My depression has been reaching new levels of late. For a while I had been journaling on quite a regular basis. Lately I find I do not even have the energy for that. It's been a pretty bad couple of weeks...maybe not for someone on the outside but internally I'm about as big of a mess as a person can be.
I have done some really awful things of late. I am pretty close to getting fired for my attitude at work. It's like watching a movie about someone else...I see myself saying shit I have no business saying and like watching a film I think...that's really not a good idea...she shouldn't do that...but the damage is already done.
a few people have suggested maybe I need my medication adjusted. I am starting to think maybe they are right.
I also blew up on my mother and she hung up on me and didn't speak to me for a couple of weeks...that was actually kind of a blessing since I am incapable of dealing with that drama right now. In the end all I want is to be left alone.
How is it that someone who prefers to be alone can then be so lonely...It really makes no sense.
Last Sunday my boyfriend started planning some projects around the house and since it was morning and he was sober and we did not have the kids that weekend I actually said...well don't you thing we should figure out us before we go making any plans? This led to a discussion which was for once free of anger. He said he did want us to work things out..of course he also has no plans to stop drinking. He has found a new angle you see. He drinks and I have anxiety and depression and we both have our thing and we have to learn to deal with each others problem. I could almost see the pride that he had this revelation..like now he has me. He asked me if I still wanted to work it out and I said I honestly don't know.
Still, I can see in some ways he was listening to what I had to say..I can see the little attempts to be affectionate with me and for the first two nights after this talk he slept in the bedroom for the first time in a long time. Of course on the third night he was drunk when I got home from school and was out on the floor right after dinner. Again today though he actually came up behind me while I was standing at the kitchen sink and kissed the back of my neck. I cannot even remember the last time he did that willingly. I should be happy that he is making the effort but in some ways I feel like it's the same old..just throw her enough rope to hang on so she doesn't leave. Like i'm going anywhere...where would I go?
I went to the doctor about my heart and as expected he referred me to a cardiologist...that first appointment is not until dec 7th. At least my doctor said it was ok to keep going to work out every day..just not to work out very hard until we find out what is going on. I know what is going on....just not if it's bad enough or not. So now I have been smoking even more..funny I know. The depression has been so bad that I wish every day that my heart would just stop. Don't get me wrong...I am not suicidal. I am far too much of a coward for that....but if I can get closer one cancer stick at a time why not?
I had a little extra time today though and I started reading up on other friends journals. A couple of people who have been nothing but kind and supportive to me seem to be having a rougher time of late. Another reason to hate myself..I am a terrible friend...always isolating myself and pushing people away.
It was kind of a relaxing afternoon around here so I actually found time to spend a good couple of hours working on the baby blanket I am knitting. A lot of the time when I knit I have time to think about things while still keeping my hands busy enough that I don't feel overly anxious about whatever I am thinking about. I thought about why I had stopped journaling lately. I think I finally figured it out.
As I was journaling in a regular fashion I started to gain more friends and supporters..people who had no reason to were kind and supportive and wanted nothing in return. Almost like they were getting to know me. I don't deserve that.
and if I didn't already know how awful a person I am I did somethings this last two weeks that just proved myself right. When I then start to "catch up" with people reading their journals it only reinforces more strongly how insensitive and uncaring a friend I am. Buried in my self centered misery as I usually am..maybe I am getting in my life exactly what I deserve. So now that that is all settled and I have confessed what an ugly creature I am I can go lay down and sleep and wish I could keep sleeping and not have to face tomorrow...whatever it brings.
He literally started snoring in the middle of a sentence to me tonight...I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry..then I realized it is just what I deserve.
Any of you who have supported me and shown me such kindness here I wish this overwhelming pain in my heart could heal all of you and give you freedom and joy from these things that haunt us.
I have done some really awful things of late. I am pretty close to getting fired for my attitude at work. It's like watching a movie about someone else...I see myself saying shit I have no business saying and like watching a film I think...that's really not a good idea...she shouldn't do that...but the damage is already done.
a few people have suggested maybe I need my medication adjusted. I am starting to think maybe they are right.
I also blew up on my mother and she hung up on me and didn't speak to me for a couple of weeks...that was actually kind of a blessing since I am incapable of dealing with that drama right now. In the end all I want is to be left alone.
How is it that someone who prefers to be alone can then be so lonely...It really makes no sense.
Last Sunday my boyfriend started planning some projects around the house and since it was morning and he was sober and we did not have the kids that weekend I actually said...well don't you thing we should figure out us before we go making any plans? This led to a discussion which was for once free of anger. He said he did want us to work things out..of course he also has no plans to stop drinking. He has found a new angle you see. He drinks and I have anxiety and depression and we both have our thing and we have to learn to deal with each others problem. I could almost see the pride that he had this revelation..like now he has me. He asked me if I still wanted to work it out and I said I honestly don't know.
Still, I can see in some ways he was listening to what I had to say..I can see the little attempts to be affectionate with me and for the first two nights after this talk he slept in the bedroom for the first time in a long time. Of course on the third night he was drunk when I got home from school and was out on the floor right after dinner. Again today though he actually came up behind me while I was standing at the kitchen sink and kissed the back of my neck. I cannot even remember the last time he did that willingly. I should be happy that he is making the effort but in some ways I feel like it's the same old..just throw her enough rope to hang on so she doesn't leave. Like i'm going anywhere...where would I go?
I went to the doctor about my heart and as expected he referred me to a cardiologist...that first appointment is not until dec 7th. At least my doctor said it was ok to keep going to work out every day..just not to work out very hard until we find out what is going on. I know what is going on....just not if it's bad enough or not. So now I have been smoking even more..funny I know. The depression has been so bad that I wish every day that my heart would just stop. Don't get me wrong...I am not suicidal. I am far too much of a coward for that....but if I can get closer one cancer stick at a time why not?
I had a little extra time today though and I started reading up on other friends journals. A couple of people who have been nothing but kind and supportive to me seem to be having a rougher time of late. Another reason to hate myself..I am a terrible friend...always isolating myself and pushing people away.
It was kind of a relaxing afternoon around here so I actually found time to spend a good couple of hours working on the baby blanket I am knitting. A lot of the time when I knit I have time to think about things while still keeping my hands busy enough that I don't feel overly anxious about whatever I am thinking about. I thought about why I had stopped journaling lately. I think I finally figured it out.
As I was journaling in a regular fashion I started to gain more friends and supporters..people who had no reason to were kind and supportive and wanted nothing in return. Almost like they were getting to know me. I don't deserve that.
and if I didn't already know how awful a person I am I did somethings this last two weeks that just proved myself right. When I then start to "catch up" with people reading their journals it only reinforces more strongly how insensitive and uncaring a friend I am. Buried in my self centered misery as I usually am..maybe I am getting in my life exactly what I deserve. So now that that is all settled and I have confessed what an ugly creature I am I can go lay down and sleep and wish I could keep sleeping and not have to face tomorrow...whatever it brings.
He literally started snoring in the middle of a sentence to me tonight...I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry..then I realized it is just what I deserve.
Any of you who have supported me and shown me such kindness here I wish this overwhelming pain in my heart could heal all of you and give you freedom and joy from these things that haunt us.
Replies
Internally is the most important part of our lives and it is the one place we can do something about improving our lives. Yes, adjusting medication may help and once you know what is up with the heart you will be able to handle that situation better also. It is good you had a couple weeks break from the stress of your moms situation stress is a real issue when we are trying to heal our wounds and straighten out our lives.
We dont really prefer being alone it is we prefer to have lives free from the insanity other bring into our lives. We want the good of having others in our lives without all the garbage that comes with them. We are maxed out on coping with garbage and people have a real knack for bringing trucks full of garbage into our lives and dumping it on us leaving us to cope with even more crap that we dont have ANY capacity for. We love people but not garbage. People come with their trucks full of garbage so we avoid people makes good sense to me girl!!! LOL I rather cope here alone with too much to do then have garbage dumped on me that only makes my life even more of a living nightmare.
The two of you are working hard at making a go of it. I think over time you will both discover you are good for each other perfect? no but that is only because there is no perfect to be found and the grass is not greener over on the other side of the fence the only reason the grass over there looks greener is because someone has been working hard at spreading the manure and pulling the weeds. LOL
From surviving advanced stage three colon cancer you do NOT want to mess with getting cancer kick the cigarettes it is just not worth it. Perhaps a change in medication will help with this also. When you feel like a cigarette turn on some music and let lose for awhile. Heck, even journaling is better than smoking and wont kill you or make you needlessly suffer.
Well, I know you as a good friend that cares about people and their issues -- even enough to offer yourself in their time of overwhelming need. That makes you very special. I just wish I did not have such horrible trust issues from being so extremely harmed for so long that has left me so very ill as to appear more as death warmed over than anything I would think of as being alive. It actually leaves me scared to see my own reflection in the mirror death is not a pretty sight to see.
Knitting is good and it is not smoking and that makes it even better plus you are creating something of value and that is always good. We are all in the human soup of the human race together what better people to get to know each other than those in the same bowl of soup LOL You are a good and caring person that is just a bit too hard on yourself and in time you can grow more loving and accepting of yourself it just takes practice.
He started snoring because he was simply tired along with being stuck inside the body of the male of our species we need to give lots of love to these poor creatures. The two of you love each other and that makes what you have together so very special he falls asleep on you but he is with you when it happens that counts.
You have provided me with a feeling of being valued and cared for. That makes you a very special person to me and YOU ARE SPECIAL. Allow the love to begin to heal all that you have experienced in life that has left you so very wounded.
((hugs))
:-) Patricia