I'm still here. I watch each weekend and notice how most of my DS friends are away with their real lives on the weekend. I started to have an anxiety attack earlier. Why is it when I know we will be alone all weekend and no kids it always comes. Maybe I don't have enough to do...maybe I have too much to do. It's only 9 fifteen but he's been asleep nearly an hour now. I'm always alone battling the anxiety. I want to talk to him about US when he's sober...now I will wait til tomorrow. He didn't drink very much tonight but the anxiety robs me of all confidence. Once I become so agitated that I cannot sit down..then any other plans I make go out the window. Even now I wonder if I will be able to relax enough to sleep. I am so tired..but that little piece of panic is still hiding in the background. It never leaves..not really. This is what I have become. Still, I will try to go through the routine..one of the few things of comfort when the anxiety comes is following a routine..why it should be a comfort I have no idea...but I will..then I will lay down and hope for some rest. Is this it? Is this all my life will be from now on? Then it is no wonder I am so sad all the time. How do you make a life with someone who PREFERS to sleep away from you. Still, I am only a shadow of who I used to be and where would I go anyway? A couple of my friends have been urging me to leave and find someone who cherishes me. They have the best of intentions but most of them did not know me before I became sick....and they rarely see me at times of high anxiety. They don't realize no one would want what I have become.