Tuesday

Two days before the surgery now.  I was supposed to go watch a movie with a friend last night but his work schedule is brutal and by the time he was home and settled I was ready for bed.  People are trying to help me keep my mind off the surgery which is cute.  I am trying not to think about it really..the thought of having the catheters in my legs and being somewhat awake freaks me out more than what they are doing to my heart...I hate needles and I'm a weenie.  I woke up feeling peaceful today which is better than yesterday..sometimes I do wake up with the anxiety ..my counselor suggests I was dreaming of something that causes it.  More often I wake ok and then I remember who and where I am and that usually starts the ball rolling.  I'm sure yesterday's episode was related to the huge blow up with my ex.  I have not been that mad in a really long time and I really let him have it.  Suggesting that I am only keeping him around for my surgery really pushed my buttons and I'm so mad I still would rather go it alone except for the comfort of my dog.  The one eyed  nazi has been on my ass at work...seems she is focused more on what I will not have finished before I go out for two days.  She can kiss my ass...I will get done what I get done.  I have two computer swaps, 8 phone swaps and software upgrade testing in addition to help desk calls waiting...there is no way I am completing all of that by weds and her concern for my health has been so overwhelming...I really find it hard to give a shit what gets done.  My two work benches look like armageddon and I could really care less lol.