11 year = 4015 days plus a few leaps
11 years - 4015+ days. To look at that seems like a lifetime and to realize it's how long it's been since I've seen my son's face is mind boggling. I know I see it in pics but I mean really seen him.
March 16th marks 11 years. That stupid - and as much as I hate that word - there isn't another that fits. It's just stupid for an intelligent adult to think time will heal the pain a parent feels of losing a child. You're not supposed to bury your children. I rememeber my great grandpap saying that at my grandpap's funeral. I was only 13 so the concept was lost on me until later in life. There he stood 92 yrs old about to bury his "baby" of 54 yrs old and he was asking way. If my great granddad could ask God why -- I should be screamingi it from every vantage point I can find. He was the most devoted person I have ever know to his faith and never missed church. He walked the hill 4 blocks 3 times a week for service and never missed no matter the weather or his health. He was there faithfully. I never go it until I was older how strong his faith was for him to do that. I wish I had 1/4 of his devotion. yet he still stood there in disbelief that he was burying his youngest child..
I'm going onto my 11 yr mark of Randy Lee's angel date. Forgive me if this post is scrambled but I've felt unable to get a grip on things since the first of the year. I keep feeling like I'm in a fog and recall some of the smallest things that I can't shake the feeling. Maybe it's Randy Lee telling me he's okay. Maybe he's telling me to let go of the little things and move on. Maybe it's the wind ..... who knows.
I just know that this year the dates and days fall into the same order as they did in 2003. Ken's birhtday on Tuesday, planning to spearate and move apart on Thursday, Planning to move back to MD on Friday but opting to stay through Monday. Randy dying on Sunday following a party had I been home would have never happened. Well, let's be real -- the party would have likely happened just at a different location. The days -- the times -- the smells -- the conversations --- the everything ---- perfect recall is not my friend on thing slike this. I'm torturing myself - the what if only, I should have done thing, If Id did that, would have, could have should have myself silly and yet the outcome is still there -- Randy Lee is gone.
I'm going to be honest. I know in my head it wasn't my choices, I know in my head things would have played out to the same tune if only a different date. I know in my head as much as Randy Lee was angry at me for forcing recovery deep down -- under all that anger was a heart that knew I loved him with all my heart. I do know that. It doesn't stop the What if's.
11 years boggles my mind. that's over 1/2 the time I got to spend with him on earth going. I want to scream --I want to cry ... I want to kick myself for making choices that may have been differentwith a supportive co-parent.I want to just crawl into bed this week, with the covers over my head and try to pretend. Those first 15 seconds each morning are my favorites. Before reality sets in and I remember what my life is now.
Without Randy I don't paint - I don't design - I don't craft - I dont decorate my home - I don't coordinatemy outfits ( a job where you have to dress down due to the population you work with suits me -- jeans, a shirt and tennis shoes and woo hoo)Taking meds to fall asleep, pain meds to get though the day with my knee and this week lorazepam just to function without literally biting off my staff's heads.
If I hear from one more person "You're so strong" - "I'm amazed at how you deal with this - I could never do it" I may actually reach out and strangle them. Did I really get a choice> God didn't appear at my dream to ask permission for me to lose my one and only child tosee ifI was strong. Peold are foools - plain and simple.
I was to start vacation tomorrow but a last minute intake pushed that off. I need to work at least 1/2 a day as long as I can keep focused and out of sight. I'm seriously considering a sign that says -- KNOCK FOR EMERGENCY ONLY.
I dont' do this for my self a lot but I'm asking because I'm seriously in a bad spot. Pray for me to have strength to get through this. Maybe I'll get a sign and it will help.
March 16th marks 11 years. That stupid - and as much as I hate that word - there isn't another that fits. It's just stupid for an intelligent adult to think time will heal the pain a parent feels of losing a child. You're not supposed to bury your children. I rememeber my great grandpap saying that at my grandpap's funeral. I was only 13 so the concept was lost on me until later in life. There he stood 92 yrs old about to bury his "baby" of 54 yrs old and he was asking way. If my great granddad could ask God why -- I should be screamingi it from every vantage point I can find. He was the most devoted person I have ever know to his faith and never missed church. He walked the hill 4 blocks 3 times a week for service and never missed no matter the weather or his health. He was there faithfully. I never go it until I was older how strong his faith was for him to do that. I wish I had 1/4 of his devotion. yet he still stood there in disbelief that he was burying his youngest child..
I'm going onto my 11 yr mark of Randy Lee's angel date. Forgive me if this post is scrambled but I've felt unable to get a grip on things since the first of the year. I keep feeling like I'm in a fog and recall some of the smallest things that I can't shake the feeling. Maybe it's Randy Lee telling me he's okay. Maybe he's telling me to let go of the little things and move on. Maybe it's the wind ..... who knows.
I just know that this year the dates and days fall into the same order as they did in 2003. Ken's birhtday on Tuesday, planning to spearate and move apart on Thursday, Planning to move back to MD on Friday but opting to stay through Monday. Randy dying on Sunday following a party had I been home would have never happened. Well, let's be real -- the party would have likely happened just at a different location. The days -- the times -- the smells -- the conversations --- the everything ---- perfect recall is not my friend on thing slike this. I'm torturing myself - the what if only, I should have done thing, If Id did that, would have, could have should have myself silly and yet the outcome is still there -- Randy Lee is gone.
I'm going to be honest. I know in my head it wasn't my choices, I know in my head things would have played out to the same tune if only a different date. I know in my head as much as Randy Lee was angry at me for forcing recovery deep down -- under all that anger was a heart that knew I loved him with all my heart. I do know that. It doesn't stop the What if's.
11 years boggles my mind. that's over 1/2 the time I got to spend with him on earth going. I want to scream --I want to cry ... I want to kick myself for making choices that may have been differentwith a supportive co-parent.I want to just crawl into bed this week, with the covers over my head and try to pretend. Those first 15 seconds each morning are my favorites. Before reality sets in and I remember what my life is now.
Without Randy I don't paint - I don't design - I don't craft - I dont decorate my home - I don't coordinatemy outfits ( a job where you have to dress down due to the population you work with suits me -- jeans, a shirt and tennis shoes and woo hoo)Taking meds to fall asleep, pain meds to get though the day with my knee and this week lorazepam just to function without literally biting off my staff's heads.
If I hear from one more person "You're so strong" - "I'm amazed at how you deal with this - I could never do it" I may actually reach out and strangle them. Did I really get a choice> God didn't appear at my dream to ask permission for me to lose my one and only child tosee ifI was strong. Peold are foools - plain and simple.
I was to start vacation tomorrow but a last minute intake pushed that off. I need to work at least 1/2 a day as long as I can keep focused and out of sight. I'm seriously considering a sign that says -- KNOCK FOR EMERGENCY ONLY.
I dont' do this for my self a lot but I'm asking because I'm seriously in a bad spot. Pray for me to have strength to get through this. Maybe I'll get a sign and it will help.
Replies
I send my prayers,,, love ya!
Prayerful and hopeful that you feel lovingly supported and cared for. May Randy give you a wink in only the ways that he can as I know what a comfort they are.
To live without one\'s child if even for a second is a lifetime and not something any mother\'s heart should ever have to endure. Deepest of sighs...
With you and sending just what you need for this moment,
Heartfelt (((hugs)))
XO Joanie
You are in my prayers dear friend as this is an excruciating journey. I hope with all my heart that you are able to feel a bit of peace in the midst of your pain. Our sons would want us to have some tranquility. Many hugs of understanding.....Vicki
Thank you for accepting my friend request. I read your journal and it was so meant for me. It has been 8 years 8 months and 2 days since I saw my son smile. It doesn\'t get any easier and I also hate for people to say how strong I am. I am not strong but I have no choice. I have to go on for our daughter and our granddaughters. Hope you are doing better. Much love and hugs being sent your way. Your new friend, Nell