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Why is it everytime I feel a bit of happiness I'm always questioning if I really am? I think I'm happy right now. No matter how bright and beautiful the day is, I always see this dark shadow out of the corner of my eye, following me. I've become an expert at putting on a mask and hiding how I'm really feeling to the world and pretend everything is fine. At times, do I hide it from myself as well? Now lately I haven't be able to keep the mask on that well with how stressed and frustrated I am, but it's stiil on more that my family thinks it is. I can't tell my family everything. I tell them some, and they're disturbed enough with it, I can't tell them more. Thankfully, I'm able to tell my psychiatrist mostly everything, but he hasn't been available for months and I not that comfortable with my new therapist yet. I'm so tired of all of the crap that goes through my head. The darkness and depression, the mania, these horrific and disturbing thoughts that won't go away, it's to hard to handle. My illness started strong in high school, went low for a while but now is coming back and getting stronger. I can feel it. I'm tired and I don't know if I have it in me to continue to fight. The horror movie is real for me. I can't turn it off and it will never be over. I know there's only one way to make it all stop, and that can't be an option! Somehow I need to find it in me to continue to fight, because I know it's only going to get worse.
Replies
Big hug Mich.....I agree that telling people who don't have the disorder won't get it ... Even if you don't want to get into the dark details I would tell your new doctor what's going on or he/she can't help you
If you don't care for the new psychiatrist?? Is it a psychiatrist or a therapist Mich?..... anyway if you don't care for your new doctor I would ask for another referral but I would let the doc know what you're going through to some extent so that if you need a med change or tweak the doc can help..... xo
We hide it so much we start to believe it being the truth. I can say things will get better. You seem to want to fight which is good. Don't allow yourself to drown in the darkness.
I can say this, do your best to get it out! The emotions and feelings you are feeling. Holding it in only harbors the darkness and feeds it. I am not saying it's easy because it's not! It's the hardest shit to deal with. But with baby steps it can get better.
Options: keep a journal only you can read. Get out all that stuff that is filling your mind. Once it's released you will start to feel a bit better. We feel we have to keep these thoughts and emotions inside and never tell a soul, but no! Get that stuff out!
Your therapist, they have a job for a reason let them do it. I tell my therapist EVERYTHING! It's like after a session I felt like I puked up all that negative and now I am empty to fill with positive. If you are unsure at first ask them questions on how they handle their patients. I said I need to speak my mind without having a fear you will lock me away. Once you create that bond, therapy becomes the best part of that week.
And learning to positive cope helps sooo much!
Im here if ya need an ear.