After the events on Friday I broke up with him (after he started going on about breaking up AGAIN, after he got nasty about yet another non-issue) and I cancelled our relationship on FB. He didn't realise it, I was dreading him realising it whole weekend but he didn't.
He thought he had the upper hand when he said this morning that he had a confession: that he broke our relationship on FB. I told him he couldn't have, as I did that on Friday. It turned out he NUKED me as his friend! It hurt so much I burst out in tears. He said that we are clearly still friends and it was just stupid FB and that he did it because he was mad at me??? WTF??? He was the one who was nasty to me and didn't talk to me whole day on Sunday while I cowered in the living room to keep out of his way so I don't upset him.
Why does it hurt so much that he nuked our friendship on FB? I put so much effort into this relationship, spent almost a year helping him trying to solve his issues, listened to him, gave him all my love, help and advice, my best. He just got more and more abusive. And then he nukes ME as a friend on FB?? Is it just my ego? But this really hurts and bugs me.
And then he tells me after I said how much he hurt me and that I feel like I didn't cause or deserve any if this, that he hates himself for f*cking up the best thing that ever happened to him, that he doesn't know why he does it and he wants to stop but doesn't know how. I don't get it. Surely if you want to stop doing something, you can? He said he gas noone to talk to. I asked why he didn't talk to his friends (he has no friends in the UK, where we live, and 2 friends only in the US, where he is from), or his parents. He had a very frightened reaction, and said his dad would probably disown him and tell him that he is weak and a failure. I think he constantly judges himself through his dad's eyes and standards, and puts himself under massive amount of pressure, partly the reason why he f*cks up.
Arghh, god, I have to stop finding excuses for him and explain why he does what he does. The bottom line is, only he can change his behaviour, as and when he chooses to. I know it in my head, I know I need to break free from him. So why does my heart ache so bad and how can I still love him and crave his affection?
He thought he had the upper hand when he said this morning that he had a confession: that he broke our relationship on FB. I told him he couldn't have, as I did that on Friday. It turned out he NUKED me as his friend! It hurt so much I burst out in tears. He said that we are clearly still friends and it was just stupid FB and that he did it because he was mad at me??? WTF??? He was the one who was nasty to me and didn't talk to me whole day on Sunday while I cowered in the living room to keep out of his way so I don't upset him.
Why does it hurt so much that he nuked our friendship on FB? I put so much effort into this relationship, spent almost a year helping him trying to solve his issues, listened to him, gave him all my love, help and advice, my best. He just got more and more abusive. And then he nukes ME as a friend on FB?? Is it just my ego? But this really hurts and bugs me.
And then he tells me after I said how much he hurt me and that I feel like I didn't cause or deserve any if this, that he hates himself for f*cking up the best thing that ever happened to him, that he doesn't know why he does it and he wants to stop but doesn't know how. I don't get it. Surely if you want to stop doing something, you can? He said he gas noone to talk to. I asked why he didn't talk to his friends (he has no friends in the UK, where we live, and 2 friends only in the US, where he is from), or his parents. He had a very frightened reaction, and said his dad would probably disown him and tell him that he is weak and a failure. I think he constantly judges himself through his dad's eyes and standards, and puts himself under massive amount of pressure, partly the reason why he f*cks up.
Arghh, god, I have to stop finding excuses for him and explain why he does what he does. The bottom line is, only he can change his behaviour, as and when he chooses to. I know it in my head, I know I need to break free from him. So why does my heart ache so bad and how can I still love him and crave his affection?
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You wrote: \"Surely if you want to stop doing something, you can?\" Of course. Everyone has a different opinion, but its my belief that they are capable of change, they just don\'t want to. Instead they go on a train wreck, ruining their own lives and ruining other\'s lives, \'acting out\' their childhood pain. Sounds like he had a bad childhood. Maybe he\'s not ready to heal. Maybe he feels incapable of confronting his own issues. To me, it really takes a life crisis to get a lot of people to face their own childhoods because its just so dark and ugly. So maybe he\'s just not ready, even with losing you, he still wont\' go back and heal himself. Its sad. It really is. My heart goes out to you. I know you have sincerely done ALL you could. I think your guy knows this as well. He may never face his issues. He may go the rest of his life the way he is as many of them do and even get worse.
It will be hard so take care, my thoughts are with you and big hugs xxxxx.
Thank you honey, your help and support means a lot and helps so much!
Re: his childhood, he says he had a great childhood, but then he tells me how his dad put him down and none of his achievements were good enough... He says he also witnessed his friend being killedby a train when he was about 10, and apparently he had to pick up the body parts??? That I find hard to believe, and he seems totally sincere about it; he is not a liar, so I think that it is his imagination punishing him. I don\'t think his childhood was as good as he says, just the above 2 are bad enough... He says he joined the army because he needed discipline, and I think it was to show his dad that he can do well and do something worthy... Again, I don\'t think he realises this.
He says he wants to change, and I can see it on his eyes that he has been crying sometimes. He doesn\'t say it but referred to it this morning so that confirmed it to me. He says he really doesn\'t want to abuse me and he says he doesn\'t know why he can\'t change his angry behaviour and that he feels horrible and responsible for what he has done to me and our relationship, that he doesn\'t deserve me and he can\'t have me because he is not the man he should be. He says I can stay there without aggro as long as I want to,and that he will help me with the move; I\'m skinnt because I have to save all my money for the house and he forces money on me and makes me promise that I eat and buy food, so I don\'t lose any more weight. It\'s all so confusing, I genuinelythink he wishes he was not so angry, he just doesn\'t know how to deal with his emaotions and overcomplicates things. He said he had all these emotions boxed up, and he thought he was a pretty happy guy, with no major issues, ready to be happy. I made him open the box (which I did!) and he thought he was able to handle what\'s inside,but he isn\'t. He said he needs to put it back in the box, and close the lid. I told him he needs to deal with it as sooner or later the box will burst! He always said that he wants me to be the last person he ever kisses or makes love to, and he said if it doesn\'t work out, he doesn\'t want anyone else, partially because he loves me, partially because he says he doesn\'t trust himself and he doesn\'t want to hurt me or anyone. He said that he just wants to deploy in a dangerous place and lose himself in combat. I told him that wouldn\'t solve his problems, but make it worse.
He just keeps apologising and saying that he thought he was OK to have a relationship, and that he didn\'t want to sell what he didn\'t have. He says he is mad at himself because he lost the best thing in his life.
Yes, agree with you, I have done the best and everything I can, but this is all breaking my heart and Iknow I am just being boring and stupid and keep going on and on and on, the bottom line is ANITA (talking to me now...) that he keeps emotionally abusing you and he doesn\'t seem to be able to change this, no matter how much he wants to!
See Goingup,he was there for me through my sh*t divorce and supported me and kept me strong. How many other men would have done that? He was my rock, but even then he was abusive, just not so often, and I used to think (he said this) that we argue because I was stressed because of the divorce. Anyway, he helped me and stuck by me. And I felt when his problems became very apparent, that now it is my turn to help him. Except Iused to take his advice re: the divorce and how to keep calm, but whereas he listens to mine and thanks me for it, he doesn\'t actualise it...
Thanks for listening again honey xxxx
Today\'s thought from Hazelden is:
Even if you understand and follow all of the rules for more effectively engaging manipulators, life with them is not likely to be easy.
--George K. Simon Jr.
Sometimes they want something. Sometimes they want someone to give them something or to feel a particular way. They want power in some way, shape, or form. Manipulators prey on our weak spots.
Obsession and guilt are weapons. Manipulators get us to use these weapons on ourselves.
Sometimes we can disengage from manipulators - walk away, set a clear limit, be done with them. Other times, it\'s not that easy. We may be at least temporarily stuck with a boss or authority figure that indulges in heavy manipulation. One of our children may be going through a relentlessly manipulative period. We may have a parent whom we care about deeply who has adapted manipulation as a way of life.
Learn how to effectively deal with manipulators. Not everyone means what they say. . . Learn to recognize when others are telling you what they believe you want to hear. Learn to not react, stay clear, practice nonresistance, and stay true to yourself.
Be gentle with yourself if you have a manipulator in your life. You\'re not responsible for the other person\'s attempts at manipulation. You\'re responsible for staying clear.
God, help me let go the weak spots in myself that allow me to fall prey to manipulations. Help me stay clear of guilt and obsession so I can decide what\'s best for me.
You are reading from the book:
More Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
Thank you Susy, I am working on it!
Yesterday after a good day and a nice evening he thought he can just come back to sleep in the same bed as me (he abandoned me on Friday night, then I let him come back on Sat thinking that after a nice day maybe he will now be on the right track; only for him to be a total a*se on Sunday, and choosing to sleep in the spare room again...). I didn\'t feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed as him; I told him I can\'t do this up and down stuff, and that he changes on a daily basis and I can\'t and won\'t keep up with it and he is messing with my head. Ithought he\'ll get mad but he didn\'t, he apologised and said that he shouldn\'t have made assumptions and that he was really sorry for the pain he caused me. He then went to sleep in the spare room and I was feeling guilty but then I rationalised things in my head and I thought, No, I don\'t have to put up with his mindgames, and I am just acting normal after the sh*t he put me through; I am going to keep some distance from him and disregard his promises, just look at his actions. Assert my boundaries. And it felt good.
Not backing out from buying my house, and will carry on working on myself and looking after myself. Made myself a list of the red flags I chose to ignore at the begining of the relationship, and extending this list with other red flags I ignored with exN and other exes from harmful relationships.
In the meantime, his mood changes and abuse doesn\'t affect me that much anymore, as I try to focus on what\'s best for me and not get sucked into any mindgames / listen to stuff he says just to get a reaction out of me. Not always succeeding but sometimes is better, than never...
Hello Amazon07, I just read your journal entries and wanted to send good thoughts your way. I know what you mean about feeling as though you cannot trust yourself but please try. You are doing the right thing.
Thanks Pip!! It\'s hard, like I\'m constantly in limbo. If he is nice, I think, ok, maybe things are changing and it\'ll be all right now. But then he gets picky/nasty/short tempered/abusive/argumentative and it all goes to pieces. And then I think, how stupid am I?? Who am I kidding? But I so wanted it to work and like you, I feel responsible too. Maybe where we are responsible is that we put up with the mistreatment, abuse and them not keeping their word, instead of dumping them as soon as we realised that something is wrong, instead of ignoring the red flags and always finding an excuse or explanation for their unacceptable, hurtful behaviour...
It\'s just so upsetting, I thought he was THE ONE too! :-(