12/19/16 Glitter Blast
Meditating has been difficult lately. I sit and I’m distracted by so many things- losing weight to look good in a dress I ordered that I plan to wear at xmas. buying presents for friends, buying sweaters for myself, spend spend spend. I’m having a very difficult time focusing inward. I visualize a blast of glitter every. curtains of blasting glitter so thick I can barely see. I try to move thru the glitter and find that on the other side is the wintery , ice cold, dark home of my youth. the “other” world that the mom tried to disguise. My family did well financially ( for a while anyway) and the mom was proud of her home - like a museum that we barely could navigate thru. plastic covered couches. glitter glitter everywhere! the people don’t see the “other” world. I think of myself and the way I’m spending as of late - I create my own glitter storm - there is an adrenaline pulsing thru me. I can’t parse it and figure out if it’s anxiety - or a high from the spending or both. the adrenaline - like blasting glitter keeps me from myself. beyond the glitter is a wind/snow storm -dark, it is where Belle is hiding. I can see the light coming from her pupil -less eyes but Its so stormy that I can’t make my way to her. beyond the storm - if I can get to her - is a small opening to a sort of paradise. It’s a place where I am warmed by a tribe of good friends - we live in peace - in nature - in green. It’s better than the glitter - but it takes much more work to get there. Is there any advice anyone can give to help me get to Belle?
Replies
It's very easy to lose that connection with your inner children when life starts to get so hectic. But eventually life will settle down and you will reconnect with them. It is the highs and lows that go alone with life.
Glitter this time of year is very abundant and is meant to be festive and happy yet in your memory of it it is a disguise maybe? Something pretty for others to see so they don't see the truth going on behind closed doors. That is sad and I hope day glitter can simply be glitter for you.
As for Belle - you can reach her. Maybe you just have not found the way yet. Maybe Belle wants you to spend more time working to get to her. Only you have the answer. I had inner children I couldn't get to also. I had some who hid from me, some who wouldn't let me touch them, some who spun in circles because they were so angry. In each case I let them be for a time and then, when they didn't move towards me, I moved towards them. If they didn't want to be touched, I held their hand even as they pulled away from me. When they were spinning in anger I stopped their spinning and let them show me their anger as I held them tight. If they were hiding, I went looking for them and when I found them I held them. When they squirmed in my arms I held them tighter. I let them know, by holding them, that I loved them and would never leave them. They did their best to keep me away but I didn't let that happen. I moved through whatever storm they could muster and made it to them every time. I know you can too nikkole. Keep pushing forward with love and love will win. ((Hugs))
I like what LE said, especially knowing she has the experience to speak from. I also feel that I have neglected my inner children the last few days while being busy.
The only thing that occurs to me is that while you're getting all that stuff for your friends and adult you and so forth maybe you could get a little something for Belle? Just a little toy or doodad to bring her into the festivities and acknowledge her? Even if she is not yet ready to manifest herself in any outward way, it can be a sort of place marker or memento of her. Now that I think of it, I want to do something of that nature for my own inner children. It is challenging to think of what, though.
Nikkole,
My inner child most frightened of the world hid herself in a brick tower where the only light that ever entered was thru a slit in the north wall. I called her Wild Woman even though she was but a child of eight or nine. She'd scream and claw any time I came within viewing distance of her brick tower.
At first she scared me away and I'd stay away for awhile. But, in time I'd come back and each time I'd dare to come a little closer in spite of those warning screams and howls. It took me a long time--years--and lots of healing before I was able to stand directly below that slit of a window without her warning threats to stay away.
And with every step I took towards healing she'd allow me a half inch closer to her until I was able to stand face to face with her in her tower. Eventually, she allowed me to hold her. I told her she could stay in her tower if she wanted to but hoped that eventually she'd come be with me. She comes and goes and that's okay. She knows I'm there for her and I know she's there for me.
Patience, love, trust, acceptance and acknowledgement are some of the ways I connected to my inner children. It was critical for me to teach them that not everyone in the world was a danger. Every action I took to heal myself also allowed me to reach those inner children. When they saw me working so hard to heal they began to trust that I was there for them...they began to believe me.
So be patient. Be consistent in your actions towards the little ones for they know the threat of unpredictability. Love them. Accept them as they are. Gift them with both your time and understanding. Buy them a toy, as been suggested. Or make them a toy. And show them, as only you can, that they are worthy of healing, too.
xx
SuzA
I think what DW said of getting Belle a toy or something special? Doing something for you and her while in a bustle? Not clothing but maybe stop and get some ice cream. Stop at a park and watch the kids play?
When I heard you say glitter and wishing it were somewhere in nature, I wonder if you could try to start the focus slowly. Green glitter. Focus on that until you can turn it to leaves. I am not good at this but I wanted to try. ((hugs))
Thanks everyone! what great suggestions! LE, I love your 'never giving up" attitude. Also, I didn't think of the curtain as a means of hiding what was really happening even though the analogy seems so straight forward now -thanks for pointing that out. DW - I love the idea of getting Belle a gift. There were some things she could not do when she was young that I'm allowing her to do now, in peace - such as color (with color pencils) and dress up the way she wants to dress. SuzA66 - thanks for reminding me about patience. Like your "wild women' in a tower - belle is hiding in a snail. When I tried to get to her once she built a concrete wall around it. small steps - trust- patience. thank you. Doo - absolutely love the green glitter idea. I pictured it and it felt good right way - thank you for that. I hope everyone is having a good week. I love and appreciate all the comments - thank you :)
Nikkole,
Belle is hiding in a snail. Is she telling you to go slow?
SuzA
Quite possibly SuzA :)