1 Year 1 month
I thought I needed to empty my heart and talk about where am at, and how I am coping with the loss of my dear beloved daughter Sinza. First off, there is definitely a change in the grief experience..now I have more yearning and longing than sadness, anger and crying. I miss her. And there further I head down this journey, the stronger I get, the more I have become worried that I am losing her..see because the sadness in a way was my connection to her. So I looked around for consolation from those who have been along this path for a much longer time. I came across this beautiful blog http://fittsiesangels.blogspot.com/search/label/Reita%20Gale%27s%20Story.
Its a mom who experienced two stillbirths..of her first born, a son, and her fifth born, a daughter, almost 30 years ago. She decided to blog about her experience over 25 years after the fact and I found it so comforting that she remembers her babies so well. Also it was especially resonating to me that her experience all those years ago relates to mine..her family's terrible reactions, having no pictures taken of her angels.. Most online baby loss moms I have interacted with live in the western world and have a modern experience from mine..so this blog validated a a lot of my feelings. Also, she is very candid about the difference a rainbow baby makes to a baby loss mom, and also how its different to lose your only child and to have surviving children.
I had what I thought was a great idea to foster abandoned babies as a way to honour my Sinza. Well, mu application was rejected on many grounds..but a single, stillbirth working mom, was not their ideal candidate. So even that has fallen through the cracks. I am disappointed, but I have also decided to not fight anything, one day, when the stars align right for us, something will work out, until then, I will not strive.
As for me, I have become more introverted about my loss, I have come to the realization that when we come down to it, Sinza is my loss alone..so I am talking about her less and less to others, she is my special child, I think of her everyday, but I am also keeping her more to myself. So in summary, that is how my grief is evolving? How is it with you?
Its a mom who experienced two stillbirths..of her first born, a son, and her fifth born, a daughter, almost 30 years ago. She decided to blog about her experience over 25 years after the fact and I found it so comforting that she remembers her babies so well. Also it was especially resonating to me that her experience all those years ago relates to mine..her family's terrible reactions, having no pictures taken of her angels.. Most online baby loss moms I have interacted with live in the western world and have a modern experience from mine..so this blog validated a a lot of my feelings. Also, she is very candid about the difference a rainbow baby makes to a baby loss mom, and also how its different to lose your only child and to have surviving children.
I had what I thought was a great idea to foster abandoned babies as a way to honour my Sinza. Well, mu application was rejected on many grounds..but a single, stillbirth working mom, was not their ideal candidate. So even that has fallen through the cracks. I am disappointed, but I have also decided to not fight anything, one day, when the stars align right for us, something will work out, until then, I will not strive.
As for me, I have become more introverted about my loss, I have come to the realization that when we come down to it, Sinza is my loss alone..so I am talking about her less and less to others, she is my special child, I think of her everyday, but I am also keeping her more to myself. So in summary, that is how my grief is evolving? How is it with you?
Replies
Celian \' s mommy, you will never ever feel distant or ever forget your precious angel. It only means that you are getting stronger and coping better. Your angel is forever in your heart. At times I feel that I don\'t deserve to smile or laugh because then it will seem like I have moved on. I miss my Evelyn dearly. I know one day we will be with our baby\'s again. Continue staying strong. Hugs.