am. I feel like he doesn’t do anything around the house and that I do it all. All he wants to do is train and sleep. When I’m home and have things to do he just says, “Come snuggle with me, let’s take a nap”. I don’t want to because I have things to do and don’t like sleeping during the day. Anyways- after being at the bank, he came home for about 5 minutes. I explained that I was frustrated that he just left and I had to clean the tank myself (it’s BIG) and his response was, “ok, so what”. AHH. Then he said, “God why are you so cranky and pissed off?” I told him about the Mike thing. His response was, “why can’t you just be happy for him- I’m happy for him”. This just pissed me off more, but I just kept it in and sucked it up. Before he left there was still no offer from him to help with anything.
Okay, moving forward from that. Last night I sent an email to my parent’s saying, “I want the honest truth here. Back around Christmas time you guys said how much better I looked than when i went into Sheppard Pratt. You said I looked exhausted, eyes sunken in etc. I want an honest opinion of what you think I look like now- besides the obvious of being too thin and having my bones stick out.”
I got a response just now saying, “Steff, I'm impressed that you are asking for honest feedback. I know that if you are asking for it, you will listen to it. This is a good sign.
Truth be known....here it comes are you ready...2nd sentence when you came out of Sheppard Pratt I was sooo happy because you looked like our ol beans again...you looked extremely healthy, your skin was fresh looking, and you had a spark whereas before your eyes were sunken in like black holes and you were dragging. Now I can't say that your eyes are sunken in, but I can say that after you do something out of your regular routine (ie cox like this past weekend) you do tend to exhibit exhaustion much faster that a robust individual (reason why I drove you to your car), plus I think you bruise a lot easier. Your face now appears to be pointier and your jowls are more obvious and when you smile there are some skin folds...your bones sticking out well they are definitely doing that esp on your back and if you slouch it is very pronounced looking. Sometimes I actually think that you slouch so that it makes your stomach appear fuller than the sunken hole that I think it is. Stand tall, and stick out those boobies (As Elena would say). Any addition of pounds in the + direction will definitely rid you of what is very noticeable to not only me but PB and little sis. Love Ya Lots.”

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

your parents sound amazing people, you are very lucky, I just keep it all a big secret, wish I could be so honest with my parents and vice versa unfortunately we don\'t have that sort of relationship - a case of you can choose your friends you can\'t choose your family...
tuxedomck
tuxedomck

LOL- sorry...we don\'t have a very good relationship actually!! My mother can say something like above and then 5 minutes later tell me i\'m a fucking cow. She is a large part of how my eating disorder and other issues
deleted_user
deleted_user

parents can be strange creatures thats for sure, im hoping my 2 dont think the same of me when they\'re my age lol
deleted_user
deleted_user

Alrighty, here is my take on Carlos. I think he is right in asking : why can\'t you just be happy for Mike? Whenever you mention him and his success it brings out a real ugly side in you. You\'re not the best and never will be. Be happy to be good.
As far as him getting off track when going to the bank and not helping you that really sucks and I would be mad too, especially at his nonchalant answer. Kick his ass in gear.
Don\'t really know what to say about your parents\' comment. But I do remember how happy you sounded and what a wonderful attitude and zest for life you had when you came out of treatment. I miss that.
tuxedomck
tuxedomck

i think they brainwashed me when i went into treatment.
Jolie3
Jolie3

Why aren\'t you happy for Mike? It seems like he is doing well - is there something that I am missing? I do agree with Karrin in that you should be happy for him and if there is something that is upsetting you maybe you should think about why and try to address it. As an example, I get irritated when my girlfriend talks about losing weight and secretly I totally wish I could sabotage her diet but I know that I am jealous because I can\'t diet. I need to gain weight and I hate to be on the end of having to always eat more to weigh more, you know? Could there be something that is nagging at you that makes you so upset about him?

I do like that your parents can be honest with you BUT I think that they are a little too brutal in their comments. I don\'t think it is helpful to hear them talk about your stomach or jowls - you do NOT NOT NOT have jowls. Just the word itself is horrible. They are coming from the right place but it just didn\'t come across the best way. I am proud of you for asking them their honest opinion and listening to what they had to say. That is a big step in the right direction. Let\'s listen to the family a little bit so we can cut all this shit out, you know? I am so tired of worrying about every single little morsel of food that I eat and whether or not I look fat in something. What do you say? Are you with me?
tuxedomck
tuxedomck

1. i coached with him this spring season. he always talks about how great of a coxswain he is etc. when in reality i have been compared as a better coxswain. he coxed for a DI school while I coxed for a DIII school. i have coxed for 13 years he has coxed for 4-5years. I have listened to recordings- he is not that great. Honestly I can name a lot more coxswains that are better. In order to train with the national team you have to basically drop $$ and be able to survive months without a job and pay for bills etc still. not many people can do that. And he gets more sympathy because he has a physical disability- yet people who have mental psychological issues dont get sympathy. I mean fuck- i could make articles in papers too about how i survived rape, suicidal tendenacies, an eating disorder, living on 100 calories a day AND winning NCAA championships.

It irritates the living fuck out of me. Especially now because I KNOW that I am a better coxswain and I should be there instead of him but cant for various reasons. If didn\'t act so cocky maybe I would feel differently.
ann54
ann54

i dont even know what to say to that, it has me speechless. you are a great loving commpassionte woman remember that always no matter what anyonesays
deleted_user
deleted_user

lol, I like your compeative attitude, that is what makes a great athlet vs a good athlet. But that is awsome that he has gotten that far with a disability.
Men suck, I have learned this lol. They dont even know what they do it wrong or even understand why it pisses us off. Clueless.
I guess take the good comments when it comes to parents. Its better than focusing on the neg. I love focusing on the postive things, it really makes a difference. I also like the quote DS had up a few weeks ago, \" dont cry fresh tears over old greifs\"
deleted_user
deleted_user

oh wait it was \" dont waste fresh tears over old greifs\"