Friday
I have not journaled again in many days. I have been so lost this week. I thought that I would enjoy myself while my boyfriend was out of town. It was true that It was nice to have the house to myself and be able to be myself and do what I want. Apparently all I wanted was to crawl in a hole and keep to myself. The depression has been strong again this week and last night the anxiety was awful...leaving me exhausted once again. I actually called and made an appointment with my counselor who I have not seen in over a year. I don't know if it helps..but I will try anything. My mom made it to Arizona ok despite all the drama that led up to the drive. Normally when he comes back from a trip I would have missed him but this time it was no big deal and he didn't even kiss me when he got home. Why am I here again? I have managed to push most of my friends away this week...it's what I do. Sure doesn't feel like a very happy Friday.
Replies
Wow, you are in a low spot. Be gentle with yourself and don\'t beat yourself up. Accept that you are human as is everyone and to not be perfect goes with the territory. Depression for me is conditional based on circumstances and not a chemical imbalance and that allows me to help my depression by helping my circumstances. When chemically depressed medications are used with therapy to achieve balance. Yes, depression can kick us around so severely leaving us beyond exhausted. If you can get the channels of communication opened up with the BF you may find he struggles with a lot also and the two of you can find \'common ground\' to help bring healing to each other as best friends? He may no longer even know how to meet your needs and simply does not want to risk doing the \'wrong\' thing so he instead does \'nothing\' to play it safe. He may need some TLC and is cramming a lot down inside and will reach for a beer instead of sharing. Perhaps the two of you can do therapy together? I think he truly does love you but he may lack the ability to express it in the ways you need him too but that can be worked on over time. Little romantic notes with \'hints\' that leave him feeling he came up the the idea - you know the same way we get them to buy us just the perfect surprise present we want for our birthdays.
I hope you are very soon feeing better and keep sharing to set down as much as you can - it gives us less to carry around causing \'issues\'.
((hugs))
:-) Patricia
Patricia, I know you mean well...but I have no desire to leave a romantic anything for him. I am sick of the anger an annoyance whenever I am having anxiety.
Dear Freaky One,
I see this from a different vantage point. The depression was not what you expected and you called and arranged to talk with someone. This is a good sign as so often we allow ourselfs to wallow in depression.
Your getting stronger! When the time comes I have no doubt that you will have the strenght to do what you feel you have to do. Eric