The one thing that I cannot get out of my mind at the moment is Lindsay, one of my friends. She has always called me her BFF, but she is not my BFF. I always go along with what she says just to make her happy because I was always the person that wanted to make everyone happy no matter what I personally think or feel. As I work in therapy one of the things that we work on is me expressing how I truly feel, regardless of how I feel I should feel/act. So to be quite honest I do not want to keep pretending with her and I want to tell her the truth. I know it wont sit well with her at all, but I really dont give a shit- I know that is wrong but I dont. I dont care if she never talks to me again. I dont care about her feelings or what she will say.
Anyways, a while back she said that no matter what she wants me to be one of her bridesmaids when she gets married and perhaps evens her maid of honor. She would then ask if she was going to be one of mine. I knew if I said no that she would get really upset, so I would just go along with it to make her happy and say yes. Now as I move forward I realize that I do not want her to be and the only reason why I would have her be one is to make her happy, not me. Regardless of my feelings now, I also dont want her to be one because she pisses me off more and more all the time. I absolutely without a doubt do not want her in my wedding party even though she thinks she is. I dont remember but perhaps when I got engaged almost 2 years ago I might have said something, but now my mind is completely changed. Am I allowed to change my mind? Is that wrong? What am I supposed to do? How do I say this all?
Yesterday I also flipped on her. She asked me when we were going to hang out. She has asked me this continuously and I always have the same answer. Between random dog walks throughout the day, numerous appointments, class, and wanting to spend time with CarlosI honestly do not have much time. That goes for any friend toobesides Blair. This time I also said the truth that I do not really want to see anyone and I do not want anyone to see me at this point. She didnt buy that so I said, Finehow the fuck do you think I am? You wanna know the truth, here. I have a serious fucking eating disorder, Im depressed like none other, I have lost a shit ton of weight since you last saw me, I dont give a flying fuck about life, I am self-injuring again, and at times I would love to jump off a bridge. How does that sound? Did I answer your question? Then she was like, well Im your bff and I have an awesome birthday present for you that I need to give you. I have to see you, I need you. So did everything I saw just go in one ear and out the other? Then she asked me my weight. I said it was fine. Nope didnt fly. So I told her, Im 98 pounds but I feel fucking great. Better than I did in the Fall. Didnt go over well. She said, well if you hang out with your bff then you would feel better. Oh really, is that so. Go fuck yourself Lindsay. Then she says, can I help you with wedding planning? I said, no thanks, I got it covered. Then she said, what if you get under 100lbs, will your parents make you go somewhere again? Did she seriously not understand that I said I was 98lbs?! OMG. I told her no, no one will make me go anywhere, Im a god damn adult.
Then she goes on saying, you know Carrson (her step brother who is my Chiropractor) would be concerned. Duh thats why I havent gone since February. Then she says she is worried. She wasnt worried in the Fall, she never visited me or called me or sent me anything while I was there. All my other good friends did. Even all my friends on DS. I told her, Dont worry, there is no reason to. Thats why I dont want to tell people because I dont want people to worry. Its not worth your time. Its my problem and I need to deal with it myself. Im fine. I always am fine. Nothing ever happens. Then she said, Well I need to tell people about this. WTF? If I want people to know I will tell them. She has no right to tell people about ME. I told her that she dare not and if she does I will be really fucking pissed with her. She cannot make decisions for me. I am an adult, she can go fuck herself.
She also pisses me off because I have helped her so much in the past two years since she graduated college and have I ever gotten a thank you? Nope. I set up a fucking interview for her, she was offered the job but she turned it down because she said the pay was too low. 8 months later, still no job. I told her she needs to lower her standards and just take any job right about now. She complains about wanting to move out of her parents house asap, but she cant do that without money and a job. She never even thanked me for the interview nor did she tell me how it went. She never mentioned it again. I had to ask the person who did her interview how it went and if she took the position.
Lastly she constantly asks me, do you miss me? Also at the end of conversations shell say, love ya and if I dont say it back she says, why didnt you say it back to me? AHHH. Maybe because I dont mean it?
Awesomeless than a mile from my apartment I got a screw stuck in my tire. Fuck. Of course I broke down in tears when I parked and saw it because I could hear the air leaking out of it. Fuck what do I do. I called Carlos and he did not pick up. I went upstairs and there he was sleeping. Of course, like always. I told him and he was like, thanks for waking me up (sarcasm). Seriously? Ahh. He told me well you can get it fixed now or drive around with a donut. I asked well where do I get it fixed, his response was look it up. I feel a husband should say, here let me find a place and well go together. Nope. I had to ask him to please call places. He did eventually. He told me the place and told me I should go now. Once again had to ask him to help me out and come with. So frustrating. Well when we went there they told us we had to have an appointment, really? They had something an hour after we went there which is just frustrating because we had to drive back home, wait 30 minutes, then go back. So frustrating. This shit always happens to me. I just got new tires a few months ago. Ahhh.
Anyways, a while back she said that no matter what she wants me to be one of her bridesmaids when she gets married and perhaps evens her maid of honor. She would then ask if she was going to be one of mine. I knew if I said no that she would get really upset, so I would just go along with it to make her happy and say yes. Now as I move forward I realize that I do not want her to be and the only reason why I would have her be one is to make her happy, not me. Regardless of my feelings now, I also dont want her to be one because she pisses me off more and more all the time. I absolutely without a doubt do not want her in my wedding party even though she thinks she is. I dont remember but perhaps when I got engaged almost 2 years ago I might have said something, but now my mind is completely changed. Am I allowed to change my mind? Is that wrong? What am I supposed to do? How do I say this all?
Yesterday I also flipped on her. She asked me when we were going to hang out. She has asked me this continuously and I always have the same answer. Between random dog walks throughout the day, numerous appointments, class, and wanting to spend time with CarlosI honestly do not have much time. That goes for any friend toobesides Blair. This time I also said the truth that I do not really want to see anyone and I do not want anyone to see me at this point. She didnt buy that so I said, Finehow the fuck do you think I am? You wanna know the truth, here. I have a serious fucking eating disorder, Im depressed like none other, I have lost a shit ton of weight since you last saw me, I dont give a flying fuck about life, I am self-injuring again, and at times I would love to jump off a bridge. How does that sound? Did I answer your question? Then she was like, well Im your bff and I have an awesome birthday present for you that I need to give you. I have to see you, I need you. So did everything I saw just go in one ear and out the other? Then she asked me my weight. I said it was fine. Nope didnt fly. So I told her, Im 98 pounds but I feel fucking great. Better than I did in the Fall. Didnt go over well. She said, well if you hang out with your bff then you would feel better. Oh really, is that so. Go fuck yourself Lindsay. Then she says, can I help you with wedding planning? I said, no thanks, I got it covered. Then she said, what if you get under 100lbs, will your parents make you go somewhere again? Did she seriously not understand that I said I was 98lbs?! OMG. I told her no, no one will make me go anywhere, Im a god damn adult.
Then she goes on saying, you know Carrson (her step brother who is my Chiropractor) would be concerned. Duh thats why I havent gone since February. Then she says she is worried. She wasnt worried in the Fall, she never visited me or called me or sent me anything while I was there. All my other good friends did. Even all my friends on DS. I told her, Dont worry, there is no reason to. Thats why I dont want to tell people because I dont want people to worry. Its not worth your time. Its my problem and I need to deal with it myself. Im fine. I always am fine. Nothing ever happens. Then she said, Well I need to tell people about this. WTF? If I want people to know I will tell them. She has no right to tell people about ME. I told her that she dare not and if she does I will be really fucking pissed with her. She cannot make decisions for me. I am an adult, she can go fuck herself.
She also pisses me off because I have helped her so much in the past two years since she graduated college and have I ever gotten a thank you? Nope. I set up a fucking interview for her, she was offered the job but she turned it down because she said the pay was too low. 8 months later, still no job. I told her she needs to lower her standards and just take any job right about now. She complains about wanting to move out of her parents house asap, but she cant do that without money and a job. She never even thanked me for the interview nor did she tell me how it went. She never mentioned it again. I had to ask the person who did her interview how it went and if she took the position.
Lastly she constantly asks me, do you miss me? Also at the end of conversations shell say, love ya and if I dont say it back she says, why didnt you say it back to me? AHHH. Maybe because I dont mean it?
Awesomeless than a mile from my apartment I got a screw stuck in my tire. Fuck. Of course I broke down in tears when I parked and saw it because I could hear the air leaking out of it. Fuck what do I do. I called Carlos and he did not pick up. I went upstairs and there he was sleeping. Of course, like always. I told him and he was like, thanks for waking me up (sarcasm). Seriously? Ahh. He told me well you can get it fixed now or drive around with a donut. I asked well where do I get it fixed, his response was look it up. I feel a husband should say, here let me find a place and well go together. Nope. I had to ask him to please call places. He did eventually. He told me the place and told me I should go now. Once again had to ask him to help me out and come with. So frustrating. Well when we went there they told us we had to have an appointment, really? They had something an hour after we went there which is just frustrating because we had to drive back home, wait 30 minutes, then go back. So frustrating. This shit always happens to me. I just got new tires a few months ago. Ahhh.
Replies
Ah, you need to lose this friend and if it is too hard to tell her send her this journal uncensored. She obviously has only herself on her mind. And you need to see your birthday present???? Is she fucking kidding you. You just told her you are struggling to stay alive. She definitely isn\'t your bff, she\'s not even a friend. She is a self centered gossip happy, immature child. And of course you can change your mind. You only get married once, it\'s supposed to be the most special day of your life and you should only do what you want. Like you said you are an adult and you need to act like one with her, your mom and yourself. I was such a pleaser too, and if somebody didn\'t like me I would die, so I said yes everytime and was resentful towards that person who asked and myself for saying yes. I still remember the day I changed. It was really a pinpoint moment. A neighbor (Dad) yelled at Melissa like a maniac and she was just a little girl and had done nothing wrong except for wanting to play with his daughter. I felt furious for the first time in my life, went over there and yelled at him and threatened him with calling the police if he ever so much as talked to melissa again. Then I went home and bawled out of pure exhaustion. From then on I started saying no and if somebody doesn\'t like me so be it. It\'s still tough but it\'s ok. So drop that chick asap.
Carlos acted like a total ass, that\'s all I have to say.
Sorry your day was so rotten.
Thank you Karin. I am not going to have her in my wedding and that is my final decision. After talking a lot to my mom and a friend (a real friend) I decided that I should break all this slowly to her. So first I\'m goign to tell her she is not in the bridal party...I only can have 4 because carlos only knows 4 people and she is not in the top four etc. Then as she does things like she has done before (bc its so continuous) I will let it out each time. That way its not all at once...i love her family and i know i wont have them if i blow her away. But over time she will be GONE from my life!!! FUCK her
Becuase of all this shit today I was not on my game in Micro Lab tonight. and broke 2 glass tubes and completely fucked up my smear plate. UGH
I agree with Karrin and you need to lose this friend. She should not be in your wedding if you don\'t want her to as I can tell you from experience that you will regret including her. I had my stepsister (whom I hate) be in my wedding and it was the worst thing I ever did. I did what I thought I \"should\" do instead of what I wanted to do. You seem like you really have a strong voice and I encourage you to use it. Yes, she will probably be upset but if she isn\'t that great of a friend anyways - do you really care? I know that might sound harsh but she seems very needy and doesn\'t seem to give you anything in the relationship (from what you have said) so I would cut the ties now. I take it you don\'t want to be friends with her anymore, right? If so then the conversation will be a way to end that and the bridesmaid issue will be understood at that time. She seems more interested in getting details on your life to spread around town then to actually see how you are doing. Friends are concerned and don\'t press for details that you don\'t feel comfortable giving at the time.
As for Carlos - he acted like a lazy ass. I like to know that my man can take care of me and if you are upset about a tire (regardless of how minor he might think it is) then he should help. Can you talk to him and tell you how it hurt your feelings that you had to push him to help you out? AAA might be good to have in the future as they can help you out with things like that. I think I pay $45 a year and it is the best money that I have spent as we use it more often than I would like to admit. Especially if you are out by yourself and Carlos isn\'t around, it can be nice to have that as your backup. I have to say that it makes me feel better when I am out at night to know I have that extra help.
shit, lose that \"friend\" asap. i think it would be better to do it all at once, then its done, and she wont annoy and upset you anymore. this will likely be difficult and she will want to find a way to stay involved, but this is where being firm comes in. i wish you luck, as much as you dislike her, it is still hard to say the things that need to be said. wtf is wrong with carlos, kick his sorry ass
1. I\'m gonna talk to Joanna about this \'friend\' issue today.
2. I do have AAA and I did kick Carlos ass last night and this morning. I also told him that all that seems to ever be on his mind is rowing and training.
3. I don\'t Remember lol
Thank u guys. I feel so much more confident after hearing all you alls comments.
You go girl!