Thursday

Well, I have really become lazy about writing in my journal. True I have had a lot going on but in the end it is really just laziness.
So, I have been out of the house for almost two months now.  Does not feel like a whole lot has changed yet.  I just got back from spending a week in Tucson with my mom.  It was really nice weather while I was there and I remembered how much I loved living there.  I decided to make it a point to go back in July and see if I still loved it as much.
It was really nice being in the sun with the horses. 
Things at home have been just as up and down as ever...except now our fights are by text message from different towns.  It was really nice he took care of the animals while I was gone.  He keeps saying he wants to work things out but I just don't see it happening.  While I was at my mom's I was upset about something and called him to talk and ask his opinion.  He was kind of snappy and I ended up wishing I had not even mentioned it to him.
I am realizing my counselor is right...I'm still waiting for the miracle.  I was really hoping that if we separated he would know I was serious and would quit drinking instead of lose me.  what an idiot I know.
I feel like I need to move away from him so I joined a dating site and am trying to make friends away from him.  After all the years of accusation it feels like I am cheating ...even though all I have done is meet for coffee.  I think I am just sad knowing I still love him and it will never be enough.