yesterday

Yesterday was the strangest day.  I have a friend that I met here on DS a while back.  He lives on the east coast..we always joke he is my male twin.  We talk every week day..I have come to depend on him mostly because he thinks exactly the way  I do.  I was already feeling weird and then my boyfriend and I had that argument or whatever it was...but then he did not show up here and I started to freak a little.  Back when DS was having all the chat issues we had created regular Meebo ID's and has started chatting that way...until yesterday I had not realized he was gone from DS...when I saw that yesterday I really started to panic...I knew I was not being rational at all...it was like I was watching a movie about someone else.  Later on he showed up online and by then I could see how crazy I seemed...I knew I should have come back here yesterday...several people sent me messages of concern...that is the trouble when people get to know you....they finally see what a whack job you really are.  I have no idea why I am such a nutcase...maybe I should have asked to have my meds adjusted after all.  I didn't really come back here yesterday...I just couldn't.  Instead I was chatting with a new friend I met somewhere else who doesn't know how bad I have lost it yet.  Even now I feel like I am going to cry...mostly I think because I scare myself.  I had that strange unease still this morning and although I got a late start I went to the gym anyway...I did NOT ask him if he was going...I did NOT try to wake him...he's a big boy...if he wants to get up and go he can.  I can't even manage myself...I'm not dealing with that too...more and more..I think maybe that is the answer...I am not cut out to be with anyone.  I'm much more stable when I just try and take care of me.  I'm going to think it through some more and maybe try to tell him the week after xmas when I am on vacation.