11-05 jail and the dad
When I’m blended - the feeling is a wash of guilt and shame and this encompassing dark feeling that they are going to find out how incredibly bad I am - and when they know what i've done, they will put me in jail where I belong. After my meditation last night I asked my husband if I could go to jail - he said no. he thought it was weird that I thought that to begin with. I told him I don't remember swaths of my childhood - I think that I must have done somethig very bad. In my meditation I am hiding inside the snail and my head stretches thru the snails elastic skin so that you can see my facial features thru the snails face. The snails neck angles towards the dad and screams. the dad screams back. she is so angry and so is the dad. I feel dark and black and I swear that I can smell burning skin - and I don’t know why. The dad pushes the snail - she falls on her side and slides across the floor. she gets up - doesn't the dad know how much I love him? doesn't he know how much I need him? why can't he love me? He doesn't love me because i'm really really bad. It’s amazing how difficult it is to stay tied to reality. to get to that voice inside of me that KNOWS i can’t go to jail and I don’t deserve to feel so bad. I command that voice to speak regardless of overwhelming darkness. I just barely feel self love, this tiny feeling, like a spark. I know from the good graces of the individuals on this website that I need to blow air onto that spark so that it can grow and become the warm fire that my inner children need in order to transcend the darkness. I hear a whisper say to come back again - and think of the dad.
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Your pain and grief come through so very powerfully. I can vividly feel how the darkness of your own little world encompasses you - the dark little world of a frightened, abused and shamed child. I remember that ... how there is no other reality but that when you are a child. Thank God you have a spark of light and the steadfast determination to breathe life into it. I really admire your courage and faithfulness. I hope I will remember this when I get lost in my own little world, so thank you for your hand in the darkness.
(((hugs)))
Thank you for your kind words DW :)
nikkole,
Written through the pain in your soul--I hear you. And I hear that child-self of you who truly believes she is bad, bad, bad. So bad she should be locked away. But she did what she was told, not what she wanted. You must tell her that again and again and again. Hold her because that's what she needs; she needs to know that you love her no matter what went before.
And because you've allowed that tiny spark to be, and because you know that it's YOU who must bring it to full flame you have both the courage and the determination to heal; just know that we are here for you.
xx
SuzA
You say, "I hear a whisper say come back again--and think of the dad." Do you feel free to say what this means?
This is indeed a very moving entry. I can feel that 'I've been bad' feeling because I have been there. It is natural for a child to believe they have been bad when they are treated so badly. Children know what they receive when they are good and what they receive when bad. Your childhood reinforced that 'you have been a bad girl' feeling and I am so sorry you had to go through that. For so many of us, perhaps yourself included, even when we were good we were punished which just reinforced the 'you have been a bad girl' belief.
I know it's hard to hold onto the you of the present when feeling all those intense feelings. And when in those feelings it is very hard to believe "you are a GOOD girl" but it is the truth. You don't have to speak this truth to your inner children only when in meditation though. They can hear you and feel you at all times even if you can't hear and feel them at all times. So as you go through your day say to yourself often "You are all very good girls" and they will hear you. It will help them move forward if they hear it often. And the more often you say it the more they will believe it to be true. It also helped me to always name the lie as in "They said you were a bad girl but that was a lie. The truth is that you are a very good girl always." Maybe this will help you too.
I have found the soul to be very wise. Your little girl did not pick a snail by accident. It has meaning. As an animal totem the snail, in part, says "You are constantly having to balance protection with trust (not easy) and often never show your true self to the world." How true is that for your little girl? She is very brave and very wise to create that snail shell to live in. (((Hugs)))
SuzA- so nice to hear from you :) Thank you for your kind words. LuckyEmpath - thank you for the advice of reminding my girls about being good - even when not in meditation. I like that... Thanks everyone - I cannot tell you how much this all means to me - so so much. thank you :)